Happy Holidays from Jim & Sally

   On the heels of tragedy comes the big question: WHAT DO WE SAY... To a child or adult after a horrific loss? To someone who's lost a loved one? To a child who's afraid to go to school? To parents who fear that schools are not safe? To anyone impacted by a crisis?

   As soon as we frame the question we get anxious, because we don't have an answer and fear that there is no answer that will work.  And we're right, talking won't do it, from "Percentages tell us that schools are safe," to "We'll buy you another dog," to "You're young yet and you'll find another love." Such assurances (even religious ones) on the heels of a crisis are glib and at best, useless.

   Why doesn't such reassurance work? It's because it comes too soon and it is talking, when we should be listening. When people mutter, "Why did this have to happen?" They are not asking a question for information. They are not ready to listen. They are in pain and crying out to be heard, not to be told stuff. 

   Now you may have some really helpful information to share, but bite your tongue and hold it until it's your turn, that is, after they have been acknowledged, heard and know that they are understood. 

   The first rule in a crisis is, LISTEN FIRST - TALK SECOND. If you acknowledge people's fears, their pain, their losses, their hurts, their confusion, their anger, etc. first, then they may become calm enough to hear what you have to say. Remember, it's important that you use their timing not yours. 

   And another important piece, when you listen first, you may find that your initial answers really don't fit and you will have time to come up with something to say that might actually be helpful. 

   Mostly folks who are in pain over a tragedy need the surrounding kind of love that we can share through listening, not talking. 

   Solstice is followed shortly by Christmas, the holiday I celebrate. It represents birth and hope and the possibility of grace, but also brings an unspoken sadness, as all honest mothers and fathers will admit. Especially this year, when those six-year-olds were gunned down in Connecticut, parents remember the fear that accompanies the decision to bring children into the world and how helpless we are to protect them from that world.

   On the heels of these two holidays, comes the New Year, that Janus-faced time when we face back to evaluate and mull over the year behind, and look ahead to the coming twelve months: A new chance, real hope. Other year-end holidays celebrate light in the midst of darkness, but these are mine.

   They come in an oblique line upwards, low to high, darkness to light, sadness to oh-boy-another-chance! I no longer put on high heels and a champagne-colored dress and dance New Year's Eve away, as I did on a memorable night in college. But the old hope still stirs in my heart, and all my years can't extinguish it.

   I celebrate the new year by picking a word by which I will try to live in the coming months. Just one word...not a list of resolutions, not something I have to refer to, just a word I carry in my mind. My favorite, that I will use again this year, is "intentional." I want to lead an intentional life, not just swing along from branch to branch through the seasons. 

   I present this idea to you as we note the three holidays...solstice, Christmas and the New Year, low to high. 

   So here it goes: "Intention" for 2013. I can live with that.

   With what word could you spend the next year?

Jim's book, Why Don't We Listen Better? and Sally's book Tea Pie, Love and Reality are both available at Amazon. Jim's is on Kindle as well His paper and ebooks have sold 13,000 copies.