New Year's News from Jude Bijou and Attitude Reconstruction™


Experience More Joy, Love, and Peace in 2013!

Attitiude Reconstruction  


April 2013
In This Issue
Upcoming Communication Class
Get Rid of Expectations
Hey Jude!
Rewire Your Thinking Now
Jude Bijou
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About Jude Bijou MFT


The daughter of pioneering behavioral child psychologist Sidney W. Bijou, Jude Bijou earned a BA from Reed College and an MA in psychology from Carleton University. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Santa Barbara CA, a teacher of communication through Santa Barbara City College Adult Education, and a longtime student of Indian Vedic philosophy. Her theory of Attitude Reconstruction™ evolved from years of working with clients to help them lead more happy, fulfilled lives. Her first book, Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life, has won numerous awards and is receiving rave reviews. Her new ebook is 33 Bad Attitudes and What You Can Do With Them

A few kind words from a happy "customer"

"Thank you for your guidance through this time in our lives. Before we began our sessions with you, I had sleepless nights and stressful days trying to compose long answers to a ceaseless barrage of emails, texts, and calls. With your good counsel, my wife and I have regained our equilibrium and peace. In the long run I believe your strategy will be the best way for everyone to move toward health and strength."   

Jerry T. 

Win, Win , Win !!! 
Laminated AR BlueprintBlueprint
Click on the link below to enter to win one of ten free 12 x 18 inch full-color official blueprints. A Blueprint is perfect as a placemat for the breakfast table, a wall hanging, or mounted anywhere for quick reference that provides instant illumination and suggestions for change.
Deadline is 900pm pacific on April 25, 2013.
Winners will be randomly selected from entries at that time.

I Want to Enter
Greetings Friends!


Spring is here, and the season is ripe for new beginnings. In my yard, that means the abundant flowering of two overflowing avocado trees, one mandarin tree, and one tenacious mango tree. We've installed giant wind shields to protect millions of their delicate flowers from getting blown to the ground. April in Santa Barbara is the season for wind from all four directions. So needless to say, at my house these tents are in place for good reason.


And the trees aren't the only ones experiencing renewal. The orioles have returned from their Mexican winter hangouts, ready to devour massive quantities of grape jelly, their favorite food I've served up with pleasure for years now. After an invasion of bees last year that drove the orioles away prematurely and my tiring of filling two jelly feeders twice a day to accommodate all the offspring, (plus feeding all the finches who've now added jelly to their diet of sunflower seeds and millet), I stoutly resolved to pass on the feeding ritual this year.  


However, right on schedule almost to the day, I heard the distinctive call of the striking yellow and black feathered males and just couldn't disappoint.


So here I am with a birdie commitment from now until the end of August. They are just too beautiful to resist!




Speaking of new beginnings, I did a four-day healing qigong workshop and found it very appealing and beneficial. Master Li Junfeng embodies what he teaches. His words and movements are never wasted. I couldn't always understand what he was saying, but just watching Teacher Li move and listening to his simple, purposeful and graceful instructions, unstuck some locked up places within me and increased my awareness of where my body is in space at any given moment. So I'm giving qigong my best shot and have resolved to do a bit of practice every day.


If spring tempts you to do spring-cleaning and repairs, remember to set and take small steps towards your goals. If your projects are too lofty it's going to be easy to put them off. Did I mention how rampant procrastinating is? The Attitude Reconstruction solution is -- keep your goal in mind, shiver when the fear creeps in, and deal with one thing at a time.  


Regardless of what you do to usher in the end of winter and the beginning of warmer weather, do it with "smiling" as Master Li says.


How to Communicate Simply, Lovingly, and Effectively
Saturday May 4, 2013 930 - 4:30pm

Santa Barbara Adult Ed Schott Center
310 West Padre, Room 28
Cost: $23.00
6 CEU credits are available for an extra 24.00

Register Here  



Give Up Your Expectations to Feel More Love


     Tom is a middle-aged athletic man living here in Santa Barbara with a 9-year old son, Jimmy. Tom was really frustrated because Jimmy would rather be on his computer than play sports. Every weekend was a battle to get Jimmy out of the house.

     Tom realized that he needed to change how he was thinking and to somehow find a way to give up something he felt was very important - his expectation of having an athletic son.

     What did he have to do to have a good relationship with his son? Enter Attitude Reconstruction. He read the chapter in the book about how to change thoughts.

Over and over, many times a day he told himself "Jimmy is the way he is, not the way I want him to be. I love him. He's not me. Let Jimmy be Jimmy."  

     By interrupting his old thinking and repeating these phrases over and over many times a day, he had a shift. Tom got that he needed to accept Jimmy for who he is and find some activities they could enjoy together.

     Tom then had a great idea. He decided to ask Jimmy to teach him how to text. Working together on texting led to a lot of laughter. After a while and much to Tom's surprise, Jimmy suggested they walk to the pier and watch people fishing. They got out of the house.

     Whenever Tom's frustration resurfaced, he just repeated, "Jimmy is the way he is, not the way I want him to be." And almost like magic, giving up his expectation allowed Tom to create a warmer, safer atmosphere with his son and for entire family.



          How can I help my husband to deal with the recent loss of his older brother? He keeps everything inside and claims all is okay.


            Loss of a loved one can be a triple whammy. There's the excruciating void from the loss itself, but our ability to feel open, safe, and vulnerable also vanishes. We feel forever shattered, and the world seems cruel. We lose interest in everything or the opposite, carry on as if nothing significant happened.


