News from Jude Bijou and Attitude Reconstruction™ Joy, Love, and Peace in 2016 
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 Attitude Reconstruction
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This just came in from an inmate who found one of my books that I donated to a Prison Project... It warms my heart.
I am currently an inmate at Nebraska Correction Center for Women in York Nebraska. I am a non-violent offender and have been in and out of prison for 20 years now.... When I got here I sought help. As a sat with the counselor and having previously recalled a period of time when I applied affirmations into my being - I changed drastically for the better -- so I asked her "What about affirmations?" She said "I don't believe in affirmations." That was a year ago - okay I thought, she's the professional. Then recently I came across your book - I think my soul literally leapt for joy when I read about your work with powering! You have given me renewed hope that I can fully recover - that I can begin to believe that I am worthy, competent, and fully capable of recovery. It leaves me filled with pure joy. I am now finding myself in a unique position to share that with women who desperately need hope for a very uncertain, more than likely, drug-filled future. There is a small group of us who gather to find ways to first help ourselves and second, help our community, both within the walls of our prison and out. I am working on bring York's first newspaper written by the inmates for the inmates. It's taken a whole year but I think it's finally going to work! I am writing in hopes that if you ever find yourself near Nebraska that you might consider speaking to us - to our community of women. I believe you could effect great change as you have done in my life. I am also asking to purchase my own copy of your book.... I wish to utilize your program to help others as it has helped me. I hope I am not over stepping my boundaries as I ask but we really need inspiration in this negative infestation of sad, angry, low-self esteemed group of women. Please share your light and help us shine. Enclosed is a picture of me and my seven-year old son on his visit with me last year! Regards, Jill |
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Dearest Friends,We've hit June gloom in May here in Santa Barbara, but the wildflowers around town and in the neighboring hills exploded. This was due in part to the El Nino. We got more rain this winter than in many years. Unfortunately, our main source of water, Lake Cachuma, is still way below normal. Water is indeed precious! I had a lovely excursion up to northern California to celebrate my birthday with my brother. Mini road trips and good eats were on the agenda! As you can see, they received more rain! 
Three articles caught my attention this month. The first illuminates why we can't keep all the weight off after dieting for so long to fit into our slim clothes. Our metabolism has gotten stuck on slow. The second describes a study that finds where you
lost your train of thought.And the third makes a case why punishing (namely spanking) your kids doesn't work. Though the percentage of folks who believe in punishment has gone down from 84% in 1986 to about 70% in 2012, we still have some educating to do. Old habits die slow.
Humorous Videos about Moods
Here's Ray Romano starting out soothing his wife's mood, and ending up thinking and doing the opposite. Oftentimes we just need to be listened to and given a little genuine empathy in order to shift our state.
This short video encapsulates what we sound like when we're in a funky mood.
And this one, featuring Snoopy, shows how a specific upset bleeds over into picking a fight with those we love.
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Getting the Upper Hand Over Your Mood 
Do you get in a mood and have a hard time getting out? Do your moods seem to descend on you for no particular reason? Do your family, coworkers or friends consider you unpredictable? Do you find yourself often brooding for extended periods of time?
Funky moods obscure our experience for hours, days, weeks, or even longer. Left unattended, they shape our personalities and determine the quality of our lives. We think that we have no control over our moods but the truth is quite the contrary. We create them with our thoughts and so we can create a different mood or dissolve the one we are in if we choose to do so.
You get in a mood when you have an emotional reaction to a specific event and don't process your sadness, anger, or fear physically and constructively. Here's an example. A client, Sam, considered himself moody and confessed that he could put a negative spin on everything for days at a time. When he came into my office yesterday, he said he currently felt alienated from his wife, keeping her at a distance, and judging her words and actions negatively. Let's take a look at what can be done to change this moody pattern.
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"She's got three moods from a previous marriage."
Five Steps to Dispelling Bad Moods
1. Trace back in time to identify when the mood began by looking at various past time-frames and determining if you were feeling it then. No matter its magnitude or duration, something upsetting happened that triggered your mood or pervasive feeling. It could have been as simple as an edgy interaction, an intense argument, or change of plans disappointment. Pinpoint the event by asking yourself, "When did I start feeling like this?" or, "When was the last time I remember feeling okay?"
