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Company News and Recent Publications
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NEWS!
Guest Blog post published in April: Mediation of Ownership Disputes
Interview on health care conflicts published in Medscape in June: "Partner Conflicts: Fatal or Solvable?"
New downloads: Our new TIP cards, published for friends and clients in recognition of our 15th anniversary, can be found at our website. Scroll down to the end.
Guest blog post published in March: When Business Owners Get Divorced for Quincy CFO.
Guest blog post published in October: "What Every CEO Needs to Know About Dispute Resolution" for Wendt Partners.
Ellen Kandell became a certified mediator by the International Mediation Institute in April 2014!
Interview of Ellen Kandell in national ADR newsletter
How the Failure to Settle Affects the Workplace for Employees and Companies.
Negotiation Primer, Disclosures Magazine Virginia Society of Accountants. Email us for a copy.
Newly Revised Fact sheet
The High Cost of Conflict Email us for a copy.
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Dear Reader,
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Dear Reader,
Spring is, by now, very well sprung and summer already feels right around the corner. As our  environment continues to green and flourish, it's a good time to consider the possibilities this season might offer us for personal growth, too.
This newsletter is about forgiveness: a sensitive and sometimes daunting task, but one that harbors a precious pearl of opportunity for growth, learning, and freedom.
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Forgiveness: Embrace your agency in conflict
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Being human is full of irreducible contradictions. For every positive opportunity or reward we receive, there is a correspondingly ugly one, and conflict is part of this complex duality. Conflict is an unavoidable companion to our most gratifying moves forward in life and work, and no amount of cleverness or good intentions can keep us from experiencing its fallout. But that doesn't mean we don't have options. At some point we all find ourselves wishing that either we or someone else had behaved differently - a coworker, a business partner, a family member - and we make choices about how to cope with the difficulty of being hurt, being angry, or feeling guilty. Choosing forgiveness or acceptance might be a more powerful choice than you think.
We've written about the process and dimensions of of forgiveness before, and from an analytical perspective we acknowledge its specific relevance to, for example, managing intractable conflicts. Today we want to explore the empowering and liberating aspects of this process, and how taking up forgiveness can be an exercise in our own agency to influence how conflict affects our lives.
Hate is Heavy
Depending on the situation, and the intensity of the emotions involved, taking on forgiveness might seem like a tall order. It might be a tall order, and often it's not possible to simply 'decide' in one moment that your negative feelings should immediately disperse. It's a process. However, as you dread the looming idea of that process, take a moment to acknowledge what you are already requiring of yourself by not forgiving.
'Not forgiving' isn't really just not doing something; it generally involves actively cultivating a lot of negative emotions and reactions: repeatedly living through the scenario in our imaginations, and re-enlivening the pain, anger, or sense of injustice. By not forgiving we are choosing to carry on something else - a conflict, a negative experience, even if it's in our own heads. In this Wall Street Journal article Diane Cole quotes Mayo Clinic doctor Amit Sood, and reminds us that failing to forgive "is tantamount to 'suffocating' yourself emotionally...Forgiveness, by contrast, allows one to focus on more positive thoughts and relationships. 'It allows you to free up the real estate in your brain,' taken up by negative thinking."
And the effects are not just esoteric. According to Sood, "the effects on one's health from bottled-up anger and resentment can range from anxiety and depression to higher blood pressure and increased risk of heart attacks," writes Cole.
In conflicts with family members or co-workers, this effect is intensified by the fact that we see those people with such frequency. To keep up a grudge in your home or workplace means to make that negative process a fixture of your daily routine; in the end, you might simply hurt yourself further.
But I have the right...
To be upset? That very well may be true. But taking up the process of forgiveness is not tantamount to forcing yourself to see the situation differently, to 'realize' you misunderstood, or to justify someone else's behaviors. As Lucy Allais points out in her chapter on "Freedom and Forgiveness," forgiveness is not about realizing our resentment is mistaken, but about "giving up resentment to which we are entitled. The person who is sincerely asking for forgiveness is not saying: 'you could be wrong about being entitled to resent me;' she is saying, 'I know you are entitled to resent me, but I hope you will stop.'"
It is important to note, that there must also be a great deal of sensitivity when it comes to suggesting forgiveness: no one can require you to forgive, and no one who has hurt someone else is entitled to forgiveness, especially for egregious offenses.
The point is not to be coerced into granting forgiveness - that's more likely to resemble suppression or repression. It's important to give ourselves permission to experience feelings related to conflict, but then we might realize that hate is heavy, anger takes energy, and the ongoing negativity is likely to drag us down and possibly even come with physical health effects.
Accepting No Apology
But what if your teammate, business partner or friend doesn't ask for forgiveness? What if they don't even apologize? Cole points out that for some offenses forgiveness might be out of reach, and particularly if the offending party isn't willing to be apologetic. In this case psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring suggests there is another way to move past something on your terms.
"Rather than be 'entombed' in those raw feelings, Dr. Spring says, people in pain can find relief and resolution through an alternative stance she calls 'acceptance.' This strategy entails moving forward from the incident on your own terms, recognizing the magnitude of the violation but no longer allowing the unfairness to obsess you," writes Cole. Whether you can do it on your own or whether you need to consult the help of a friend or a therapist, this approach allows you to take back some agency with regards to your feelings and to the ongoing form of your relationship, even if your counterpart isn't willing to help you do that.
Again, no one can require you to begin the process of forgiveness or acceptance - but I might be so bold as to suggest you consider it when the opportunity arises. In the end your energy will be redirected towards caring for yourself and others, and the process itself will be one of growth that boosts your strength and emotional intelligence. The consequences of choosing not to may also be a high price to pay. And if it seems difficult to begin with, give it a chance. You might be surprised by how little you miss energetically circling the drain of not-forgiving, and by the spring in your step when you set down those negative emotions and try letting them go.
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TIPS: Approaching the process of forgiveness
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- Try first to hear yourself, your thoughts and your feelings: are you repeating the same story to yourself and riling up your own emotions? Why is it important for you to continue doing this?
- If you need to feel upset, that's all right. Really feeling something can help the intensity of the emotions pass.
- Give yourself permission to 'agree' with the part of yourself that is upset, but consider what you might be gaining by moving away from repetitious cycles of negativity.
- If there's too much pain for forgiveness to be an option, work on a strategy for acceptance so the event does not continue holding you in its grips.
- If it's too much to do alone, find a friend or professional who can support you in the the process of forgiving
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Conflict Resolution in the Community
|  Basic Mediation Training, Ellicott City, MD Sept. 28-Oct. 2, 2015 For registration information go to Maryland State Bar Association
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Put your organization in a conflict healthy environment.
Sincerely,
Ellen |
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Ellen F. Kandell, Esq.
Alternative Resolutions, LLC
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