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Greetings from the coast in Oregon,
This month we're asking for your input. Jim is writing a version of the Listening book targeted to couples. His laboratory for relating has been our relationship and his counseling/teaching and now he'd like to expand that lab to include you.
How about your experience? What have you learned about your relationship as part of a couple? Or where are you stuck? What about your responses to Jim's "Why" book? He would love illustrations of how you've used the listening techniques yourself or with other couples - conversations, learnings. If you send us examples, or comments, please include permission for us to use them.
Here's a second request: Many of you have read one or both of our books. They are in Amazon and now in all the eBookstores. Reviews help readers a lot, especially on-line, helping them decide whether to buy or read. We'd love to have you review our books where you shop and help others enjoy what you have liked or benefitted from.
Best wishes, Sally (& Jim)
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| JIM'S LISTENING TIP | 
As you may know I teach and write for believers and non-believers alike. Listening better can allow us to make a better, more hospitable world for everyone. What follows I've written for my couples-targeted version of Why Don't We Listen Better? I want to include the belief that underlies my writing without excluding anyone. So please read and let me know what you think and suggest any edits that might help me. Thanks, Jim
The word communication derives from the root "to commune." It has at least two levels - sharing information and connecting with others.
For the spiritually minded, overtones of "to commune" suggest that people connect with each other and with whatever is basic to our humanity at a level deeper than thought. It brings to mind the adage - "you can't be human alone." There is something in community that has the power to make us whole. Many approaches to psychology affirm this with different language by suggesting that unconditional acceptance by the therapist supports growth and change in the counselee. I have been touched and have grown when real people listened to me that way.
I want to share that growth process with you. A favorite psychiatrist said that listening is an act of love, which fits one of the two counseling ideas I learned in seminary. A professor described a listening/counseling session as "structured agape." Agape, is a first century Greek word Biblical writers used to describe the fully accepting, life-giving, non-judgmental love of God. This struck me as the spiritual equivalent of the psychologists' "unconditional acceptance," which we can do for each other.
That grabbed me well over fifty years ago and has formed the basis for my thinking, counseling, and teaching ever since. It meant to me that when I entered a counseling session or started listening to someone on a bus that God's love was organized around that person, so he/she could relax in that safety, sense the acceptance, and come more alive, taking a step toward becoming the best they could be. For me I never feel alone when working with people. For those who don't buy the spiritual side of that but who can go with "unconditional acceptance," there is power in the structure of how the human community operates that is supportive of growth. (For me, same thing, different words.)
When you or I listen or counsel we become a community with that other person and in that community more is happening than passing facts back and forth - we are communing at a deeper level than information sharing. (This fits the pastoral part of me that teaches a theology of accepting love.)
That is a long way around to say I believe that through learning to listen and communicate really well, your relationship with a partner offers the greatest possibility to gain significant maturity and joy.
That is why I struggle to write, hoping to encourage you, no matter what your belief structure, to surround your partner with your love by using the practical listening skills ahead. I hope too that you'll find deep respect for people vibrating off these pages and that it will stir your compassion for each other.
I'll be saying this again, but long-term changes in relationships do not come from knuckling under to another's wishes or demands, but through hearing, understanding, and deepened caring for your partner's concerns.
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| FREE LISTENING SKILL WORKSHOP |
DATE: Saturday, October 12, 2013
TIME: 9 am - 3 pm (Bring a sack lunch)
LOCATION: Good Samaritan Ministries
7929 SW Cirrus Drive Bldg #23
Beaverton OR 97008
Most people think they listen well, but don't. Not really hearing what others are trying to say can be costly. When people don't feel heard they tend to get irritated, confused, and pull away from each other. Communicating and connecting better in relationships begins with understanding our culture's courtroom style of communication that keeps people at odds with each other.
You may want to listen better to folks who get confused, frustrated, hurt, depressed, excited, grief stricken, or angry and do them some good. Or you may simply want to communicate better with your kids, partners, parents, bosses, or employees in a way that keeps you and others from getting defensive.
Jim Petersen's tongue-in-cheek Flatbrain Syndrome will highlight how we humans operate, make sense of our emotions and thinking, demonstrate how talking and listening really work, and show better ways to handle difficult relationship issues.
His Talker-Listener Card could help you end arguing as you know it. This versatile card works everywhere, from the family dinner table to work, teaching, and counseling settings. You'll take one with you.
His listening techniques are easy to understand and will give you tools to practice to make getting along better with others within reach. You can improve the way you relate to those you care about.
DIRECTIONS TO WORKSHOP: Off Hall Blvd a half mile north of Washington Square, turn right on Cirrus Drive, left at 2nd driveway on left. Go past the first building and around the end of the second one. It is Bldg. 23.
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| Digging Deep |  Although my book of small essays, "Tea Pie, Love and Reality," looks light, it's really not. A group of readers proved that to me this weekend as we dug into it together. In a library room at a local church, everyone held a copy, we read our favorites aloud and discussed their relevance. Here's one of their top picks, called Comfort. "Comfort is as big a trap as misery-maybe more so, since misery provides its own impetus for change; comfort gives none." Everyone had a story about how this applied to her or his life. We laughed a lot, grew to know each other at a significant level, and decided the book was meaty enough to do it again. This format would work for any book club. If you are interested, there's a price break on multiple copies, and I'd be happy to talk by phone or by email with you about book club format. Or you could Skype me in to your meeting and we could talk in person. Or have a hangout on Google+! |
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| Jason Lost a Foot | |
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I got a call first thing this morning from our oldest grandson Jason, who had his foot blown off by an IED in Afghanistan a week and a half ago. He's getting great care in a hospital in Texas. It was his second tour in a unit searching for IEDs. He told his son about searching for IEDs, that sometimes you find them and sometimes they find you. He told his mom who was in tears, "Relax Mom, it's just a foot."
A task he took very seriously was that each day before his unit's mission he would share a scripture and pray for their safety. His friend who is covering for him while he's getting a new foot doesn't know the Scriptures very well.
Jason asked me to help by sending him 1 to 4 verse Scriptures that might be meaningful to his "brothers" before their missions.
Please help by emailing me your favorite supportive passages appropriate for our kid/troops trying to stay alive and protect others from IEDs.
Thanks, Jim
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