Sam asked himself, "How was I feeling three weeks ago when my friends visited from out of town? How about last weekend at the wedding of his college roommate? How about Wednesday evening?" As he checked in about how he felt at various points in time, a light bulb went off in his head. Sam realized his mood started Wednesday morning after his wife made a snide comment about how he never did anything around the house. At the time he didn't say anything, but pulled away emotionally and started feeling distant. Voila. That was the culprit.
2. When you identify exactly when your mood started, process the event emotionally. That means, cry if you feel sad and hurt; move your anger out of your body by pounding, stomping, or pushing against something not of value if you're miffed about her misperception; and shiver if you feel scared, anxious, or afraid.
When Sam acknowledged how much it hurt to be judged so harshly, he knew he was on the right track. He also felt angry because he was being unjustly attacked. So he went out to the garage, sat behind the driver's seat, and proceeded to shake the daylights out of the steering wheel until he was truly exhausted.
3. Restore your perspective. When you're in the thick of things, your thinking can become skewed. After you attend to your emotions, you can ask yourself, "What's the larger, objective reality?" Look for a broader view to contradict your myopic feeling. What would a neutral third party say about this situation?
Sam thought about it and said the following: "I love my wife. That's how she talks when she's angry and not speaking up about something. I need to not take her unfounded criticism personally. Just don't respond and get into a war of words. Be the matador and let them go flying by." He wrote these phrases down on a 3x5 card so he could practice repeating them often.
4. Consult your intuition on whether you need to say or do something to resolve the specific, upsetting event. Ask yourself questions such as "What's the high road?" "What will get us feeling connected again?" Get specific. What exactly do you need to communicate? To whom? What points need to be covered and what request for a change do you need to make so that the future will hold more joy, love, and peace?
Sam realized that it was not too late to initiate a conversation about his wife's comment. If he just stuck with how hurt and angry he felt, because he really had made an effort to help out around the house for most of the day. Because he wanted to feel more loving towards her, he realized that he needed to speak to her about what happened, being sure that the conversation stuck with just her comment and not bringing in past unresolved grievances.
5. Follow through and you will find that your mood will lift and you'll feel more joy, love, and peace. Get clear about what your best guess is about what you need to do to feel resolved (step #4), and do it. Plan out what you want to say, refrain from blaming and talk about yourself. When Sam talked to his wife after dinner that night, much to his surprise she told him how bothered she had been by what she had said, but decided to pretend she didn't say it rather than apologize. They agreed that in the future they would talk about little upsets without delay.
It's easy to fall under the spell of a negative mood but equally easy to change it. If you trace back and find the exact moment that the mood was triggered and deal with just that specific event, it's almost like magic, but better.  |
Hey Jude!
My grown daughters don't return my calls. I feel so isolated. Why is this happening and what can I do?
I often hear this complaint from clients, whether it's a rift with a family member or friend. There are two reasons: either the two of you have one or more unresolved issues or your communication style leaves something to be desired. So, if you find yourself in this situation, ask yourself, "When did this cooling off start?"
If you can locate a specific event, then you need to work with that person to resolve it. First you need to do some planning to figure out what to say to open the topic up for discussion. This is "finding your I", what's true for you about the event. It's important to refrain from finger pointing or talking about the other person. After you speak up about you, then you need to listen, listen, listen. He or she has some important information that you need to hear before you can proceed to resolve the specific situation and reestablish your connection.
If it's a long established standoff pattern, then you need to do a bit of self-reflection and examine how you communicate. Do you bitch, moan, and complain? Do you put a negative slant on virtually any topic? Are you prone to giving unsolicited advice? Do you listen attentively only half of the time? Determine your style and do the opposite. Genuinely look for and voice the good, speak up and share about yourself, stop offering your opinion unless asked, and listen lovingly.
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Thanks for reading this newsletter. If you have any feedback, suggestions about a newsletter theme, or general comments, I enjoy hearing from you, so write me at: jude@AttitudeReconstruction.com
Cheers,
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