News from Jude Bijou and Attitude Reconstruction™ Joy, Love, and Peace in 2015 
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July 2015 The Power of Threes
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Jude Bijou MA MFT is a respected psychotherapist, professional educator, and workshop leader. Her multi award- winning book is a practical and spiritual handbook to help you create the life you desire.
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Attitude Reconstruction
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A note from a fan of Attitude Reconstruction: "
Jude,
I've been through a 30 year nightmare.
I thank you for the article about how to balance anger and increase love. It is helping me narrow down my thoughts about needing, and wanting, to let go of my past.
Keith
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"Half a dozen brown -- three large, three jumbo."
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Hello Friends,
Yogi Berra, the great New York Yankee catcher, now better known for his humorous quotes, said a couple of things relevant to the topic of threes: "Pair up in threes" and "I'm going to take a two hour nap from 1 to 4."
The strength and power of three is not new, going way back to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and illustrated by the power of the triangle. And what about there being just three primary colors -- red, blue, and yellow. In addition, Ayurvedic medicine and philosophy from India is based on the play of three elements -- Kapha, Pitta, and Vata. Likewise, Attitude Reconstruction is based on a theory of threes. It proposes that there are three emotions -- sadness, anger, and fear, and three opposing emotions -- joy, love, and peace. There are three focuses of our attention -- inward onto ourselves; outward onto people, things, and situations; and through time. And time is composed of the past, present, and future.  In this newsletter I'm going to elaborate on two more threes. First is what I call "The Three Promises" -- the three concepts we must embrace in order to have a truly successful personal relationship. And second, I'm going to present "The Three Malas" -- the three misunderstandings as laid out in Kashmir Shaivism. These three mistakes, laid out many centuries ago, keep us from being truly free and happy. The three malas shows the universality and timelessness of our minds through the ages. |
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But first... Interesting Tidbits and Cool Videos
In terms of insightful articles I've read, these three seem timely. 1. The World Happiness Report for 2015 has just come out. In a tidy summary, here's an article that lists 6 lessons about how to increase your happiness. These guidelines compliment Attitude Reconstruction's suggestions for happiness quite beautifully. 2. Have you heard about the movie Inside Out? It's from Pixar and the main characters are 5 emotions -- joy, sadness, disgust, anger, and fear. This article describes the lack of consensus about the number and identification of our emotions and asks if the movie got it right. I've got to add my three cents in and make a case about it being obvious that there are 6 = 3 + 3. 3. A new study done with student participants, concluded that an increased amount of daily cell phone use can lead to a decrease in the amount of happiness they feel, poorer grades, and anxiety. Here are two nice, short videos. One is the heartwarming story
of an 8th grader being reunited with his father. It demonstrates the power of love. The other is one of a roller coaster ride taken by Jimmy Fallon and Kevin Hart. Riding a roller coaster is something that freaks Kevin out. He always avoids them, but decides to go a long for the ride!
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But first... Interesting Tidbits and Cool Videos
In terms of insightful articles I've read, these three seem timely. 1. The World Happiness Report for 2015 has just come out. In a tidy summary, here's an article that lists 6 lessons about how to increase your happiness. These guidelines compliment Attitude Reconstruction's suggestions for happiness quite beautifully. 2. Have you heard about the movie Inside Out? It's from Pixar and the main characters are 5 emotions -- joy, sadness, disgust, anger, and fear. This article describes the lack of consensus about the number and identification of our emotions and asks if the movie got it right. I've got to add my three cents in and make a case about it being obvious that there are 6 = 3 + 3. 3. A new study done with student participants, concluded that an increased amount of daily cell phone use can lead to a decrease in the amount of happiness they feel, poorer grades, and anxiety. Here are two nice, short videos. One is the heartwarming story
of an 8th grader being reunited with his father. It demonstrates the power of love. The other is one of a roller coaster ride taken by Jimmy Fallon and Kevin Hart. Riding a roller coaster is something that freaks Kevin out. He always avoids them, but decides to go a long for the ride!
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Save the Dates
This is the last reminder and invitation to join me for 5 days of Attitude Reconstruction and serene relaxation at the
in beautiful Cortes Island, British Columbia, August 9 - 14.
