With Mother's Day just passed and Father's Day is coming up, I have been thinking about family and I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my three sons. It is one of the greatest blessings I have in life. Nevertheless, as I look back on the days in which they were growing up, I wish I could get a "do-over" regarding a few discipline mistakes I made.  

(They would probably agree.)  

Interestingly, the apostle Paul twice warned dads about their tendency toward being over-bearing:

• "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4
• "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." Colossians 3:21

What is especially intriguing about this warning is that Paul felt so strongly about dads who are over-controlling that twice he gave this instruction. Also interesting is that Paul wrote this at a time in which fathers ruled the family. The term for this in Roman law was "patria potestas" (Latin: "power of a father"). This power only ended when the father died and meant that the father controlled every aspect of his children's lives, even when they became adults. This control went so far as the father's rights to punish his adult children and even to own the property that that the child acquired as an adult. It was in this "Dads Rule" culture that Paul warned dads about going overboard with control.

Dads who learn to control their anger and frustration give their children a gift that will last a lifetime. Did you know that when fathers manage their emotions, they contribute significantly to the leadership potential of their children? Richard Davis writes about this in his book, The Intangibles of Leadership, p. 121.

In childhood and early adulthood, the bonds we have with our parents are particularly important. Longitudinal studies consistently show that teenagers who have secure relationships with their parents are more likely to express charismatic leadership behaviors than those who don't. Parenting style matters too. Specifically parent's level of psychological control over their children has a direct link to future charismatic leadership behaviors. It is the father's level of psychological control, in particular, that matters. Teenagers who had more controlling dads were less likely to be seen as charismatic leaders. Mothers' level of control mattered less, which is consistent with my own observations that fathers typically have more influence on our view of, and approach to, leadership than mothers, who typically influence us in most other important areas, such as our approach to social relationships.

Learning to control our impulses in any area of our lives is next to impossible. For that reason Paul reminded us that ultimately it is not "will power" that transforms us. Rather, it is the work of the Spirit: "But the fruit of the Spirit is ... self-control." (Ephesians 5: 22 - 23)