Anyone who has spent any time around toddlers will be familiar with the tantrum "war cry" of "I Want It NOW!" Doesn't sound like the sort of thing a balanced, mature adult would say does it?  Or does it? 

Put food into the equation and we can be exactly like that toddler, particularly when we are losing weight.  We focus on what we "can't have", become obsessed by it and then become an expert at manouvering a situation to be able to get what we want. 

Adults you see have left behind the vulnerable position of childhood where we needed an Adult to feed us.  We are now financially and physically capable of feeding ourselves, and we loving getting our own way.  Put it all together and this is why a lot of weight loss programmes are not seen through to completion, and, also why we can put weight back on as well.

My clients will be well aware of one of my favourite counselling theories which is the Drama Triangle, or Karpman Triangle (after the creator of the Theory, Stephen Karpman)

This is a game.  There are three positions, or roles, in the game; Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim.  It is a game you can play with yourself, or, with one or more others.  In the above example the "I Want it NOW" thought is you Persecuting yourself and that leaves you feeling like a Victim where typical thoughts are "I can't do this", "I'm never going to be slim", "No diet works for me - ever".

A big mistake that many make with this game is to believe that the Rescuer is going to make everything alright.  The Rescuer in your own mind is the thought that says "Well, look, just have a night/weekend/week/holiday off the 'diet' and then get straight back onto it in the morning/Monday/when you get back".  So what's wrong with that you ask?  Quite a lot unfortunately, because what the Rescuer in you is doing is just strengthening that old habit of stopping and starting without learning a new way of balanced thinking and eating which will both get the weight off and keep it off.

One of the worst things a friend or family member can do is to try and be your Rescuer.  This is meant with the best of intentions, it will be because they think they are being supportive, but, all they are doing is pushing you further down into that Victim status.  Their trying to help is taken up by your sub-conscious as "I obviously can't do it myself, so someone else will have to do it for me".

Take a look at this typical interaction between two people, their dialogue and body language and the role they are playing , and then notice now the 'Players' in the game switch positions:

Can you see what happened?  The Rescuer, with the best of intentions, tried to cheer up the Victim who didn't want to be cheered up, they wanted to be listened to and helped to find a solution for themselves.  So, their reaction to the good intentions of the Rescuer was to turn on them like a Persecutor and leave the Rescuer feeling like the Victim.

Can you see where this "game" has been played out in your life?  Possibly when you have been trying to stick to a diet, convince yourself it's OK to have "just one" of something that is not on the diet and a Rescuer catches you and says "should you be having that?".  Did it end well?  I doubt it.

There is no good position to be in in the Drama Triangle game - the best place to be is as far away from it as possible.

So, a good question to start with is  "Why does it seem so important to have my own way?"

One reason may be because wanting things our own way helps us to become independent people. If we do not have an opinion, or want what we want, we would be at risk of having little self-identity or sense of who we are, not allowing our personalities to come forward.

The Victim mentality develops when we feel powerless when we convince ourselves that what we want to achieve can't possibly happen, or if it does, we can't sustain it.  This is the Victim position.  Then we can either become  defensive and tell ourselves "Well that rubbish diet didn't work - so it's not my fault" - Persecutor, or, withdraw and say "I've just got to accept I am what I am and I'm not meant to be slim" - Rescuer.

However, when we stay away from the Drama triangle and remain focused on our chosen  outcome, the one that is right for us,  we have a much better chance of making balanced, Adult choices to our behaviour without crossing the line of being "me" centered and demanding we get our own way. 

It takes a huge amount of self-awareness and practice to balance the personalities that want their own way.   With each setback, if we remain open and curious about what is driving our thinking and behaviour and learn from our experience, we have a better chance to live the slim, happy, healthy life we want. 

If you want to find out more about the LighterLife Programmes and what we can offer, give me a call on 01509 234433 or email Debbie.ford@lighterlifecounsellor.com or text 07860 017700 (text service only - not a mobile phone).

We'll have an initial meeting that is both free and doesn't obligate you to join so that you can ask whatever questions you wish to enable you to decide if this is the right weight loss solution for you, and then the decision about what you do next is entirely up to you and your new Beliefs!

Payment accepted in either cash or card with a small charge payable for the use of cards.