Recently I was a guest in the Sydney ABC studios on Sunday night to give my perspectives on reparative/conversion therapy. In the studio was also the pastoral worker, Haydn Sennitt, from Liberty Christian Ministries, who works with people who have 'unwanted same sex attraction'. You can read about the program and listen to the podcast here.

Haydn shared the story of his promiscuous and unhappy gay life, his disillusionment and his desire to be straight. Then presenter, Noel Debien, asked me to respond. My first response was that listening to Haydn story was in many ways exactly like mine ......'déjà vu' I said.

After the Sunday night program Haydn responded on the organisations website. An extract is below. 

Haydn's story is Haydn's story

Considering that certain false assumptions had been made about my comments as well as other comments Haydn had made I thought it would be good to email him. I carefully constructed a 1500 word gracious, respectful but honest response. Part of that email is below.

Hi Haydn

I was sort of hoping we would be able to chat/debrief after the ABC interview. I sensed though this is not something you would like to have done.

Someone notified me of some of your recent blogs entries.

I did think that the assumptions you have made about the meaning of my déjà vu statement on the ABC has taken things a little too far. Your assumptions and wording of what I meant by déjà vu are rather heartless statements and assumptions that I wouldn't make.

You and I do have many similarities in our journey. Fortunately I have not had to deal with sexual abuse or a tortured relationship with my family you seem to have had. Your brief time living as a gay man with the many meaningless and often anonymous sexual encounters is tragic. I lived like that myself for some time before I got married. And like you some of that continued during my marriage life. It appears from what you have said and written that this was mostly at beats, sauna's or a part of the gay 'scene'. My life today though living as an openly gay man is very very different. Its moral, full of wonderful people and most of my gay friends are in monogamous committed relationships. You and I previously were obviously moving in the wrong circles.

This is certainly not just about me. ....my story or your story. We now have 40 years of 'ex-gay' history to draw on. The patterns are quite clear. I have worked with 100's of people like myself and like you. Currently I am working with a ex-gay leader who is in the process of facing the reality late 50's. And another  man I worked with recently early 60's. When you speak about the decisions and choices people like us have had to make you make it sound like the issue was that we left the marriage to live a 'gay life'  and insinuating it is about sex and that we choose selfishly.  Or that we have 'given in' to our homosexuality. This is very far from the truth and demonstrates that you are unaware of the personal pain we have experienced in coming to a place of acceptance. Believe me it was and is never that easy. It's unfair that you speak so demeaningly about this.

I do feel sad for you.....and your wife. This is not a condescending sadness in any way. It is genuine compassion having experienced myself some of your pain and seen how my former wife also suffered. You have blogged about your unfaithfulness and betrayal of your marriage vows. I am saddened to read that in such a public space and wonder what impact these sorts of disclosures have on your wife's mental health and sense of self worth.

A women recently emailed me her story after Ron Brookman said at the marriage equality committee he had recently performed the marriage of 3 men who were 'former homosexuals' .

So Haydn we all suffer in this together in this terrible dilemma of being gay in a Christian culture that is ill-informed about sexual orientation.

How do I know all these things......from the experience of working with 100's of people who have tried the path of marriage....some used to attend Liberty....many other ex-gay style programs..

As always I am willing to dialogue or chat with you. Our meeting and the content will remain confidential if that is what you desire.

Sincerely

Anthony

......and then it got a little ugly. 

I didn't get a personal response to my email but the next day this was posted on his blog. 

Recently I was searching the internet for some information and came across this podcast of a national Christian radio show aired on 1 October 2006. The topic was Homosexuality and Christianity. John Meteyard was at that time the chairman of Australia/Asia Exodus. After hearing the tragic stories with no hope I called in. If you listen or download the podcast you will hear my call in on the 49th minute. I was on air for till the end of the show (15 minutes). At the end I asked John if he would be willing to talk further and followed up with an email. Over the next few months we emailed back and forth spoke on the phone and finally met up face to face when I was in Brisbane. The final outcome of that dialogue and relationship was this statement for which John was severely criticised in the Christian and ex-gay worlds. As an Australian leader of Exodus John Meteyard was doing something in 2007 that the global leader Alan Chambers has only done this year by opposing the message of conservative Christians and saying you can be Christian and gay.

