When someone is upset and you want to help, it may seem polite and non-intrusive to ask: "Do you want to talk about it?" I never do. And I encourage you not to either. 

Why? Because their culture-bred inhibitions will likely get in the way of accepting the listening help they need and that you can provide. They may not want to burden you with their pain. They may think their concerns are unworthy of your time or even feel embarrassed to admit they can't handle everything on their own.

So I plow in gently with a listening response to what their body is saying and ask: "I heard that John (or Jane) died. What happened...?" Or: "You seem confused, what's going on?" Or, "You look like you just got bad news, what's happening?" Or, "If that just happened to me, I'd be shaken, how are you handling it?" Or, "It seems like you're angry with me, what's it about?" (Notice how all the questions are open-ended and can't be answered with a conversation stopping "Yes" or "No.")

Then I bite my tongue and let them talk. I keep my eyes open for clues about how to listen next. It provides real support for people to know that someone cares enough to be with then in their painful or confusing situation.

However, once in a great while, someone "really doesn't want to talk about it" - that is, their hurt-filled situation (discovering cancer or being mad at you). If so, they'll let you know. (Usually by changing the subject.) 

I have come to trust that in our culture people have well developed avoidance skills. They'll dodge by asking about your family or job, the latest sports event or a recipe. They'll do it so fast it'll astound you. 

For me, I ask about their loss, acknowledge their pain, and let their behavior tell me if they want me to listen through their issues with them. This may or may not be the time for them to start talking it through. If they aren't ready, I go with the rapid change of topic. But, I'm there for them when they need me, whether they know it or not.    

Tea Pie, Love and Reality, my spunky little book, finally made it into the electronic world. It's downloadable on any device: Kindle, Nook, etc., for less than the hard copy.

I'm thrilled with the conversion. You can click on any item in the table of contents and go directly to the one-page story or essay, then back again to explore another one. Just as with a "real" book, you can flip through to find the nugget you want. Each stands alone, even if it's only a sentence or two long.

Tea Pie is named for one of my favorite stories. The book is perfect for gift giving. Both brief and witty, I've been told it appeals to both women and men, although we know women buy most of the books published. One friend bought ten copies, one for each friend she exchanges gifts with every year. I'd love for you to do the same.

I'd love also to hear from you when you have looked through or read your copy. I'll soon have a new website, but you can reach me through the old address. I'm sally@PetersenPublications.com. You can buy hard copies from there or from Amazon.