forgetmenots 
 
 
Treatment and Support for Families Affected by Alzheimer's and other Memory Disorders
August 2012

Vol 3, Issue 7

 

forgetmenots
Forget-Me-Nots
                                  forget-me-nots
 
  
 Caregiver
 Network
 News

 A newsletter for

caregivers of loved ones

with memory loss





 

 

CAREGIVER FAQs

 

(send your caregiving questions to [email protected])

 

 

 My 75-year-old mother has always been cheerful and agreeable, but now she says "no" to anything I suggest, and argues with everyone.  She stays in her room watching TV most of the day, and doesn't go to church or out with friends any more, and it's all we can do to get her to go out to dinner with our family.  She's becoming more like a recluse.  It's hard to be around her.  She was diagnosed recently with Mild Cognitive Impairment, but my husband says she has "No" disease.  Is this behavior common?  What can we do?

 NO word balloon

 

Personality changes are common with memory loss.  It's very difficult for family members when loved ones no longer act like themselves.

 

A couple of things come to mind about your situation.  First, you need to know that saying "no" is a common symptom of dementia.  Sometimes it seems that whatever you ask, the answer is going to be "no" - Do you want to take your shower now?  No.  Do you want to go to the pool?  No.  Do you want to wear this?  No.  Are you ready to go to church?  No.  It can become maddening.  However, there's one important thing you need to know:  it's the disease. 

 

Why is this happening?  The symptoms of MCI are usually similar to other early-stage dementias such as Alzheimer's or Lewy Body Disease.  One of these is having trouble understanding and processing spoken language.  You may not realize that this is going on with your mom, since she appears able to talk like she always has, but in truth her ability to sort out all those words and what they mean is considerably affected.  Questions can be scary because they can be confusing to someone whose brain isn't working up to par; add to that a whole day of people asking her questions, and she can easily become fractious.   So, as one person with early-stage Alzheimer's Disease said recently, "It's just easier to say no."  

  

 

Or, in other words, when a person  with dementia says "no," do they really mean NO? 

 

 

Maybe they're trying to say something else. 

 

 

There are lots of reasons for a person with even mild dementia to behave differently.  Although she may not acknowledge it, she is probably aware that she is not quite herself.  She can be easily confused, even by simple or familiar things, and so can often become fearful of doing things she used to take for granted.   For instance, it is common for someone to suddenly refuse to take a bath or shower, but they're not just being obstinate for no reasoNO repeatedn:  chances are that they are simply confused about the process and can't or won't admit it.  Restuarant menus can be frightening when someone is having trouble with words.  It's difficult for us to understand how someone

who has taken baths and showers for 70 years can suddenly "forget" how to do it, or that ordering lunch can become stressful, but just remind yourself that it's the disease.

  

In addition, memory loss can affect initiative, which makes it difficult for someone to get started on things.  Inertia often sets in.  She may want to do something but just can't seem to get going with it.  You might try helping her get started doing a familiar task (say, setting the table or chopping onions) and see if she can pick it up and continue on her own.  

 

Another reason for her change of behavior might be that she doesn't want to be embarrassed in public by doing or saying the wrong thing, so she will often avoid being with others.  This could be why your mother is not going to church or social activities.   She may actually want to go, but either doesn't understand your question or is just plain afraid, and so slips back into the safety of saying "no."   Yep, It's the disease.  

 

 

So what can you do?  First, resist the urge to reason with her.  Her ability to reason has also been affected by the disease, so logic and explanations usually don't work.  Also, try not to ask too many questions.  After all, if you don't ask a yes or no question, she can't say "no" as often!  For instance, instead of asking "Do you want to go to the store?" you might try "Let's go to the store together."   This reassures her that she won't be alone when she might get lost or confused.  Same with going to dinner or other activity.   Rather than asking or announcing the plans, simply help her get ready ("This outfit always looks nice on you").  Wait for her to ask, "Where are we going?" and respond simply and gently, with as few words as possible.  "We're going to church" works better than "We're going to church like we do every Sunday, but if you don't hurry up we'll be late."    Do not explain or use a lot of words.  Too many words are confusing.  And when she's confused, her response will nearly always be negative.  Sometimes, adding a known favorite thing can make an outing sound inviting and less threatening:  "...and afterwards we'll get some of that good butter pecan ice cream that you like." 

