How glorious it is to come free of introspection, to simply be alive and fully present, indwelt by Christ! As a recovered, and still recovering "introspector," I found there is a clear path to freedom, albeit often slow and at times battle-wearying. My analytical self-inspecting had certainly occupied significant mental real estate, and for years I had even assumed it was a good and natural functioning of the soul. After all, wasn't I "working out my salvation?" Far from it! I was protectively engaged in self-management, disqualifying my true heart and quenching creativity. Worse yet, I was stilling the voice of God by my own loud musings, and the essential thing I most needed - to hear from Him that objective word of truth in every situation - went missing. I was, as C. S. Lewis noted in Perelandra, "walking alongside" myself. I habitually practiced diseased attitudes toward myself, trying to handle shame, fear, anxiety and internal pain so that I could present a better self.

These introspective thoughts, what Leanne Payne called "the turning inward to analyze," are inexorably linked to self-deprecating, self-loathing thoughts. Even as we engage in introspection to try and justify or redeem ourselves, we inevitably either sink downward into self-disqualification and shame or elevate ourselves into prideful self-justification. Sometimes we alternate between the two, but neither is holy and wholesome within our souls, both only feeding increasing loops of introspection.

As I began to understand this dark practice and its demands, I was greatly helped by the Lord to image a closed looping movement opposing, and in contrast to, the open movement of a soul reaching Godward. C. S. Lewis in The Collected Letters Vol. 1 (p. 924) described this self-enclosed movement well: "...your thoughts merely go round and round a wearisome circle, now hopeful, now despondent, then hopeful again-that way madness lies." Introspection is a form of madness! Leanne Payne echoed this in The Healing Presence (p. 186) when she wrote of introspection as "agonizingly painful and circular," the closed narcissistic movement of the soul down and inward toward the self, isolating us from others, from God, from our true selves.

So we see a movement of the soul that is really a closed circuit. It is a system powered by the false self and directed by the light of its own meager understanding. A closed system allows its energy to flow only around its own circuit, from one end to the other, uninterrupted and constantly recirculating. This illustrates the problem with introspection, for we desperately need interruption from our dark, stale, isolated, self-focused thoughts! We need to be free of that wearisome circuit that directs us toward "madness." We are called into a healthy, transforming movement of the soul that directs us up towards God and out toward others and toward the good and beautiful around us. Rather than engaging in a closed loop, moving downward, incurved into the false self, we can choose to look up and out in openness of soul toward God and others.  

When we place these two movements in juxtaposition, we see the contrast. One is closed, unable to receive only its own subjective reality, while the other is open and permeable to truth. When God speaks, permeating into our souls, we hear; when nature radiates its beauty, we can take it in with wonder; and when others engage us, we can receive and respond with real conversation.

So what are we do when we find ourselves mired in this subjective habit of introspection? What are we to do when we realize how much healing we need and are then tempted to sink into hopelessness? We must repent with all our heart from idolatry toward the old self, from pride, from self-loathing, and from self-sufficiency, and turn again to Christ as the source of all our joy and truth. We then invite the Holy Spirit to be the lamp of the Lord who searches our inward self. We resign from that search!     

Brother Lawrence, in The Practice of the Presence, wrote: "In God we will see more clearly what we lack, than we could in ourselves by all our introspection. In reality, introspection is but the remnant of unexpelled self-love." Christ alone knows the real motives of our hearts, the real brokenness that lies within us. And He can illumine each area of darkness, pinpoint each lie and sinful root, and renew our hearts again. We can then enter the battle to overcome, heeding the words of Paul: "...fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ...clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity (2 Cor. 10:5-6 MSG)."

Announcing Registration for Portland MPCS

God calls His people to attend MPC schools in His multi-splendored grace, what Paul calls polupoikilos. His grace radiates out with a great variety of colors, able to match each of us as we are today. Our ministry team is earnestly, actively praying that each will hear His still, small voice, calling His sons and daughters to come and receive life from the Lord of life Himself.

Thank you so much for meeting me this week in all my broken places. Thank you for opening my eyes and heart to the power of forgiveness and confession.

I am still amazed at the power of the spoken word whether it is me confessing my sin to someone or speaking out to someone; either in affirmation or Your word. Also in really looking at people. Looking into their eyes. Seeing their God-given humanness. Seeing their vulnerability and being willing to be vulnerable.

Lord I ask you to grow these things you have showed me.

Help me to straighten up to You! To receive my identity from You. Help me to be aware of myself; my feelings both emotionally and physically.

I love You,
(shared by a 2014 Wheaton MPCS attendee)

Canby Grove Christian Center

Wheaton School - July 5-10 - Click here for information; Click here to register

Portland School - September 13-18 - Click here for information; Click here to register

Ticino School - October 18-25 - Click here to sign up for more information