With all the confusion going on in politics, weather, countries, and relationships  we wish you some sense of peace and direction.  We trust that you are doing what you can in your part of the world to make it better, more humane and cooperative. 

     I've included Seven Listening tips to help you deal with people who see the world differently than you do. Sometimes it is really hard to listen when another's view is so radically different than ours. I've noticed that with many marriages, we start out believing that difference benefits the relationship, but then after awhile we want our partners to think like us on the critical issues. But later with maturity comes a further stage, where we go on to appreciating and enjoying in depth being "with" someone who is different. May you find that in your lives. 

     I'm pleased to report that Why Don't We Listen Better? is now available through Amazon for the Kindle. It also works with some other e-readers using a Kindle App download. I have it both on my MacBook Pro and iPhone. (You'll note from Sally's piece below that I've gone over to the dark side, PC to Mac.) In the Kindle edition, it's easy to go from the Table of Contents to various chapters and back. Amazing.

    Also, we just stacked another 2000 books in our garage, having gone through 9500 so far. We are really excited the book has fiound so many good homes and offices. 

Jim

My next FREE listening/counseling  workshop is scheduled for Friday evening  August 12 from 6-9pm. . Rick Collins will teach a boundaries class for better relating on Saturday the 13th from 9-4. That is optional if you are interested. He'll be there Friday evening for you to get further info. 

Consider inviting  friends or relatives who might profit from learning to listen more effectively, or forward this email with your recommendation.

Directions: Off Hall Blvd a half mile north of Washington Square, turn right on Cirrus Drive, left at 2nd driveway on left. Go past the first building to the rear of Bldg. 23 on right.

Seven Tips for Listening to Folks 

with Whom You Disagree

1. Begin by dumping the judgmental attitude we slip into when we know we are right. When we think we know the truth, we have trouble listening therapeutically, that is, in ways that help others grow. The book, Saints, Sinners and Psychiatrists, challenges our "rightness" by saying that around some people "there is a stench of righteousness in which no human being can exist."

2. Develop an understanding of what we might call "crazy behavior." I define that as behavior whose roots I don't understand. I've discovered that when I take time to listen long enough to see the "baggage" another person brings to a situation, I find their behavior makes sense from their point of view. 

3. Take your communication style from courtroom to conference room. Our culture teaches a courtroom mode of communication -- accusation vs. defense, determining who is innocent or guilty, right or wrong, in or out. In courtroom, weakness is labeled "wrong" or "bad." In conference room, weakness needs to be understood so partners can work together toward success.

4. Let go of the importance of "agreement" in a relationship. To me agreement is a substitute for friendship. Working together based on agreement is short-lived, because agreement is fleeting from one issue to the next. Real friendship is not bothered by, but rather enjoys, differing views and values and grows from sharing them.

5. Get rid of winning as a goal. Winning produces losers.  In relationships and situations people who "need" to win damage others, diminishing productivity. If you need to win, you may have a lot to learn about yourself, your insecurities and your motivations. (This does not mean you abandon deeply-held beliefs, it just means not letting yours get in the way of being open to understand those of others.)

6.  Before stating your view/concern about anything, repeat to the other's satisfaction your understanding of theirs. Whenever possible, listen first and talk second. This values them and requires you to really understand them, an obligation we rarely manage before sharing our views.

7. Develop a sense of humor. When we are clearly inside ourselves and a situation, we are not able to see that what the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People suggested, that we might be cutting trees well, but in the wrong forest. In spiritual terms, a sense of humor is God's perspective. To see ourselves from a distance allows us to chuckle at our quirks and foibles and take ourselves and our "rightness" less seriously. 

Jim@PetersenPublications.com.