Former Ex-gay Leader - John Meteyard

I was involved with Exodus ministries for nearly 20 years until my recent 'retirement' at the end of 2006. I have also seen many of my brothers and sisters show great courage in their choices as they seek to respond to the profoundly difficult challenge of reconciling their faith and sexuality. Many of these have managed to live a life of integrity and morality as same sex oriented individuals. During the last two decades my views concerning the issue of Christian faith and homosexuality have undergone considerable growth and change. This has been the result of many things: my own journey, my developing understanding of God and, as I have shared above, the experiences of friends and other courageous brothers and sisters I have met on the way. In the past I have been ardent in my opinion that homosexual orientation was unquestioningly a result of the 'fall' and God's intention was therefore always to heal the same-sex attracted believer and help them to be 'whole'. In the past I have frequently spoken publicly in support of these views. However, my position is now somewhat different. I now believe that it is crucially important that we all learn to respect the rights and choices of gay and lesbian believers as they work through the complexities of their unique situation with God in their own way and in their own time.

I didn't want to take on the role of the tragic lover but the shock of losing James plus the discovery that he was now seeing Mark, a hairdresser and close friend of mine, was too much. I'd always encouraged the friendship between Mark and James and they got on so well together. Mark often told me that friendships were more important to him than relationships as he'd had his heart broken several times before. I believed him. I'd left Mark and James alone in the apartment one day when I went off to work. Around 10.30am, sitting at my desk I had an awful feeling come over me that Mark and James were sleeping together at that moment. Immediately I put the thought out of my mind. Mark would never do that to me, I thought, he knows how much I love James and that would be the ultimate betrayal. Twelve months after our separation James confessed what had happened, apparently on the day and time I'd instinctively known.

Thoughts of ending the gnawing ache began infiltrating my thinking. Partying with my friends seemed the only way to deal with the loneliness, but the physical excesses of my lifestyle combined with the emotional trauma of losing James took its toll. It was as though my body said this is enough, I'm shutting you down for a while. My friend, Tim, had to come to my rescue. He'd discovered me in a tragic state after I took Normison to try and sleep, and Xanax to relieve the three days of uncontrollable hiccuping I'd been going through. Now I had internal bleeding and Tim had to take me to casualty. He called Rebekah at work. The doctor at the hospital had decided to give me Largactyl intravenously to settle me down and I remember stirring from my heavy sleep to see her sitting at my bedside. I turned away, embarrassed that she was seeing me in such a pathetic state, and then lapsed back into unconsciousness again.

After being released from the hospital, my friends monitored me twenty-four hours a day, looking after my every need and cooking meals.

The wonderful group of genuine people I had gathered around me over the years were now shining like never before. I felt so blessed.

Within a week I was feeling better and knew it was time for some serious re-evaluation of my life. My friend, Todd, asked me to go with him to the Gold Coast for a week in order to clear my head and begin to think about a life and future without James. After all, I had promised myself before, single or partnered, my life would always be fulfilling and rewarding. Genuine happiness comes from within; not granted to you by another.

Why ABBI?

Enormous unnecessary suffering is caused by people's lack of understanding about sexual orientation. Ignorance in this area impacts not only gay and lesbian people themselves but families, educational institutions and workplaces. This is especially true for those from religious backgrounds and certain cultures.

• High suicide rates among LGBT youth and people from religious backgrounds
• Existence of "ex-gay" programs that attract the emotionally vulnerable and tormented with false promises of change
• Eventual breakdown of marriages when one partner believed heterosexual marriage would solve their 'problem'
• Depression and other mental health issues caused by the perceived conflict of faith and sexuality
• Self-destructive and obsessive behaviours as a result of internalized homophobia
• Religious organizations reinforcing myths & maintaining stereotypes about LGBT people & their relationships
• Fragmented relationships when families and friends reject the gay or lesbian person who 'comes out'

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