News from Jude Bijou and Attitude Reconstruction™ Joy, Love, and Peace in 2015 
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October 2015 Egotistical Attitudes
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Jude Bijou MA MFT is a respected psychotherapist, professional educator, and workshop leader. Her multi award- winning book is a practical and spiritual handbook to help you create the life you desire.
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Attitude Reconstruction
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A note from a reader:
"This has been an easy to use tool to successfully navigate through the loss of my loved ones, professional fears and worries, and any emotion that becomes overwhelming." Nancy R.
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Hello Friends,
I heard an interesting theory a few days ago... "Egoism is the root of all conflict in the world." Intuitively that makes perfect sense. Conflict stems from the belief that one person or group possesses superior knowledge and that they have the right to impose their views on others. This righteousness sets the stage for a "you vs. me" mentality that leads to feelings of separateness. Differences are accentuated and vilified and we are ready and willing to fight for our way. In the process our similarities, our humanness, and what we all share in common gets lost in the mix. 
"Don't listen to her--she's a control freak. Now let me tell you what you're gonna do." |
It's fast approaching!!!!!!!! Mark your calendar! Next communication class is NOVEMBER 14, 2015 in lovely Santa Barbara. The next communication class won't be until the spring. To register
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 "Relax. You're a famous author--no one expects you to talk about anything other than yourself."
Interesting Tidbits |
Defining Egotistic
I received a special request to cover the topic of "Ego" in the newsletter. In order to find a jumping off point, I checked a wide variety of Internet dictionaries. I was surprised to find the distinctions between EGOISM, EGOTISM, and EGOTISTIC. This is what I found...
EGOISM is the habit of valuing everything only in reference to one's personal interest; selfishness, indifferent to the well-being of others.
EGOTISTIC is a person excessively conceited or absorbed in oneself; self-centered.
EGOTISM is excessive and objectionable reference to oneself in conversation or writing; conceit; boastfulness.
So first off, I can say that the person who requested this topic surely would not be considered having EGOTISM. She's a gal, who has found herself in the role of caretaker in her husband's later and declining years. I think she's grappling with feelings of guilt when she puts herself first. She's certainly not conceited or boastful, nor is she full of excessive references to herself.
Let's translate egotistic into the Attitude Reconstruction model. There are four core attitudes associated with the emotion of anger. First, is a tendency to focus outside yourself onto other people, things, and situations. Second, you don't accept these people, things and situations the way they are. Third, you judge the differences between yourself and others negatively, focusing on what you don't like. And fourth, you believe if others could just see things the way you do and agree (you being right and superior), then things would be hunky-dory. Attitude number four is completely self-centered, another word for egotistical.
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Could You Have an Egotistical Attitude?
If you can visualize the following descriptions characterizing someone you know, (or yourself), then they/you deserve the term EGOTISTICAL.
* Act stingily, greedily, possessive. Withhold yourself and your time, money, or information believing accumulation brings safety, security, increased prestige, power, and self-worth.
* Look for what's in it for you, feel like it is "you vs. me."
* Thinking, talking, and giving with strings attached, and/or for selfish motives.
* Do what you want, regardless of how it affects others, "me me me."
* Over-react if people don't agree with you, and distance yourself.
What is the cost of possessing an EGOTISTIC attitude? You will lose feelings of joy and love. When you possess this attitude you create feelings of separation and distance, and make an emotional connection impossible. You lose genuine closeness because you're preoccupied with protecting what you believe and have.
Deep down, underneath your "me, me, me" behavior, you feel insecure, scared, and isolated, without an anchor. You've lost your sense of self as something whole and complete, independent from your actions, possessions, and accomplishments.
When you realize that feeling superior or special is an illusion that covers deeper feelings of unworthiness and insecurity, you've taken your first step to transformation.
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The Rx for an Egotistical Attitude
I see a two pronged attack to combat an egotistical attitude.
One strategy is to give generously and this can take many forms. Practice acts of selfless giving, repeat for weeks or longer so it becomes natural, "Fake it 'til you make it." It's okay to pretend until your old selfishness dwindles away and your heart opens up once again. You can:
* Stop giving unsolicited advice and ignoring the wishes and opinions of others.
* Give material things, like gifts, flowers, money, cards, etc.
* Ask, "How can I help?" and carry through on promises you make
* Volunteer for a constructive cause
* Become a mentor, share your skills, experience, and knowledge with others
* Be affectionate. Genuinely use words of endearment, like honey, sweetie, dear
* Give loving looks, warm smiles, non-demanding hugs
* Give sexually without expecting anything in return
* Be generous with appreciations, praise, and applause
* Appreciate those who feel sad, understand those who feel angry, and reassure those who are fearful (extend the three communication bridges)
* Be welcoming and friendly. Take the initiative and express a heartfelt greeting ("I'm so glad to see you.")
* Listen with an open heart and without thinking about answers or solutions.
* Think loving thoughts throughout the day (see below)
* Speaking honestly about personal matters
* Give thanks, silently and out loud
The second strategy is to surrender the habit of having things "your way." Practice looking at life and making decisions based on what's best for the whole: family, community, and planet. Cooperate, collaborate, and compromise. Teamwork is more cumbersome because you have to integrate divergent perspectives and desires but it's fun and creates a connection with others and life.
Whenever you start to feel pushy, righteous, entitled, or suspect you are being self-centered, you can distinguish if a given action is driven by selfish motives or not, by pausing, consulting your intuition, and obeying whether it feels right in your heart. Sometimes you need to honor what's best for yourself, your spirit, your health, your psyche, and that can feel selfish. Learning to tap into your heart and speak and act from there is the surefire way to monitor who is driving your boat. Remember to ask yourself, does a given action produce genuine feelings of joy, love, and peace?
 Some Helpful Phrases to Repeat Over and Over
It seems like the best way to work on this is to start chewing on phrases that contradict your old thinking. Identify your particular chatter and locate the opposite statement that is true, such as:
Your viewpoints and needs are as important as mine.
There's no such thing as right and wrong.
How can I help?
Just listen to understand.
Helping you is helping me.
Love first.
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The Upside of Giving Up an Egotistical Attitude
* You give without ulterior motives and feel full, no matter how the
gesture is taken
* You feel generous, and that feels good
* You realize sharing, giving, and being kind brings immense rewards,
like the emotion of love
* You feel the oneness and unity that exists
* You feel more intimacy and create an atmosphere encouraging others
to be open and share
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Hey Jude!
Sometimes when I play tennis I get in the flow and almost every shot hits its mark. Then when I'm about to close out a match, I choke and my game deteriorates. Can you help me out?
Whether you're playing a sport, giving a presentation, balancing on a slippery rock, or trying to solve a complex problem, the underlying dynamic is the same. When you are playing tennis well, you're in the present and all your practice is unconsciously guiding your moves. However, if you're not vigilant, your mind, your self-centered ego, jumps in and you catapult into the future or past. It doesn't matter whether you're thinking about all the accolades you'll receive from the win or remembering past times when you've been in this situation and flubbed, the "me me me" thinking overshadows your ability to play naturally and intuitively. This is the time to interrupt your destructive thoughts, shiver out some fear, even momentarily. You need to tell yourself something reassuring, along the lines of "Forget about the future and past. Just do your best. Be here now. You can do it." It's a battle to keep the mind from grabbing the steering wheel when you just need it to go along for the ride.
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If you have any feedback, suggestions about a newsletter theme, or general comments about an egotistical attitude, I enjoy hearing from you, so write me at: [email protected]
I'm wishing you much love.
Cheers,
Jude
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