News from Jude Bijou and Attitude Reconstruction™ Joy, Love, and Peace in 2015 
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photo by Shaun HeffernanThe crow is talking. Is the moon listening?
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++++++++++++++++++ Visit the website and take the free survey to identify what's standing between you and more joy, love, and peace.
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Jude Bijou MA MFT is a respected psychotherapist, professional educator, and workshop leader. Her multi award- winning book is a practical and spiritual handbook to help you create the life you desire.
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Attitude Reconstruction
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Letters from fans of Attitude Reconstruction:
Hi Jude,
I haven't finished the book, but that's only because I keep going back and re-reading information I'm trying to learn. Fantastic book. If anyone wants to learn how to improve themselves in all areas of social skills, this is the book. Easy reading, with great examples that anyone can relate to. If you have a heart, mind and a body and want to know yourself better, Attitude Reconstruction is the way.
Dear Jude,
I cannot EVEN tell you how much your class has helped! It DOES take a bit to do it, especially when my inner child just wants to "act out" ... but that's the entire reason I've not had great communication with the folks that I've needed to use and apply your principles with the most. "Toro!"
(fyi -- "Toro" is the word used when we matadors bring out our capes and step aside so we don't get gored by other people's finger pointing, overgeneralizing, and negativity.)
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Hello Friends,
I trust things are picking up now that the long winter has run its course.
At some point in the lifetime of this newsletter, I have covered all of our Five Tools -- emotions, thoughts, intuition, communication, and action.... This month the subject has to do with one important aspect of communication. "Trading time," also called "talking-and-listening" is an easy and fast way to connect verbally. It's great to use when you feel like you're ships passing in the night or when one person has a tendency to dominate the conversation.
Trading time dove-tails right to next month's topic, the five tools, where I'll explain and lay out an overview of the simple and unifying principles of Attitude Reconstruction.
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But first, I was recently sent this amazing dogdance freestyle video, starring Lizzy and Sandra. Guaranteed to brighten your day.
And for your enjoyment, here's a short, humorous video, about "active listening" with Ray Romano. It's so spot on, I never get tired of it.
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"This requires both ears."
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SAVE THE DATES
Come join me for 5 days of Attitude Reconstruction at the HollyhockLearningCenter
in beautiful Cortes Island, British Columbia, August 9 - 14, 2015.
The Hollyhock experience allows one to relax in comfort while experiencing one of the wildest, most pristine nature environments in the world. The grounds feature a large organic garden teaming with food and flowers, a gorgeous sandy beach, ocean view hot tubs open late enough to welcome the stars, a cozy lodge for gathering indoors at the fireside, and well-maintained paths in our 30 acres of surrounding forest. An ideal place to focus on yourself, we'll take care of the rest.
In a non-confrontational setting, address your issues of sadness, anger, and fear and become your best self. Discover and play with how to use your five innate tools--emotions, thoughts, intuition, speech, and action--to replace destructive thinking and behaviors with constructive attitudes that increase joy, love, and peace.
Reasonably priced. Treat yourself to a great summer.
I'd love for you to join me!
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"I only overshare because you never listen."
Trading Time, aka, Talking-and-Listening
Some of us talk too much, while others rarely say a word. Fix this imbalance by using your talking and listening skills to "trade time." The situation could involve a family around the dinner table, a gathering of friends, or a meeting of coworkers; trading time gives each person the opportunity to both give and receive undivided attention.
When a couple has gotten into the habit of not talking, for example, this framework allows each partner to say what he/she has to say, while the other simply listens. The simple opportunity to express your "I" without interruption helps you come into your personal power, be in the present, and increase your empathy for someone else's position. You enjoy connection, understanding, and a venue for satisfying sharing.
Everybody gets the same amount of uninterrupted time to talk about themselves on a specific topic, which could be as mundane as how their day went, or as significant as views on what to do about an unplanned pregnancy. It's not a dialogue. While one person is speaking, everyone else gives full attention and only listens. Exchanges are free of name-calling, finger-pointing, debating, or rebuttals.
When the next person speaks, he doesn't respond to what the preceding person said. Rather, he says what is true for him about the topic at hand. Use a kitchen timer to impartially keep track of time. If it goes off mid-sentence, allow the person talking to finish his immediate thought before the next person begins taking her time. In a group setting, participants can pass a "talking piece," such as a stick, so it's undeniably clear who has the floor.