 NO yes maybe dice

And NEVER, EVER ask, "Why don't you want to go?"   She can't answer that question.  Asking "why?" calls for an intellectual, insightful response, which is generally frustrating for people with memory impairment.   Instead, you might try, "What is it about going to church that bothers you?"  The reason she gives may not make sense to you, but it's real for her.   Don't disagree or try to convince her otherwise.   Whatever it is, tell her you understand, and that you'll be right there to help her through it.  Always remember - it's the disease

 

People with dementia lose a lot of things that are important to them (independence, driving, etc.) and want to make their own choices whenever possible.  Asking "Do you want to go out to dinner?" might not get you the reaction you'd like, but asking "Which sounds better to you?  Pizza or hamburgers?" might work better.   You will probably get a lot farther with your mom by changing the way you talk to her - and when in doubt,  you can never go wrong by answering her next "no" with a hug and a smile, and even a quick "I'm sorry" if necessary!


 

Finally, one of the best things family members can do -- yet it's one of the hardest -- is to talk frankly with their loved ones about their memory impairment.  Imagine that you've been diagnosed with a condition that changes how you feel and act  - and yet nobody will talk with you about it?  Wouldn't you be scared and angry too?  Simply saying "I know this must be hard, Mom.  What can I do to help you?" won't fix anything, but it will send her the message that you understand, that you care, and that she's not alone.  And sometimes that's all that's needed. 


 OK   

 

 

 

A VISIT TO OUR RESOURCE LIBRARY!

 

 

books

Staff Pick: 

 Counting on Kindness:  The Dilemmas of Dependency, by Wendy Lustbader

 

Misty Roland says, "We all have different skill sets that belong to us as individuals and families.  Empathy and patience are particularly needed skills when caring for dementia patients and makes day-to-day care of loved ones much easier for both caregiver and care-receiver.  This book gives caregivers a wonderful set of stories and circumstances to glean information, understanding, and empathy from its pages.  The stories are unique in that they are told from the patient's understanding and perspective.  I hope you enjoy the book!" 

 

Misty Roland, BSW, joined the MemoryCare staff in 2010, working as a care manager with the doctors.  She is looking forward to assisting Dr. Verges in preparing the Haywood County satellite clinic for its September opening.  Misty, a native of Asheville, has three children.

 

 

 


UPCOMING PROGRAM
 

MemoryCare is proud to offer a community presentation by
Dr. Kathleen A. Welsh-Bohmer
Director of the Bryan Alzheimer's disease Research Center at Duke University

Advances in Alzheimer's Disease and Hopes for Prevention

Dr. Welsh-Bohmer's research interest over the pat 25 years has been centered on defining the early expression of Alzheimer's disease and other neurodegenerative dementias with an aim of facilitating disease prevention.  She is Board Certified in Clinical Neuropsychology and is a professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Duke University Medical Center.

Thursday, September 6, 2012
10:00 a.m. - 12 noon
MAHEC Education Building
121 Hendersonville Road, Asheville, NC  28803

For directions, please visit www.mahec.net/images/mapEduc.pdf

This presentation is free to the public, but registration is required due to limited seating.
To register, please call 828.274.4801
When you hear the "cisco" message, enter ext. 2249.
Indicate your name and phone number.

 


A NEW Support Group

for Persons with Early Memory Loss

 

 

The Early Memory Loss Collaborative is pleased to offer a
NEW support group for persons diagnosed with early memory loss!

Starting on August 14, 2012,
The Highland Farms Early Memory Loss Support Group
will meet on the
second Tuesday of each month
from 9:30 - 11:30 a.m.
in Lounge Room 3 on the upper level of the Brookside Building (J-K Entrance)
 on the Highland Farms campus.

This group meets concurrently with the
Memory Loss Caregivers of East Buncombe support group
(see Caregiver Calendar below)

If you are interested in being a part of this support group,
or if you know someone who has been diagnosed with memory loss
 and who will talk openly about it,
please contact:

Jane Sherman, 845.641.4680          or           Mel Kelley, 828.301.0529
 

 

CAREGIVER CALENDAR

 

 
          calendar               
MEMORYCAREGIVERS NETWORK SUPPORT GROUPS
Sponsored by Park Ridge Health

* Free & Open to the Public * 
     

PARK RIDGE GROUP
First Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.
  Fletcher 7th Day Adventist Church
Howard Gap Road and Naples Road, Fletcher, N.C.
(just past Park Ridge Hospital)
        

NEW HOPE GROUP

Third Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

      New Hope Presbyterian Church

 3070 Sweeten Creek Road, Asheville, N.C. 28803

        (across from Givens Estates)

  

WEAVERVILLE GROUP

Fourth Tuesdays, 1:00-3:00 p.m.

