|
My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease a few months ago. She doesn't seem to be as interested in the holidays this year as she used to be. She always did a lot of the cooking, but we noticed at Thanksgiving that she couldn't seem to manage even her usual dishes. I'm a working mom and I always counted on her to help with the holiday preparations. What can we do to get her to participate?
As the holidays approach, it's easy to get overwhelmed by all the trappings of the season: the decorations, the gifts, the parties, the shopping, the family gatherings, the cooking, and the constant pressure to get it all done! And if you're feeling stressed, imagine what it's like for someone with memory loss. Even a person with mild dementia can quickly become confused and agitated by all the hustle and bustle. 
Like Clark Griswold in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to create 'The Perfect Holiday' -- whatever THAT is! But you can alleviate a lot of the strain on both you and your family if you can do one simple thing:
Adjust
Your
Expectations!
Expecting your family's holiday to be the same every year is unrealistic. Families change - what worked when the kids were little might now be set aside in favor of something more geared to adults.
Expecting yourself to recreate the same traditions you've always had eventually becomes impractical.
And expecting a person who has mild memory loss to be able to keep up with all that holiday hubbub is folly. It's like expecting a person with a broken leg to be able to keep up a normal walking pace. You're setting them up to stumble and fall.
Instead, look for new ways your family can enjoy being together while being sensitive to your mother's changing abilities. There are many small modifications you can make to help ease the strain on you and your family, while maintaining some of the traditions you treasure:
Be prepared for her to be disinterested in certain activities or have sudden difficulty trying to do familiar tasks. This is common in early stages of memory loss. Since your mother seems to be having trouble cooking, this may be the year that she is assigned one dish and lets others do the rest.
If you haven't already done so, tell friends and family about your mother's diagnosis. Warn them that she may repeat herself, or have difficulty remembering names and places, or forget how to set the table. Ask for their support in helping her relax and feel at ease. Don't "quiz" her by prompting, "You remember who this is, don't you?" which never helps!
Large crowds and lots of noise are upsetting to persons with memory loss. Try to have family visit a few at a time, or stagger arrivals so that they don't all descend at once. Provide a quiet place for Mom to "get away from it all" occasionally, and be sensitive to her need for more rest than usual.
Try to keep most celebrations in familiar surroundings. People with even mild memory loss can suddenly become disoriented and agitated in other places, even homes where they've been before.
Be sure to include Mom in activities that she enjoys and can easily do: putting bows on gifts, folding napkins, singing carols, reading to the children, trimming the tree, etc. Many of her long-ago memories are intact, so ask her to tell you about holidays when she was a child.
Don't insist that she participate in every tradition or attend every gathering. "Less is more" is a good axiom for you to use throughout the season. It may feel strange for her not to attend your usual Christmas morning breakfast, but it may be the best tradeoff if you want her presence later in the day.
So let this be the year that you simplify your family's celebrations -- for your mother's sake, for your family's sake, and for your own sake. You may find that you'll actually enjoy the holidays more!
| 
d. They may notice a house in disarray, a lack of usual holiday preparations, or a parent with declining abililties. "It can be a real shock to adult children when they are first presented with the signs of a parent's cognitive decline," says Paula Spencer, senior editor for Caring.com. "The change is often more apparent to those who haven't been home for a while than it is to the ones who live with it day to day."
