Michigan Family Institute Newsletter
February 2013
What We Do     Specialty Services     Staff     Contact     mifamilytherapy.com     248-593-4784
In This Issue
PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN FROM THE HIGH CONFLICT OF DIVORCE
TAKE THE STEPS TO AN EMOTIONAL DIVORCE
 

BOOKS 
 

(Guilford Press 1996)
Jerome A. Price
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(Impact Publications 2011)
Margerum J, Price J, and Windell J 
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(Impact Publications 2007) Gaulier B, Margerum J, Price J, Windell J 
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(Zeig-Tucker Publications 2003) Price J, Margerum  J 

SPEAKERS' BUREAU 


As a courtesy to the many trusted professionals who refer to us, we offer presentations for staff development and for parents in schools or treatment programs at no charge.
Subjects are many and varied and can be coordinated with your program's needs.

Just call or email us




Let us know which of the following groups would be helpful to you and your clients.

  • TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR DIVORCE
  • TUNE UP YOUR MARRIAGE: It's not that bad but could be better. 
  • THE RIGHT TO BE THE GROWNUP: Helping Parents Be Parents to Their Difficult Teens  
  • ANGER MANAGEMENT
  • HELPING TEENS NAVIGATE DIVORCES
  • THE TRUTH ABOUT DEPRESSION

Please call or email us with your preferences or with other subjects you'd like us to speak on or do groups for. We're interested in what will best meet the needs of you and your clients.

info@mifamilytherapy.com

PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN FROM THE HIGH CONFLICT OF DIVORCE 

 

Judith Margerum, Ph.D.

 

 

You can't protect your children from

the sadness and loss that goes along  

with divorce but you can and need to protect them from the ugliness of ongoing parental conflict. Seeing parents argue and disagree on occasion is not going to damage children. In fact, it is only normal to see parents disagree. It can even be healthy to observe adults disagreeing and coming to resolution.  

 

Children need to learn that conflict can occur in a healthy and respectful manner. What is not healthy is for children to see and hear ongoing conflict between parents that is disparaging. Researchers have found that ongoing, high conflict is what causes the most damage for children.

 

Children whose parents remain in high conflict for years after divorce are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, behavioral and even substance abuse problems. They often feel caught in the middle of the conflict and may end up taking sides with one parent against the other. They can become more manipulative because the parents will believe anything they say about the other parent. They know their parents won't check things out because they don't speak with each other. Children learn from watching the adults around them. If they see disrespect they will learn that it is okay to disrespect their parents and other adults.

 

When parents undermine each other, share information about child support, personal adult business and court events children get drawn into a conflict that should not be theirs. They may even take up the battle for a parent that they feel has been wronged. This could range from emotionally disconnecting to disrespect and ultimately refusing to spend time with that parent.

 

When caught up in the parental conflict children lose their childhoods. Making sure that you are emotionally divorced will be a gift to your children as well as yourselves.


 

  

 

 
TAKE THE STEPS TO AN EMOTIONAL DIVORCE  
 
Jerome A. Price, MA, LMFT, LMSW

 

So you're divorced. One of the ways you know that you're done with your husband or wife is that you don't like him or her anymore. At least, that's what your mind tells you. However, your mind can be a trickster. It tells you a lot of things that are designed to keep you doing what you always do. When you don't change, your mind is happiest - but your spirit and emotions are troubled. THE MIND IS A TRICKSTER.

 

All of that anger at your ex gives you the illusion of being done with him or her. In fact, anger is just another form of intimacy. To whatever extent you're feeling angry and troubled you are still emotionally married. The first step to emotional divorce is to accept this so that you can work on it.

 

The second step is to look at yourself. What was the point of getting divorced if you're still going to be focused on him or her? That was the problem you needed to get away from, whether you wanted the divorce or your ex wanted it. If you have a new partner or spouse, focusing on your ex is just moving that person into bed between you. As your new partner how he or she feels about this point. Most will say they feel your ex in bed with the two of you but didn't want to hurt you by telling you this when you were already in distress.

 

The final step is to take action. Look objectively at what you need in order to feel better. Your suffering does nothing to punish your ex. Plus, if you feel a need to punish, that's emotional marriage. Do you need to take up yoga, tai chi or meditation? Studying mindfulness can help. Going to therapy doesn't mean you're crazy or the problem. It just means you're the one sane enough to get help and let go of the past. Holding on is like a tug-of-war. If one side let's go - the other side falls down with nothing left to pull against.

 

 

 

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