Spring is here, and the season is ripe for new beginnings. In my yard, that means the abundant flowering of two overflowing avocado trees, one mandarin tree, and one tenacious mango tree. We've installed giant wind shields to protect millions of their delicate flowers from getting blown to the ground. April in Santa Barbara is the season for wind from all four directions. So needless to say, at my house these tents are in place for good reason.

And the trees aren't the only ones experiencing renewal. The orioles have returned from their Mexican winter hangouts, ready to devour massive quantities of grape jelly, their favorite food I've served up with pleasure for years now. After an invasion of bees last year that drove the orioles away prematurely and my tiring of filling two jelly feeders twice a day to accommodate all the offspring, (plus feeding all the finches who've now added jelly to their diet of sunflower seeds and millet), I stoutly resolved to pass on the feeding ritual this year.  

However, right on schedule almost to the day, I heard the distinctive call of the striking yellow and black feathered males and just couldn't disappoint.

So here I am with a birdie commitment from now until the end of August. They are just too beautiful to resist!

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Give Up Your Expectations to Feel More Love

     Tom realized that he needed to change how he was thinking and to somehow find a way to give up something he felt was very important - his expectation of having an athletic son.

     What did he have to do to have a good relationship with his son? Enter Attitude Reconstruction. He read the chapter in the book about how to change thoughts.

Over and over, many times a day he told himself "Jimmy is the way he is, not the way I want him to be. I love him. He's not me. Let Jimmy be Jimmy."  

     By interrupting his old thinking and repeating these phrases over and over many times a day, he had a shift. Tom got that he needed to accept Jimmy for who he is and find some activities they could enjoy together.

     Tom then had a great idea. He decided to ask Jimmy to teach him how to text. Working together on texting led to a lot of laughter. After a while and much to Tom's surprise, Jimmy suggested they walk to the pier and watch people fishing. They got out of the house.

     Whenever Tom's frustration resurfaced, he just repeated, "Jimmy is the way he is, not the way I want him to be." And almost like magic, giving up his expectation allowed Tom to create a warmer, safer atmosphere with his son and for entire family.

          How can I help my husband to deal with the recent loss of his older brother? He keeps everything inside and claims all is okay.

            Here are three suggestions to help someone move through a loss, according to Attitude Reconstruction:

            1. You need to listen and repeatedly, lovingly encourage them to talk about what they miss and what they appreciated most about the person. Even if they say "no thanks" keep softly offering. In order to heal, they need to talk.

            Your job is just to provide a safe place -- not give your "wisdom" or personal experiences. As the silent witness, respectfully keep extending your invitation. It often takes repeated respectful invitations. Be sure to genuinely listen and thank them for sharing.

            2. Freedom comes from facing their loss and allowing themselves to feel their emotions - sadness, anger, and fear. At a neutral time, talk with them about this fact: emotions are just pure energy in the body.

            Crying is healing because it's the body's natural reaction to hurts and losses.They can cry alone, with you, in therapy, or with a friend. Encourage them to say the "dreaded" G word -- good-bye -- to fully acknowledge the ending. This can be incredibly hard and usually brings up more sadness, but they must say "I miss you. I love you. Good-bye."

            If they feel more anxious that awful things will happen in the future, show them how to shake and shiver fear out of their bodies while saying, "Something greater than me is in charge. This is not in my control. Be here now."

            Anger can also be lurking because of how unfair this tragedy seems. Encourage them to find a constructive way to pound, push, shout, or stomp out the anger energy - hard, fast, and with abandon -- where no one or nothing of value is destroyed. While moving the anger energy, they need to remind themselves that, "They are gone. That's the way it is."

            3. Whenever you feel they are sinking, spacing, and just going through the motions of living, encourage them to talk about the person some more and maybe take a few minutes to cry and say good-bye again.

            It takes time to heal when we lose something or someone dear. By talking and emoting, they'll find their energy gradually return.    

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