            Here are three suggestions to help someone move through a loss, according to Attitude Reconstruction:

            1. You need to listen and repeatedly, lovingly encourage them to talk about what they miss and what they appreciated most about the person. Even if they say "no thanks" keep softly offering. In order to heal, they need to talk.

            Your job is just to provide a safe place -- not give your "wisdom" or personal experiences. As the silent witness, respectfully keep extending your invitation. It often takes repeated respectful invitations. Be sure to genuinely listen and thank them for sharing.

            2. Freedom comes from facing their loss and allowing themselves to feel their emotions - sadness, anger, and fear. At a neutral time, talk with them about this fact: emotions are just pure energy in the body.

            Crying is healing because it's the body's natural reaction to hurts and losses.They can cry alone, with you, in therapy, or with a friend. Encourage them to say the "dreaded" G word -- good-bye -- to fully acknowledge the ending. This can be incredibly hard and usually brings up more sadness, but they must say "I miss you. I love you. Good-bye."

            If they feel more anxious that awful things will happen in the future, show them how to shake and shiver fear out of their bodies while saying, "Something greater than me is in charge. This is not in my control. Be here now."

            Anger can also be lurking because of how unfair this tragedy seems. Encourage them to find a constructive way to pound, push, shout, or stomp out the anger energy - hard, fast, and with abandon -- where no one or nothing of value is destroyed. While moving the anger energy, they need to remind themselves that, "They are gone. That's the way it is."

            3. Whenever you feel they are sinking, spacing, and just going through the motions of living, encourage them to talk about the person some more and maybe take a few minutes to cry and say good-bye again.

            It takes time to heal when we lose something or someone dear. By talking and emoting, they'll find their energy gradually return.    


Click here to Read the more In-depth Article 


Rewiring Your Thinking: It's Easy
  changing thoughts

Are rampant destructive thoughts keeping you down? We all have some repetitive thoughts that perpetuate our sadness, anger, and fear, and keep us from feeling joy, love, and peace.


If you're struggling right now, here's something you can do to get a taste of the power of Attitude Reconstruction and get started on your own reconstruction today. We're all born with five Tools we can use to make change - our emotions, thoughts, intuition, speech, and actions. In this article I'll explain how to use your second tool, your thoughts, to replace unruly thinking with something that will serve you much better.


There are two elements to rewiring. First, you need something constructive to focus on Reliable Truths, and second you need "powering" -- a technique to internalize those thoughts. Before you read further, I'd suggest you get three 3 x 5 index cards or post-it notes, a pen, and a timer if you have one.


1. Read through the list of Truths for the grouping (preferably out loud). These are statements about yourself and are related to the emotions of sadness and joy. Write down one or two Truths that resonate for you.  




* What I'm seeking is within me.

* My job is to take care of myself.

* Life is for learning. We all make mistakes.

* I'm doing the best I can. OR I did the best I could.

* My viewpoints and needs are as valid as yours.

* I am responsible for what I think, feel, say, and do.

* I can do this.

* I love myself regardless of what I do.


Now read the entire second grouping of reliable Truths (which are about other people, things, and situations, and are related to the emotions of anger and love. Select one or two of them and write them on a second card or piece of paper.




* People and things are the way they are, not the way  

  I want them to be.

* My focus is myself.

* What he/she thinks of me is none of my business.

* He is doing the best he can. She did the best she could.

* I accept you no matter what.

* We are all on our own paths.

* Your viewpoints and needs are as important as mine.

* We can handle this together.

* How can I help?   What can I do?


Finally, do the same with the third grouping of statements. They are about your relationship to time and associated with the emotions of fear and peace. Write down one or two that feel helpful for you.




* Everything is all right. Everything will be all right.

* This feeling is temporary. This situation will pass.

* Stop. Breathe. Slow down. Be here now.

* Stay specific.

* One thing at a time.

* I'll handle the future in the future.

* I'll do what I can, and the rest is out of my hands.

* Everything is unfolding in its own time.

* Let go.


2. Now, all you have to do is internalize your reliable truths, by using a technique that I call "powering." I tell folks that 100,000 repetitions of a truth should about do it. Think about how many times you've told yourself the opposite.


To power, you keep repeating your statements over and over with a desire and intention to really know the meaning of what you are saying. You can power silently, but saying it aloud makes it real because you think, speak, and hear the words. You can close your eyes if you want. Change the tone, tempo, emphasis, and speed. If emotions arise, let yourself cry, shiver, or stomp (or however you best move the anger energy) and keep your attention focused on repeating your Truth.


The key is not to voice all the discounters. Set a timer for one minute eleven seconds. Then reset your timer and do it again. It's great to do five blocks at a time, more or less. Every repetition helps.


You can think your new thoughts as a focused concentrated activity alone, daily or several times a day; repeat them when you hear your old destructive chatter in your head; or say them to yourself while doing other activities, such as showering, driving, or exercising.


There are tangible rewards, which are called "divine shifts," when you really experience the meaning of what you are saying. Whether you have a shift or not, you'll definitely feel much better when you take charge of your thinking.


Give it a try. Keep your Truths nearby and start singing your new songs!


Let me know what truths you selected and your experiences or questions.



I hope you enjoyed this newsletter and found it insightful. Your feedback is most welcome.

I'm wishing you much joy, love, and peace.
Cheers,   Jude