The Hollyhock experience allows one to relax in comfort while experiencing one of the wildest, most pristine nature environments in the world. The grounds feature a large organic garden teaming with food and flowers, a gorgeous sandy beach, ocean view hot tubs open late enough to welcome the stars, a cozy lodge for gathering indoors at the fireside, and well-maintained paths in our 30 acres of surrounding forest. An ideal place to focus on yourself, we'll take care of the rest.
In a non-confrontational setting, address your issues of sadness, anger, and fear and become your best self. Discover and play with how to use your five innate tools--emotions, thoughts, intuition, speech, and action--to replace destructive thinking and behaviors with constructive attitudes that increase joy, love, and peace.
Reasonably priced. Treat yourself to a great summer.
I'd love for you to join me!
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The Three Promises for Successful Relationships
You now are familiar with the Attitude Reconstruction model that proposes we have three pairs of emotions -- sadness and joy, anger and love, and fear and peace. And, you might remember the mental focus of each pair is quite different -- sadness and joy is about ourselves, anger and love is oriented outwardly onto people and things, and fear and peace have to do with time.
What does this concept tell us about how to bring joy, love, and peace into our relationships? Based on observing clients for 30 years and in line with Attitude Reconstruction, I believe that there are basically three promises to make to yourself and your loved ones that are guaranteed to bring deep satisfaction and provide the foundation for using our five tools in any situation. Here they are:
1. (Joy) I'll stay true to myself.
This means we listen within and obey what we hear, including not trashing ourselves, no matter what mistakes we make. This means we talk about ourselves, rather than trash others.
2. (Love) I'll accept you unconditionally.
Accepting the other unconditionally doesn't mean we have to always agree. It means that regardless of the bumps in the road, we stay in touch with our love.
3. (Peace) I'll meet you in the present.
Dancing in the present means we don't drag other unfinished past or future business into the now but handle things by specifically dealing with whatever current obstacle we face.
These three promises are simple but not easy! More details about them will be forthcoming in a future newsletter!
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The Three Malas (misunderstandings)
While in a session recently, I was reminded of the "Three Malas" as they were so clearly reflected in what my client was saying. The three malas are a concept I first learned about when I was introduced to Siddha Yoga many years ago. They summarize the source of our self-imposed misery and are compatible with the conclusions I reached as I was creating Attitude Reconstruction. They are the three universal lapses in our understanding that keep us from living our birthright -- in joy, love, and peace.
According to Kashmir Shaivism, three malas are the core delusions inherent to humans (born of unexpressed emotions, I would add). The malas are so tidy and correlate with the three emotions of sadness, anger, and fear.
The first one, anava mala, is the belief that we are somehow imperfect, incomplete, inadequate and unworthy. This keeps us from knowing our true identity, and is the essence of the four beliefs associated with unexpressed sadness.
Because we don't know the truth about who we are, we feel separate and isolated from others and seek things from the outside to fill our void. This is the second mala, mayiya mala, and the essence of unexpressed anger. We point to other people and things as the source of our problems and lack of satisfaction.
The third delusion is karma mala. We are out for ourselves and strive to control our world and life in an attempt to make things go our way. We go around "doing" rather than "being."
Around and around we go, controlled by these three veils of delusion that stand between ourselves and knowing and living bathed in who we truly are.
So if we want to be happy for as long as we breathe we simply need to embody the thoughts, words, and actions associated with the emotions of joy, love, and peace and the three opposing "unmalas" - the 3 ultimate attitudes of feel worthy, accept other people and situations, and be present and specific. How to do this is straightforwardly laid out on the Attitude Reconstruction Blueprint.
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Hey Jude
How does the concept of threes apply to arguing?
When you're disagreeing with someone, remember Don Henley's (of Eagles fame) line, "There are three sides to every story: yours, and mine, and the cold hard truth." If you want to get to a place of understanding and maintain connection when you both hold different positions, it's essential to stick to the Attitude Reconstruction Four Rules of Communication. Three rules have to do with talking: talk about yourself, stick to one topic at a time, and be positive. The fourth rule is to listen well. That means listen in order to understand the other person, not listen to refute what they say.
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If you have any feedback, suggestions about a newsletter theme, or general comments, I enjoy hearing from you, so write me at: [email protected]
I'm wishing you and yours plenty of threes, especially joy, love, and peace.
Cheers,
Jude
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