Greetings Friends!

       This month's newsletter is about communication -- the key to rewarding relationships. It's easy to slip into less than stellar habits, especially when emotions are part of the equation.  It's also easy to make significant changes that will profoundly change your life.
 

        I've included a lot of frequently asked questions about communication, an article about how to resolve differences, and information on the three bridges, which will help you out in emotional moments. I'm sure you'll find a few helpful tidbit.

 

         Did you know that the population of the United States has more than doubled since 1950? It's no wonder we're having growing pains. This is a really good reason we each need to take some personal responsibility and communicate better.

 

2012   population:  313,914,040         1950  population 152,271,417

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        Just to remind you to laugh as you try to acquire some new communication skills, I've included two short hilarious videos of "Everyone Loves Raymond" Ray learning and practicing active listening.  

 

 
                       in class                                        with daughter

Barriers to Effective Communication

 

Did your parents have good communication skills? When I ask people this question, very few say yes. And this is the reason why we don't communicate very well - we were never taught how.

It seems like it should be so easy. We all want to share ourselves with others. But often our best intentions take a turn for the worse whenever emotions enter the picture. We say one thing and end up communicating another. Differences get magnified. Words get twisted. Good intentions are misinterpreted. Talking escalates into arguing and suddenly we want to attack or flee. This can all result in low self-esteem and confidence.

 

According to Attitude Reconstruction we either strike out and "bash and trash" or don't speak up. No matter our strategy and how we've learned to cope, the result of poor communication is a loss of connection, understanding, and openness.

 

The goal of good communication is connecting and feeling more love, so if we keep that in mind, we'll be inspired to learn to speak and listen well. Luckily it's not that hard. It just takes practice as we learn how to stop making the four communication violations and instead follow four simple rules.

 

The Four Rules of Good Communication are so powerful. They work in the bedroom or boardroom, with children and neighbors, with co-workers and strangers. One rule is to listen well. The other three rules instruct us how to speak up so others can hear.

 

            The Four Rules        

1.   Speak about yourself, not others. ("I" not "you") 

2.     Stay specific, don't overgeneralize.

3.     Be kind, not negative.

4.     Listen.

 

Here's the wonderful part: each time we stop ourselves from our old ways and abide by the four rules we feel more powerful, confident, and true to ourselves. Others will understand us better and we can also understand them. All it takes is a little practice, practice, practice and everyone can learn to have consistently effective communication skills.  

Read a bit more about the 4 rules  

 

The 3 Bridges: Communicating with People in the Grip of Emotions  

You can use your senses to determine if someone is swept up in sadness, anger, or fear and then know how to best help out. With just a little practice, you'll recognize the emotions underneath other people's destructive demeanor, words, and actions. Rather than reacting to what they say or do, extend a communication "bridge" to help shift their emotional state. You can give them what they truly long to hear but don't know how to ask for.

                 The Three Communication Bridges  

Where is their attention? That's the most important question to ask yourself.

People feeling sadness but not crying are most likely thinking poorly of themselves. They need appreciations. In your interactions with them, convey the idea, "I love you. You're great." Remind them of their strengths and contributions.

People feeling angry and spewing finger-pointing "you"s all over the place really just feel isolated and are in desperate need of understanding - not debates, lectures, or reprimands. The chance they'll hear what you have to say are slim if you don't first genuinely connect with their position. You don't have to agree. You just have to understand what is true for them. Hear them out without taking in what they say personally. Most likely under the anger they feel sadness or fear.

Folks feeling overwhelmed and agitated are in the grip of fear. They need honest reassurances. Com­fort, soothe, and repeatedly remind them that everything is and will be all right. Other reassuring comments are "I'm here," "We'll make our way through this together," "I'm not leaving," or "I'll take care of it." Or offer reassurances by reminding them of the objective reality: "Your boss really likes the work you do," or "You've done this successfully before."

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Hey Jude,