Growltiger has decided to jump into the race for the nomination for office of Top Cat. After all, everyone else has.
Okay, so she stole most of her ideas from the other candidates, but she'll run a clean campaign and not say another candidate has gotten out of the race when he hasn't as Cruz's campaign did in an effort to fool Ben Carson's voters in Iowa. She won't cuss or fight with Fox News like Donald Trump. She promises not to come unhinged or brag that her father was a mailman (he wasn't). She won't go all shifty-eyed and dim looking like Jeb Bush, give interviews in Spanish contradicting what she says in English regarding amnesty and borders (Rubio), lecture and hector (Fiorina) and scarf up all the donuts (guess who). She won't be able to out nice Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum so she won't even try.
Growl thinks she has the winning platform, and that the Establishment and SuperPacs will love her.
If elected, on the first day in office, she'll pick a fight with Putin. Maybe shoot down a Russian plane flying over Syria at the invitation of President Assad who ignored President Obama's red line and refused to cede his country to the rebels the way Mubarak and Qaddafi did. Look how well that turned out for Egypt and Libya.
She will sell out the USA to China in the name of Fair Trade, but she won't discriminate. She'll sell out to India and Brazil, too. After all, her politician friends' and financial supporters' jobs are in no danger of being shipped overseas. Joe Sixpack doesn't have a column in the Wall Street Journal or a spot on one of Fox News's all star panels. Mr. or Ms. Sixpack will just have to sign up for retraining: Like learning how to wait tables or mow lawns.
She won't do anything to endanger the hedge fund managers' carried interest which keeps their taxes at a lower level than doctors and middle managers owe. Wall Street will love her for that.
Growl doesn't care if corporations move overseas (corporate inversion) so long as her friends clean up.
She'll invade somebody. Syria, Morocco, maybe Tunisa or Pakistan. After all, her predecessors took out Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya and undermined Egypt and got reelected. Besides, missiles and bombs cost money to replace and the fat cats who fund campaigns will make a nice, fat profit.
As an afterthought, Growltiger will take care of the soldiers by fully funding the V-A. That's if the veterans can get an appointment. We'll fix the V-A right after we close the borders we've been closing since 1986.
Speaking of borders. Isn't it time we forgot about the southern border? Not the northern border though. Canadians don't speak Spanish so won't be able to read our signs or call on our phone trees.
Amnesty shamnesty. Growltiger will grant citizenship to everyone in the world who doesn't speak English and doesn't like America.
Europe is in a mess. In an effort to help them out, we'll take in all their dissatisfied Muslims and relocate them to Michigan. That's after we take in the refugees and migrants from the Middle East and North Africa. No Christians though. They only cause trouble. And certainly no Jews. Muslims don't like Jews.
All these new citizens will stress the infrastructure, however, so we'll have to decompress. That means people who were born in the United States, whose families for generations have partaken of America's bounty will have to go. It's other people's turn now. Growltiger suggests these former Americans settle Antarctica. Antarctica has no native inhabitants who might object and the weather is tolerable for fifteen minutes every two years. We might have to subsidize parkas for them, however, but only until they get settled. After that, they're on their own.
Growltiger will be making all her campaign speeches in Spanish with English translation just in case. See how easy it is? Country all fixed.