Take two minutes for brief check-ins. Expressing important personal viewpoints might require a bit more time, perhaps three to five minutes. Try to avoid repeated lengthy monologues. Agree on the duration and stay flexible within those parameters. Although the time allotted might be short, those few minutes may be the longest interval of undivided attention and uninterrupted talking you've ever experienced. And don't underestimate the difficulty of just listening.
"I'm sorry, dear. I wasn't listening. Could you repeat
what you've said since we've been married?"
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How to Talk
Basically, it's as simple as following the first three of the four rules of communication. (The fourth rule is listening.)
Rule #1 Talk about yourself.
This is our true domain. Share what we feel, think, want, and need. This brings closeness, as we reveal information about ourselves.
Rule #2 Stay specific. One topic at a time. That's what we do with everything from music to architecture to computers; and what we must do when communicating. When we stay concrete, others can understand what we're saying - the topic, the request, the reasons.
Rule #3 Kindness in your choice of words and tone. Looking for the good fosters love. It can take the form of offering praise, appreciations, focusing on the positive, and sharing gratitude.
How to Listen
The following are NOT good listening strategies:
- Interrupting
- Leaping into problem solving
- Offering unsolicited advice or opinions
- Finishing others' sentences
- Changing the topic
- Matching stories
- Debating or challenging
- Cornering or interrogating
- Multi-tasking
The best way to show you're listening is to close your mouth, shut out background noise, and give the other person undivided attention. Full attention when someone else is speaking also means you're not already gearing up for an opportunity to counter with your own opinions. You may think you're demonstrating empathy when you interrupt another person's story to chime in about your own experience. But you may be surprised to find the other person doesn't really care about a "bigger fish" story; they just wore their heart on their sleeve and you're trying to one up them! Communication has turned into competition.
If you tend to interrupt or dominate every conversation, slap some imaginary duct tape on your mouth when someone else is speaking. Hogging the airtime or not paying attention to another person who's speaking will produce anger in others. When you don't listen to someone, you're failing to acknowledge that person as an equal. And that's never going to inspire good feelings. The other person perceives it as a violation and responds accordingly. Listening well, on the other hand, promotes love. It's a form of selfless giving and an invitation to connect.
Just because you understand a person's position doesn't automatically mean you agree with it. For love to flourish, you must fully accept that the other people's viewpoints and needs are as valid as yours. This seems to be challenging for many who have developed strong opinions about everything from politics to mothering techniques. Earnestly listening to people makes them feel comfortable and safe.
Here are some listening suggestions
1. Smile and nod a lot. These nonverbal gestures express an open and compassionate stance of listening.
2. Support yourself mentally when listening and silently repeat such phrases as: Your viewpoints and needs are as valid as mine. Or when they're talking about you rather than themselves, think: They are "you-ing" me, and what they're saying says nothing about me.
3. If a topic fills you with big doses of sadness, anger, or fear, ask for and take a short time-out to deal with your emotions. Then return to listening.
"I forgot--are you not speaking to me or just not listening to me?"
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Hey Jude:
Can you give me some tips to encourage my partner to talk more?
The following tips are not so much for talking-and-listening, but ways to invite others to speak up. (I'm sorry for the weird numbering. It should be- 3, 4, 5.)
1. Encourage people to chat by saying things like, "Tell me more" and "I want to understand where you're coming from."
2. Ask questions sparingly to draw others out and further their thinking. Then listen some more.
- Is there anything you need to say or do about that?
- Request a summary to make sure you understand the other person's point. "Could you tell me again what you want me to know?"
- Show understanding by stating what you infer or observe. Listen further.
- I see you're sad about what happened.
- I bet you feel awful about that.
- I'd guess that must have been annoying.
- You're doing so well in this difficult situation.
- Paraphrase what you've heard and ask for verification and clarification. Try to isolate the event and the emotions the speaker feels. "You're saying that when I spoke to you in that tone of voice yesterday, you felt angry, but you were caught too off guard to say anything."
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If you have any feedback, suggestions about a newsletter theme, or general comments, I enjoy hearing from you, so write me at: [email protected]
I'm wishing you and yours plenty of talking, listening, understanding, and connection.
Cheers,
Jude
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