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Labor Day is upon us and summer is nearly over. And..I'm betting that you had some fun this summer doing whatever you love to do and doing it with either colleagues at work, people in your family, and/or your friends. In fact, upon reflection, ask yourself - would you have derived as much enjoyment without having anyone else to share with - whether you were having fun with just one person, or a few or even with a whole group?
When it comes right down to it, it's our relationships that truly matter to us. We all know this, and still sometimes we forget that it takes conscious attention to keep them healthy and vibrant.
Some relationships are great, some are okay, and some aren't so great. We also know that understanding the dynamics of our work relationships is key to understanding the quality and the 'favor' or culture of our workplace. Then we need to look hard at what our influence is on our culture and our people.
This month, I'd like to share two more of my leadership insights from my upcoming book. And yes, they are both, in one way or another, about our relationships.
Insight 5: LEADING IS ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
Let's get to the heart of the matter. If no one is following you, you aren't leading. Period. You can manage all kinds of tasks that might involve schedules, money, projects, budgets, and so on, and yet everything you do with your staff and other stakeholders involves relationships. How well those relationships work has a lot to do with how much TRUST is at the center of them. Susan Scott, author of "Fierce Conversations," sums it up well. "When the conversation stops, the relationship stops."
The question is not IF we will have relationships at work; the question is what will the quality of those relationships be? Each leader plays a critical role within her and his ecosystem in what I call your "responsibility pond." This is where your leadership ripples are most strongly felt, no matter how big or small your "pond" may be.
As a leader, informal or formal, you contribute to - often create, model, and nurture the norms, culture, and environment that everyone who lives and works in your "pond" will experience. You can sustain and strengthen the culture or you can weaken and sicken it. Are you part of the solution or part of the problem? Understanding this reality is often a huge wake-up call, and in my opinion, not a moment too soon.
I'm sure you know that it is not enough to be really, really, smart. Emotional intelligence matters a heck of a lot - more even than IQ, particularly if you want to have healthy and productive relationships. Bad and ineffective leaders can create a lot of damage. Good and effective leaders can accomplish incredible feats with their followers.
I believe most of us would choose the latter as our legacy.
Here are 4 suggestions about what you can do to pay attention to those important relationships:
- Create a healthy culture
- Build trust on purpose and often
- Walk around a LOT
- Model how you would like others to behave
Insight 6: LEARNING THE 'SOFT SKILLS' IS HARD!
I've noticed that adults tend to resist learning or re-learning good interpersonal and social management skills. These involve thinking about relationships, behaviors, and even emotions. This is very different than an impersonal or technical task - and still it is a task - just a human one.
This IS hard work. Most of us know that we need to engage and energize employees, build trust, and communicate so that people understand us and know where the organization is going. They want and need to know what part they can play in getting there. We will not get all that
good stuff from our people without doing all the hard
soft stuff. It's really that simple.
Mastering leadership skills is
not rocket science. It is a
lot harder, precisely because it is far more qualitative than quantitative, and because we are leading people, not machines.
Building trust is one of the key outcomes of mastering interpersonal skills. Try to resist the urge to say,
'Oh, no, not the touchy-feely stuff!'
Because, really, you can't get far in life without knowing how to communicate so people understand, how to have tough conversations, or how to transform conflicts into solutions.
While it does take determination, practice, and feedback, nothing is beyond you when you are committed to learning or honing your interpersonal skills. And I know I'm not telling you anything new; I'm just reminding you to pay attention and grow your emotional intelligence competencies to improve your effectiveness. When you do this...your teams will thrive and of course all of this flows directly to your bottom line.
Here are 4 suggestions about where to focus some of your attention:
- Listen more than you talk
- Increase staff engagement at every opportunity
- Make improving your dialogue skills a priority
- Take or revisit what you learned in a good leadership course
STAY TUNED! LOOK FOR FINAL INSIGHTS #7 AND #8 IN SEPTEMBER AND MY BOOK with McGraw-Hill
is being printed right now, and will be in stores by
WOOHOO! YES...I am EXCITED!
And YES I'd love to come talk about it to your organization.
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QUOTES
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QUOTES OF THE MONTH AND BOOK RECOMMENDATION
"Indifference and neglect do much more damage than outright dislike."
J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix
"Business is not just doing deals...(it is also) a cobweb of human relationships."
Ross Perot
"The meeting of two personalities is like the meeting of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."
Carl Jung
"If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far."
Daniel Goleman
"Assumptions are the termites of relationships."
Henry Winkler
MY FAVORITE BOOK FOR AUGUST
"Make it Glow" by Tom DeCotiis: Greenleaf Book Group Press 2008
This book is a terrific guide to: How to build a company reputation for human goodness, flawless execution, and being best-in-class.
It's all about how to make everyone LOVE your business as much as you do. It makes SO much sense!
I created a wonderful interactive design around this book for non-profit service organizations in St. Croix USVI, using and adapting all the same principles Tom talks about for communities instead of businesses. Enjoy!
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SPREAD THE WORD!
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I encourage you to share this newsletter with anyone you feel would enjoy it. Remember, past newsletters on a wide variety of leadership topics are located in the archive in the link above right. Just click and read. Enjoy!
See you in September!
Insightfully yours!
Roxi Bahar Hewertson
AskRoxi.com
HighlandConsultingGroupInc.com
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QUESTION:
"How do I build ownership of our team with the team so I don't dominate as the leader?"
ANSWER:
1. First, you need to identify WHY the team is there in the first place and be very clear about your "SHARED PURPOSE."
2. Then take the time to create your Ground Rules or Rules of Engagement so all the members determine and agree upon the behaviors and actions that are acceptable and not acceptable - like starting and ending on time, silencing technology, or taking care of yourself (physically and emotionally).
3. Make sure you hold yourself and each other accountable to your Ground Rules or they will become meaningless.
4. Don't speak first unless you have to. Rotate facilitation and/or process observer roles.
5. Ask more than you tell.
6. Develop mission, vision and values with and the TEAM for the TEAM.
7. Always have an agenda and send it out ahead of time - with input from the team if at all possible. Make sure that info sharing is no more than 20% of the agenda.
8. Prepare - make the effort to "design" your meetings/gatherings so that everyone's time is well spent. Check in regularly to find out whether improvements or changes are needed.
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