So when he says: "What a good boy I am, Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Being Our Own Worst Enemy 

      Being self-critical is epidemic in our society. It's almost a national pastime to beat ourselves up over real and imagined imperfections. We became unwitting devotees watching our parents and teachers direct their anger towards us with their negative judgments and demeaning labels instead of dealing with their emotions in appropriate ways. Being receptive little students, we pledged allegiance to those unkind messages and call ourselves stupid, unlovable, or unworthy. Today we know the words by heart and speak them inside without even thinking.

      We rarely feel satisfied with ourselves, trying to measure up against an invisible standard or believing if we had or did something else - got married, earned more money, looked more beautiful, had more time - we'd finally be happy and feel worthy.

      As we know, none of these strategies work. Our mistake: we are identified with our actions rather than our essence. To stop being self-critical and show yourself more love, you must learn that you are whole, complete, and worthy, no matter what. You must realize your self-esteem exists from the first day of your life until the day you die and doesn't change.

      According to Attitude Reconstruction the root of an issue - such as never feeling "enough" - is to express the underlying sadness, ongoing anger, and incapacitating fear and rewire your crummy thinking.

       To change deeply rooted destructive thoughts, you first must determine what contradicts your old messages. Pick just a couple and write them down.

• I'm doing the best I can.
• I love myself unconditionally.
• I'm not perfect, but I'm good enough.
• There is nothing wrong with me.
• I am whole and complete.

 
      Relentlessly repeat your new thoughts, especially when you're judging yourself poorly or when you're crying and feeling down. Interrupt the "yes, buts" and other discounting thoughts that surface and continue to repeat your new truths.

      Another way to raise your self-esteem is to shower yourself with kindness in the form of self-appreciations. Name a specific positive trait, talent, or quality and look at yourself from this new perspective. Try writing one, two or three self-appreciations each day, and at the end of a week, read list out loud with enthusiasm, conviction, and a smile. You are steadily building your self esteem again.

      See how wonderful you feel when you relentlessly focus on your good and fill your black hole of unworthiness yourself. Emphasizing your positive qualities and contradicting that internal critic will give you an unshakable positive view of yourself no matter what.

 A Couple of Interesting Articles 

Bullying badly affects children in later stage of their life. 

In a large study of 7771 children who were exposed to bullying at the age of seven and eleven, were then followed up until age 50 in England, Scotland, and Wales. The study found that participants who were bullied were at an increased risk of depression, anxiety disorders, and suicidal thoughts. As well they were more likely to have poorer physical and psychological health, and cognitive functioning.   Read the full article. 

This study says that men tend to imagine explosive, aggressive, and sexual scenarios, while women dream of familiar indoor scenes, emotions, and appearance. One study found that women's dreams were more detailed, but they were more likely to have nightmares.The researchers concluded the differences were due to environmental factors and messages each gender receives, though higher levels of testosterone in men were thought to produce a tendency towards thoughts of aggression and sex.  Read the full article.    

Hi Jude,

For months and months I have had this procrastination thing going on. I saw along time ago that you wrote helpful tips about procrastination. And I have tried other methods but none of them seemed to work. It might work for a day or two but after that I just keep on procrastinating. I am a 13 year old boy in 7th grade. I am not the kind of person that cannot pay attention. During school I pay attention quite well and do work when time is given I can do it. I used to do it in a homework club and I did my homework well. But as soon as I arrive home. I procrastinate and do other things. I try to tell myself "Come on I need to do this NOW!" but then 5 minutes later I am watching a video on Youtube. Several of websites have told me just to block any distractions such as phones and computers. The problem is that I NEED the computer to do homework. I do not start until 9 or 8 or the earliest 7. Before I did my homework immediately but now I just cannot do it. I am a good student but I think I can be better If I did not have any procrastination inside of me. It has becoming worst and worst and I need help now.

Jude says,

For one thing, 95% of folks procrastinate, so welcome to the world. You are not alone.

Six suggestions:

1. Break your homework down into small doable units so you're not overwhelmed. Make a list of what you need to do in the way of homework before you leave school. Then just take one small task at a time and focus on that. When you are done, congratulate yourself, then take a break (don't fire up your video or if you do, just limit yourself to watching one.) Then attack your next little project, and reward yourself with something little - like play with your pet for a couple of minutes. Next, address your next little project, and reward yourself, and so on.

2. Maybe do your homework in the same room where your family is, but in a quiet corner. Most all of us do better when we have support and human contact, rather than feeling isolated.

3. Shiver and shake, quiver and tremble for 90 seconds, fast, hard, and with abandon, before you sit down to study. Ham it up. This will dissipate the emotion of fear which is behind your procrastination. Ham it up, make noises, laugh while you wiggle and shiver, all up your spine, out your arms and legs, like a dog at the vet.

4. Repeat the following, 11 times, twice a day, "I'm doing this to get the most out of what I can learn."

5. Praise yourself for each little victory. Don't focus on the distractions but on your accomplishments. And remember the ultimate reward. Your satisfaction of overcoming procrastination and completing your assignments.

6. Find a buddy who also procrastinates and wants to get over it, and check in regularly by text or phone, like daily for just a couple of minutes, going over how you did the previous day and setting specific reasonable intentions for the evening. Be sure to describe your victories - don't dwell on how easy it is to put things off. (Details about how to do this are in my book, Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life.)  

Good luck and let me know if these suggestions help.