Frequently Asked Communication Questions
Sometimes it feels good to put people in their place with a righteous jab. They deserve it.
Satisfaction from "you-ing" (telling others about themselves) lasts a few seconds as angry comments dart from your mouth and wound your intended victim. But that temporary pleasure of inflicting damage is short-lived, and quickly turns hollow as you carve deep grooves of hurt, anger, fear, and separation. People don't recover very easily. Taking your anger out on telephone books leaves no bitter aftertaste.
I give my sister great advice, but she rarely takes it. It's so frustrating-I'm just trying to help.
Your well-meaning, unsolicited advice is still "you-ing." If your sister isn't ready for or doesn't want feedback, it's counterproductive to offer it. Don't share your insights unless you ask and receive permission first. If your sister declines, let your pearls of wisdom go and accept that she is responsible for her own happiness. Refocus on being happy yourself and take time to appreciate what you like about her. Power on truths such as "My focus is myself," "We're all on our own paths," and "I wish you well."
I sometimes tell little white lies.
People lie when they don't feel safe telling the truth. Sometimes lying is more convenient, helping things go our way or making us come across as more appealing. It also saves an emotional reaction that we don't want to deal with. However, expect those lies and half-truths to come back and bite you. The task of being honest requires courage. If you stick to "I"s and specifics, you only have to endure the moment of delivery and resolve not to take other peoples' reactions personally. For most of us, it's easier to handle the brief shock of honesty than the extended suffering of a half-truth.
I enjoy teasing, sarcasm, and kidding. It's my humor. Are you suggesting that I give it up?
You're asking for trouble with this kind of communication style. You are "you-ing" other people, and your fun is at their expense. What you call humor has an angry edge and hurts other people, causing them to become cautious around you. Stick to the "I's and specifics, and I promise that you and others will feel more comfortable. If you continue with your present style, expect major resistance or lukewarm reception.
When my husband and I were talking about which bills we need to pay this week, I couldn't help but bring up all his recent extravagances. I knew I shouldn't, but I did.
The new golf clubs or the restaurant receipts for lunch -- all of the unfinished business that comes flooding into your mind -- should be noted, but addressed at a different time. Right now, stick to the topic of bills that need to be paid this week and how much money is in the account right now. Just stay with that task and celebrate your team effort. If you lump more than one issue together, your communication will inevitably get out of hand, and little will get resolved.
My partner and I often have our ugliest, least productive arguments late at night.
The four rules are essential, all the time, but especially when it's late and you're tired, in a hurry, or preoccupied. Emotionally laden conversations are demanding, so you need the best conditions to handle them successfully. When you don't feel you're making headway, lovingly but firmly stop the conversation. Together, set a specific time to resume talking when you'll both be fresh, or agree on exactly how much longer you'll talk before giving it a rest. Don't succumb to pressure to continue past your personal limit.
How can my partner and I help each other improve our communication with these new rules?
For starters, give each other plenty of praise for following the rules. Change takes effort, and no one can ever be genuinely acknowledged too much. Since you're both learning something new, expect some transgressions. Lovingly help each other to locate the specifics, and to stick with your "I"s. Agree on a loving signal that indicates a rule is being broken. Point out your own lapses by kindly saying, "Oops. Sorry. I need to rephrase what I just said." To avoid unnecessary fallout, you can use a nonverbal signal and agree to do something like throw a Kleenex on the floor or give the time-out sign as a penalty flag. These non-inflammatory signs give you and your husband a playful opening to try again.
What is the key to having good communication in a relationship?
Focus on your half, abide by the four rules, extend the three communication bridges, and seek win-win solutions to resolve differences.
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