News from Jude Bijou and Attitude Reconstruction™ Experience More Joy, Love, and Peace in 2013! 
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Seeing downtown Chicago thru the Bean at Millennium Park |
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New blog posted every Tuesday and Friday!
Attitude Reconstruction
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 About Jude Bijou MFT The daughter of pioneering behavioral child psychologist Sidney W. Bijou, Jude Bijou earned a BA from Reed College and an MA in psychology from Carleton University. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Santa Barbara CA, a teacher of communication through Santa Barbara City College Adult Education, and a longtime student of Indian Vedic philosophy. Her theory of Attitude Reconstruction™ evolved from years of working with clients to help them lead more happy, fulfilled lives. Her first book, Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life, has won numerous awards and is receiving rave reviews. Her new ebook is 33 Bad Attitudes and What You Can Do With Them
Positive Feedback from AR Newsletter Readers...
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"Thank you for sending [the newsletter]! I am on the road so much (and usually yelling at traffic) so your tidbit on road rage was quite relevant. [My suggestion was to keep repeating "Drivers are the way they are, not the way I want them to be."] I'm going to incorporate that right away as I'm driving up to PASO today and there could be traffic!"
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I love this piece of wisdom:
No man ever got shot while doing the dishes.
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Greetings friends,
The end of July on a whim, I decided to go to Chicago and attend the annual BlogHer Conference. It was amazing to be in the company of 3000 or so bloggers, from newbies to seasoned professionals who are building careers out of writing online. Besides meeting tons of people and learning a few tricks of the trade, I heard inspirational talks from Ree Drummond(The Pioneer Woman), Sheryl Sandberg (author of Lean In and COO of Facebook), and a dozen winners of this year's most compelling blogs hosted by none other than the smart, genuine, beautiful and funny Queen Latifah.
If you think electronic communication is going to peak soon, this graph from Qmee shows you what's happening online every minute. Staggering isn't it?
This trip also gave me an opportunity to spend a day of gawking at the incredible downtown architecture via a boat tour up the Chicago River, walking down the Miracle Mile of Michigan Avenue, eating my first delicious deep dish Pizza, seeing the Bean at Millennium Park (photo at top of newsletter), and taking in a quick trip to the Art Institute of Chicago which was hosting a traveling show of Impressionism and fashion. While I was there, I also saw classics such as American Gothic (the farmer couple seemed like old familiar friends), some Monets, van Gogh's The Bedroom, and classic timeless sculptures of Asian Buddhas and Indian Gods.  
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Being Told You Have an Attitude
I had lunch at the Art Institute's divine Terzo Piano caf� with a gal who also knew that this was one of the best places to eat in Chicago. During our conversation I mentioned Attitude Reconstruction. She responded by saying while growing up, whenever her mother was mad, she told her she had "an attitude." And she could never figure out what her mom meant.
After listening for a few minutes I asked her if I could give her my take on why. With permission granted, I explained that her mother was feeling angry (she readily nodded in agreement) and instead of owning it as her own emotion, she targeted her innocent daughter. I told her that is what humans do because they weren't taught better.
When angry, many people strike out verbally and inflict injury on innocent bystanders, or lash out physically by hitting and punishing rather than taking responsibility for what they are feeling. The shame is this: no one explained that those unkind words had nothing to do with her - she was fine. Her job was not to take her mother's cruel words personally. While being barraged she needed to remember and repeat "She's feeling anger. I'm a good person."
Needless to say she felt relieved to finally get an explanation that made sense. And I felt glad to be the bearer of such good news.
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I've Heard that Story Before
We all enjoy a good story. But we all know people who recite poor-me stories virtually all the time. I'm talking about those who just have to tell you all the terrible injustices they've experienced and how out of line other people are. In my opinion they are not too fun to be around.
It sounds trite but nonstop regurgitating what isn't working or what didn't work creates more of that kind of energy. You know the expression: "Garbage in, garbage out"? Here's my variation: "Garbage out, garbage odor all around."
Bad things happen. There is no doubt and we pay the price. Telling our story over and over is not constructive if we just tell our same old tale. This strategy only reinforces that we are victims and that other people are seriously defected.
If we opt not to talk about what happened at all, then those buried emotions cause us to compensate in ways that don't nourish our emotions of joy, love, and peace.
The best thing to do is to talk with someone safe about upsetting events while expressing the anger, fear, and/or sadness physically and constructively - that is, while shivering, pounding or stomping, or crying.
Then the grip of what happened loosens and you'll be free to truly move on, let the event go, and enjoy the now.
Read an article about how to take charge of your anger.
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My boss needs an attitude reconstruction. He walks around telling busy people to do little things that he could be doing. He changes plans causing additional time and upsetting customers instead of letting employees do the jobs they're paid for. He claims he's not there to make friends and hides in his office not seeing things or negating to discipline employees when needed. He relies on the employees to tell on each other but most will not. He has a history of brushing things off when problems are brought to the table. AHHHH HELP! Sincerely frustrated, Roy First you have to decide how important keeping your job is. If you need this job, I think you are better off figuring out how you can accept what is and learn how to not get so frustrated. You will need to repeat over and over until you really get it... "My boss is the way he is, not the way I want him to be." Then you can use his abrasive ways to practice staying centered, loving, and good at attending to your job description, rather than getting caught in his awful style. If you know in your heart you need to speak up and are willing to take a stand and risk getting terminated or paying consequences in terms of promotions, etc., then go ahead and figure out in advance what you need to say. Before offering unsolicited feedback, you must ask and receive permission or else there will be little reception and you won't attain the desired result. read the rest of the answer
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Giving Appreciations Up Your Love Quotient
 This event, viewable from the Tuesday Farmers' Market in Santa Barbara, had a lot of people looking skyward and smiling. The opposite of anger is the emotion of love. So instead of blaming, criticizing, judging, and belittling, which are born of unexpressed anger, you can cultivate love by choosing to think and voice appreciations and look for the positive in any situation. The trite but magic result of voicing the positive is that it feels uplifting for both the recipient and you. If you attend to what's working and focus on finding solutions that are inclusive, you feel good. It's really that simple. What you pay attention to grows. Remember the choice is yours. For instance, if you are in standstill freeway traffic and see an accident in the distance, you can think "What kind of jerk caused an accident during rush hour?" and send out your bad vibes about your inconvenience. Or you can think "I hope everyone is all right" and send accident your best wishes. Which will be better for you, them, and the situation? Rather than believing the world should conform to your view and wants, focus on counting your blessings, enjoying the beautiful day, or marveling at what wonderful people you have in your life. If you do, you'll feel more loving and lighthearted. In the process you'll suspend unrealistic expectations of others, which sets the stage for better communication and more meaningful conversations and connections. Appreciations can be something little like letting someone go ahead of you in the grocery line or bigger, receiving a fun email, hearing someone on the radio say something relevant, seeing a gorgeous sunset, or finding that getting your car repaired will cost two hundred dollars rather two thousand. I suggest you write down three things you appreciate every day. They can be positive interactions, observations, or events. At the end of the week, read your list and bathe in the consequences.
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I hope you enjoyed this newsletter and found it helpful. Your feedback is most welcome.
I'm wishing you much joy, love, and peace.
Cheers, Jude
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