Shoot one.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn  

tune?
Evidently all of them.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.

Thanks to http://www.ducksdeluxe.com/jokes.html 

Relief for Upper Body, Shoulders, Arms and Hands

As musicians, we know that playing our instruments and entering data can, over time, cause fatigue and stiffness in our upper bodies, including shoulders, arms and hands.  Here are a few little stretches that can alleviate tension and get that synovial fluid between the joints moving again. I promise, it's worth taking the time.

1)   Garudasana Arms (variation): Upper back and shoulders:  Extend  both arms straight out in front of you.  Cross right arm over left so that it extends as far across the chest as is comfortable for you.  Bend the left elbow so that it forms a right angle.  You should feel a stretch across the upper back.  Reverse sides.

2) Roll the shoulders back so that the shoulder blades drape softly down the back.  Clasp the hands behind the low back keeping a micro-bend in the elbows. Arch the upper back lifting the breast bone and float the hands away from the body.  Hold for 3-4 breaths, expanding the chest.

3) Inhale and shrug the shoulders up to the ears.  Exhale and allow them to drop with an audible sigh. 3X.

4) Shoulder Roll:  Inhale and draw the shoulders forward and up.  Exhale and relax the shoulder blades down the back.  3X.  Then reverse the circle inhaling the shoulders up and relaxing the shoulder blades down the back.  Then exhale the shoulders forward. 3X.

5) Triceps Stretch:  Extend the right arm straight up toward the ceiling, palm facing in. Bend the elbow of the right arm. Then extend the left arm up and gently press the right elbow inward. Reverse arms.  2X each side.

6)  Hands in prayer (namaste) position pressing palms together at center of chest.  Inhale and dip the fingers straight down, roll the backs of the hands together and offer them out like a book with pinkies side by side, palms upward.  Exhale and reverse the circle - Roll the hands back towards the check with backs of hands together, continue rolling so that the fingers point downward, and continue in this direction until the hands are back to prayer position. 3X.

7) Do some wrist rolls, making a fist and rolling the wrists right (3-4X) and then left (3-4X).