In the spirit of Mr. Winslow's visit to Ypsilanti, we present to you...
The Stand-Up Comedy of General Demetrius Ypsilanti
"Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, how about a big hand for our warm up acts, but now it's time for our headliner. You've seen him on the old Magic Johnson Show and he does the voice of Constantine, a Moldavian officer in the Imperial Russian Army on Cartoon Network's "Mongolian Chop Squad", please give a warm welcome to the commander of Troops in the Greek War of Independence and generally a very funny man, General Demetrius Ypsilanti !"
"Hey! How's everybody doing tonight? My name's Demetrius, a Greek word meaning 'Family Dollar'. As most of you know, I'm a General in the Greek Army and spent all day yesterday battling the Turks where our ammunition was completely exhausted. Well, I just got in this morning, and boy, are my arms tired.
Hello? Is this on?
It's an honor to be here tonight in the City that took my name, with a marble bust of myself right across the street from one of the country's great Universities and in the shadow of the world's largest architectural phallic symbol. Kind of humbles a guy, you know?
Any married people here tonight? My fiance' Manto is mad at me. She was complaining that I never take her out to eat - I call it 'whining and dining' - so we went to the biggest steak house in Viron. I ordered an 18 oz. steak very rare. The waiter asked if I wasn't worried about the mad cow. I told him "Nah, she can order whatever she wants for herself".
For her birthday, Manto hinted that she wanted something sleek that would go from 0 - 150 in three seconds. So I bought her a scale.
Actually, I bought Manto a beautiful coat made from skunk hide. She asked "How could something this stunning come from such a foul smelling disgusting animal?" I said, "Look, you don't even need to say thanks, but it's not necessary to insult me."
The last time I was deployed, I called Manto and said, "Sweetheart, I'm getting excited just thinking about you." She said, "Who is this?"
What a crowd. What a crowd.
So a guy is in divorce court. The judge says, "...and I'm giving your ex wife $800 a month in alimony." The guy says, "That's very generous Your Honor. I'll try to help a little myself every now and then."
A guy walks into a bar where they have a piano player during happy hours with a monkey who collects tips. A customer goes up to the piano player and says, "Hey! Do you know your monkey just spit in my beer?" Without looking up, the piano player asks, "What key is it in?"
What? No rim shot?!?
But what about those privates of mine? Hey! What kind of crowd is this? I mean the enlisted men!
I have one private who thinks he's a goat. I asked him how long he's felt like this and he told me since he was a kid.
I walked into the barracks one day and asked this private why he wasn't working. He said it's because he didn't see me coming.
I asked a private to stand behind my vehicle and make sure that the turn indicators were working. He was yelling, "Yes, Sir. No, Sir.Yes, Sir. No, Sir.
One of my privates was being court marshaled. The Corporal said, "You've been brought in for excessive drinking." My private answered, "Great! Let's get started!"
Hi - Yo!
Ya know, it's not easy being a General. It's so rough, that on one assignment, we had nothing to eat but dehydrated food. We got caught in a rainstorm and everybody gained 50 pounds.
It's so rough that my 2nd Lieutenant came to me and said, "General, there's little to eat and little to drink. The troops are revolting." I said, "Well, you're pretty repulsive yourself."
Last week, the toilets were stolen from the Officer's Quarters. The M.P.'s have nothing to go on.
But seriously, I come from a rough town.
The most common form of transportation is a stretcher. Our local bank keeps its money in another bank. The candy store has a bouncer. I once got mugged by an elderly Asian man. He broke my arm in 3 places. Athens, Viron, and Crete. Then he stabbed me about 40 times. He didn't get much money, but my bad back pain went away.
So are you having fun, Sir? Good. Are you in show biz? No? Then how about getting your feet off the stage?
So a soldier accidentally hits a pig with his jeep and speeds away. The M.P.'s bring him in for questioning. "How'd you know it was me?" The M.P. answers, "The pig squealed."
Two guys are about to be executed. Each is granted a last wish. The first guy says, "I'd like to hear Celine Dion sing the theme song from "Titanic". For his wish, the second guy says, "Kill me first."
What's the difference between a wounded rhino and Carlita Kilpatrick? Jewelry.
And how about my doctor? You know my doctor, Dr. Larry Larue? Now I get why he wears a mask. He gave me a year to live and a bill for $10,000. I told him I'm in the Military and couldn't possibly pay his bill within one year. So he gave me two years to live. He told me I could make monthly payments. I said that it's kind of similar to buying a car. Dr. Larue said, "Well, more like a new boat
I told him my leg hurts and he said it was due to getting older. I told him my other leg's the same age and it doesn't hurt.
He called me and told me my check came back. I told him, "So did my arthritis."
But seriously, folks. What an honor it is to have this great city named after me. Interestingly, Ypsilanti was almost named for one of my contemporaries, General Rudolph Watterstreit.
You know, our Greek sister city Naphalia has many things in common with Ypsilanti. Beautiful historic buildings, great people, first class educational facilities, and an inordinate amount of tax preparation offices.
Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I had a great time tonight, thanks a lot for coming out. I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitstaff, I'll have "D. Ypsi - Water Street, Water Tower, Water you thinking?!?" tee shirts available in the lobby, and please drive safely.