Weaverville First Baptist Church

63 N. Main, Weaverville, NC 28787

(North Buncombe County)

  

  

    For more information on any of the above groups, contact:  
                                   Mary Donnelly                                                Pat Hilgendorf
                                   828.230.4143                                                   828.645.9189         
                        [email protected]                                [email protected]
 
_____________________________________________________________________________________

 

Memory Loss Caregivers

of East Buncombe

 

An education & support group

sponsored by the

Highland Farms Residents' Corporation

 

 

Meets every second Tuesday

9:30-11:30 a.m.

Lounge Room 3 (lower level)

J-K entrance of Brookside Building

Highland Farms Retirement Community, Black Mountain, NC

 

* Free and Open to the Public *

 

 

   For more information, contact:

     Mary Donnelly                                                       Pat Hilgendorf   828.230.4143                                                           828.645.9189

 

 

And starting on August 14,

a NEW support group for persons with early memory loss

will be meeting concurrently with this caregiver group.  

See announcement above for details!

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________
 

EARLY MEMORY LOSS COLLABORATIVE
Two Support Groups for persons with early-stage memory loss,
facilitated by Jane Sherman and Mel Kelley
 
The Third Tuesday Group
Meets concurrently with the New Hope Caregiver Group above

 

   The First Thursday Group

1:00-3:00 p.m.

Biltmore Methodist Church

376 Hendersonville Road  Asheville, 28803

 (Exit 50 off I-40)

    

NEW!

The Highland Farms Group

9:30-11:30 a.m. on the second Tuesday of each month

(see announcement above for details)

 

Initial screening required for all early-stage groups. 
 
Early Memory Loss Collaborative is funded by grants from Land of Sky Regional Council
and an anonymous donor.
 
  For more information, contact Jane Sherman, 845.641.4680, or [email protected]
 
________________________________________________________________________________________

 

________________________________________________________________________________________ 

 

"CAREGIVER COLLEGE"

MemoryCare's educational series for caregivers, offered quarterly

 

A series of 6 two-hour lectures for caregivers of persons with memory disorders.  Sessions are designed to im-prove caregiver understanding of different aspects of dementia care. The instructor for the course will be a staff member of the MemoryCare team. Slides and handouts will be available. Space is limited, please register in advance.  There is no fee for caregivers enrolled in MemoryCare and for others, there is an attendance fee for the course.

 

4:00-6:00pm
MAHEC Educational Building, Balsam Room
For more information or to register, contact MemoryCare at 828.771.2219 or [email protected].

 

The current series started on June 26, 2012

 

The last series for 2012 will begin September 24 and will meet as follows: 

 

Monday, September 24  

Monday, October 1 

Monday, October 8 

Monday, October 15

Monday, October 22

Monday, October 29



 

   _____________________________________________________________________________________________  

 ____________________________________________________________________________________________ 

  

 

 

VOLUNTEER OPPORTUNITY!

 

 

gardening

 Do you enjoy working in the garden?

MemoryCare is looking for a dedicated, seasoned gardener to bring in the Fall of 2012.  This individual would assist with the management and maintenance of the garden at MemoryCare's offices on the Givens Estates campus in South Asheville. Experience with pruning, planting, weeding, and knowing the needs of many species is helpful, but training will be available! 

 

If you're interested, please contact Chad Conaty at MemoryCare.

[email protected] or 828-771-2219

 

NOTABLE QUOTABLE

 

 

 

"I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to."

                                           -  unknown

       

arguing birds 

                 

Need a Speaker?
 

speaker at podium

 

                 Do you need a program for a group event? 

  

Public education is not only a part of the President's National Plan to Address Alzheimer's Disease, it's a part of MemoryCare's mission statement.

The MemoryCaregivers Network staff can provide speakers on a variety of subjects, including Recognizing Early Warning Signs of Memory Loss, Facts and Fiction about Dementia, Better Communication Techniques, and more.  

 

 

     Contact us at [email protected] for more information.

 

MemoryCare relies on charitable donations for operations.  Please consider MemoryCare in your estate planning. 

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