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Today, I want to talk to you about a sensitive subject - demanding respect and standing your ground. If you're breathing and you've lived long enough, chances are good that you've been disrespected at some point along the way. So, what method do you use to deal with trouble (in this case, trouble is anyone with a disrespectful attitude) when it comes knocking on your door? Do you confront the disrespectful person? Do you run away? Are you silent? Do you put on your best shocked face? Or do you grab a ball-bat and go to war? Although I admit that the redneck country gal in me has certainly been tempted to deal with trouble using the latter method, none of these methods are the answer, nor do they "fix" the problem. Why? Respect isn't something you get by demanding it, no matter how well-deserved. Why? You can't legislate respect. Nope, you can't demand that others respect you, but there is someone that you can demand respect from. And who would that be? That, my friend, would be you!
Music legend, Aretha Franklin, probably said it best when she sang, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find Out What It Means To Me". You see, it's not about what respect means to someone else, or even whether or not they show you the respect you deserve. Sure, it would be nice. But the unfortunate truth is, respect might not mean anything at all to someone else. And that's the cold, hard truth. Whether it's your kinfolk, your children, the in-laws, the out-laws, your husband, your wife, or your next door neighbor - you simply can't "demand" one's respect. Yes, you can teach others to respect you, but you can't demand it.
Nevertheless, there is something you can do. You can demand your own respect! Wow, take a moment and read that simple sentence again. Demanding respect for one's own self always starts with a decision - a decision to "unapologetically" raise the standard for your life. That means that you determine what is acceptable and what is unacceptable for the person that God has called you to be, and for the life that He has called you to live. Then what? Then you stick to your guns. And finally, you demand respect by standing your ground.
STAND YOUR GROUND
"Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness."
(Ephesians 6: 14, NLT)
When I do groundwork and round-penning exercises with my horse, it is important that I stand my ground in order to earn his respect. So, what does respect look like in a horse? My horse, Samson, demonstrates it pretty well here. Think gentleman and humble!
Before we go deeper, let me ask you a question. Have you ever seen a show horse who has mastered all the correct gaits and maneuvers for the show ring, but is completely disrespectful towards his rider or handler? Of course you have, and so have most of us who have been around the show-block a time or two. I spent many years showing quarter horses. My horse, Montana, collected enough blue ribbons in western pleasure to fill a bushel-basket, and my horse, Samson, won the coveted all-around championship for the state of Tennessee back in his hay day, having competed and won in western pleasure, halter, trail, showmanship, and western riding. And yet, in spite of their accomplishments neither horse was a prima donna, either in or out of the show ring.
Although both horses were talented and seasoned competitors (and yes, I still maintain bragging rights), I never allowed my horses to be full of themselves. How did I keep them from becoming full of themselves? I did it back then the same way I do it today. By standing my ground. And how do you stand your ground with a horse? You stand your ground with a horse much the way you stand your ground with people. You establish ground rules and have boundaries in place that both parties to the relationship understand. We'll talk more about that in a moment. Suffice to say, even with all their accolades, to this day both of my horses are still gentlemen and humble. In other words, they are the kind of horses that you want to be around and spend time with. Just remember - a horse that is full of himself is a disrespectful horse (yep, the same goes for people). And make no mistake about it, a disrespectful horse (or person) is a dangerous horse (or person), no matter how talented or good-looking he or she is!
When teaching Samson to respect my leadership, I stand (maintain or hold) my ground while requiring him to move his feet. In the world of horses, the Alpha (first, leader) is always in control of the other horse's movements. While people may struggle with issues concerning leadership and hierarchy - horses get it completely!
So, how do you teach a horse to respect you? When training a new horse (or an old horse) to be respectful, I always start at ground level. I use an approximate 40 -45 foot round-pen for my classroom. Why a round-pen? A round-pen gives the horse enough space to move out freely while at the same time giving me a close-enough proximity to direct his movement, as well as reach out and touch him with a lunge whip if I need to. My body language and how I present myself to the horse, as well as my strong physical presence in the center of the round-pen speaks volumes. Words are rarely, if ever, necessary, and I don't have to tell my horse who I am in relationship to him. Every horse is adept at reading humans like a book, and they know even before we know!
While my horse moves his feet and circles the round-pen, I maintain a position of strength. I do that by moving my feet as little as possible except for when asking for a change of direction, making certain corrections, or interacting with my horse physically. In other words, I stand my ground. In the world of horses, it is said that the one who moves his feet first loses. This belief stems from observing equine herd behavior, and especially in situations where an Alpha horse is involved. When it comes to understanding the dynamics of the horse/human relationship, experience has taught me that the more ground I am willing to give up or concede, the more disrespectful my horse becomes.
