Too often, we only half listen to what people say to us. This is often because: - We believe we know what the other person is going to say or,
- Because our mind is on something else.
Sometimes we think we understand, but don't take the moment necessary to clarify, if in fact, what we heard is what they wanted us to hear. And all it takes is one simple question that starts with "What I hear you saying is ..." and ends with a summary of what we heard said.
Listening is a developed skill and is considered one of the most important skills in business, yet it's rarely taught in schools. Communication is really the foundation of all relationships but there are some many things that can lead to ineffective communication, including:
- Mental Distractions
- Background Noise or Physical Distractions
- Meaning in words
- Mental Gate keeping
- Appearances
Let's take a look at the impact of each of these potential communication distractions:
Mental Distractions: Our minds can be easily distracted by issues from the present, the past or the future. If we're focused on something else that is occurring, recently occurred and we anticipate is going to occur, we can't focus on a conversation that is currently underway. Anticipating what the other party is going to say is another form of mental distraction especially if we get caught up in assuming what the other party is going to say.
Background Noise or Physical Distractions: Noises of all kinds can get in our way. Distracting noises can come from other people talking, telephones, radios or TVs in the background. Our computers can be a distraction. Have you ever found yourself talking to someone on the phone and suddenly you're reviewing an e-mail that came in on your computer.
The challenge is that many people believe they can actually do two things at one time, talking to someone while reviewing or even responding to an e-mail that comes in from someone else. We hear people talking about multi-tasking all the time. However, research has clearly shown that our brains are only capable of doing one thing at a time. So if we're talking to someone, we cannot work on our computers and vice versa. In fact, the research our of Harvard Business School found that those people that focus on only one thing at a time, get a great deal more done that who believe they are multi-tasking.
The same applies when listening; it is simply no possible to listen and do another mental activity at the same time.
Meaning in Words: Then we have to deal with meanings in words. When it comes to defining words, the first is, of course, the standard dictionary definition. However, many words have multiple meanings, especially in the English language where slang is prevalent.
In some cases, our life experiences, the society in which we were raised, whether English is your first language, emotional issues that might be associated with the word even the type and level of education we've had can affect the definition of the word.
Mental Gate keeping: We sometime refer to this as mindset. This can be anything your brain or unconscious mind does not want to accept as true or relevant. We filter out most of what we are exposed to. If we were to see and notice everything at once, we would go crazy. So our brain's RAS (Reticular Activating System), says, "Is this important or a danger?" If the answer is no, it filters it away.
The problem is we don't realize what we are stopping at the gate. And the person you are trying to share a message with also has their own gate keeping system.
Appearances: Lastly, we must be aware of our audience, the person with whom you are trying to communicate. If you are at a formal function and you are dressed relaxed too casually, the people that you want to communicate with will be spending more time thinking about how you are dressed rather than focusing on what you are saying.
The same applies if you are trying to relate to the unemployed or street people; if you're dressed in an expensive designer suit, they will be suspicious of you and will have no interest in speaking with you. Remember, your clothes communicate a message, too.
Whatever the reason, too often problems arise because of miscommunication. The key is to recognize that you can only change, YOU! So go ahead and ask: What I hear you saying is ... ?
There are many ways to improve the way you communicate. For example, things will always start on the right foot if you open the conversation in a way that creates mutual respect. Using phrases such as, "If you have a minute, I'd like to talk with you about something that I think will improve the way we work together," helps set your conversation partner at ease. It tells him or her that you have positive intentions.