Perhaps that's something worth thinking about the next time someone disrespects you and tries to pull you into an argument. The more you argue back, the more ground you concede. Learn to stand your ground confidently, and let the other person do all the work!
When working with a horse, I establish ground rules that don't leave him wondering how I expect to be treated. And how do I expect to be treated? I expect to be treated with respect. Make sense? When your life depends on it, you can bet your boots it will make sense!
When working with a new horse, it doesn't matter to me how well trained he is purported to be, or how many rides he has been on - I always start out with round-penning, both on line and at liberty. Again, why? Ours is a new relationship in its formative stages, and I am the one who will establish the new ground rules for how I am to be treated. Note that I didn't say "I will establish the ground rules for how the horse is to be treated". It is understood that I will treat my horse fairly, and with dignity and respect. What may be a bit more nebulous is how my horse is inclined to treat me. Hence, I establish the rules for how I am to be treated, and not him. When you think about it, establishing the ground rules for how you want to be treated is a pretty good rule of thumb whether you're talking about horse relationships or human relationships.
Simply put, you have the power to teach others how to treat you. Don't give away your power. Although you can not demand that someone else respect you, you can demand it of yourself. When you have great respect for yourself, and are unwilling to lower your standards by accepting the unacceptable, chances are good that others will learn to respect you, too.
There Are Three Reasons
To Establish Ground Rules:
Hint: This is good advice whether you're
dealing with horses or people!
1. Establish ground rules so that you do not get hurt.
2. Establish ground rules so that your horse does not get hurt.
3. Establish ground rules so that your horse learns to respect you and the inherent hierarchy or boundaries of your relationship.
In the world of horses, there is no room for misunderstanding, or a failure to communicate. Horses aren't interested in human or horse Psychology 101. They aren't interested in whether or not we're having a bad hair day. And they aren't concerned whether or not we've missed our anger management class for two weeks in a row. What horses do understand is relationship and hierarchy. Every relationship is based on a hierarchy whether you are talking about your relationship to animals, your relationship to God, a wife's relationship to her husband, or a child's relationship to his or her parents, etc. Hierarchy is inherent in every workable relationship, and because it is, boundaries must always be established and understood. One of the boundaries we must establish is drawing the line when others insist through their behavior that we walk on eggshells.
Walking On
EGGSHELLS?
JUST STOP IT!
"But except for these special cases, I'm not going to walk around on eggshells worrying about what small-minded people say; I'm going to stride free and easy, knowing what our large-minded Master has already said."
(1 Corinthians 10: 29, The Message)
A disrespectful horse is a dangerous and unpredictable horse. Most dangerous and unpredictable horses are man-made behavioral problems. How so? Oftentimes we reward their bad behavior by always walking around them on eggshells. Yep, you guessed it, it's the same with people. The answer? Stop rewarding bad behavior!
The root of most equine bad behavior is disrespect. Let's be real, it's the same with people. When dealing with a disrespectful horse (or a disrespectful person) who has you clearly in his sites, you don't have time to earn his or her respect. Why? You're usually too busy trying to wipe the shocked look off your face and figure out what just happened! That's the purpose for ground rules and why they are important. Ground rules help establish hierarchy and boundaries. And hierarchy and boundaries help establish respect. Again, can you demand that a person respect you? Absolutely not! But you can demand that "you" respect you! And how do you do that? You do that by refusing to be someone's captive by walking on eggshells. What do I mean by walking on eggshells? According to the Urban Dictionary (yes, there really is such a thing), to walk on eggshells means "to watch what you say or do around a certain person(s) because anything might set him or her off."
Although walking on eggshells sounds like an easy feat, in fact, it's akin to walking a tight-rope. It's a balancing act, at best, and always a gamble whether or not you'll survive the experience! I don't know about you, but I'd make a lousy tight-rope walker. Why? I prefer both of my feet on the ground. If my feet do leave the ground, I prefer a safety net. My safety net is the Lord, and the standard I have chosen for myself and how I allow others to treat me. Did I actually use the word "allow"? You bet your Luchese cowboy boots, I did! It's a high standard that says "I am worthy of respect". It is my hope that you feel exactly the same way about yourself. Why? You are a child of God, created in His image, and you deserve respect. Does that mean that every one will honor the boundaries of your relationship and give you the respect that you deserve? Nope, it just means that you will always respect yourself. And you will always stand your ground!
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