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TALKING POINTS: HOW TO BE A BETTER COMMUNICATOR WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX
Welcome again to Part Four of my New Year's series on Relationships. In Parts One and Two - I had discussed how men and women tend to speak and think differently. In Part Three, I started to outline some applications for increasing our effectiveness with the other gender; including, incorporating dynamic Respect, and learning how to Re-frame Conflict.
If you missed those articles, please click on the "Archives" link and feel free to review them.
Here is my third "R of Success" with the opposite sex:
Readjust how you talk
In order to be more effective, men and women need to learn the gender specific "dialects" of one another.
For example, men may need to increase historical narrative when speaking with women. Women may need to put the bottom-line first when speaking with men. Remember, men use communication to report facts, while women use communication to build rapport.
Consider just how knowing this one basic gender-style difference could increase your effectiveness if you are in sales or customer-service. If you find yourself in management, you may unintentionally be tuning out and demotivating your staff because you are unaware of their specific interpersonal needs.
Additionally, women should not try to communicate their needs to men using hint language. Men don't hear the hints. Women can be more effective with men by being more direct, stating clearly "I need" or "I want".
Men can increase their effectiveness with women by being more present during the interpersonal event in a non-verbal manner. Women give off more non-verbal signals to the speaker during a conversation. They are more likely to nod their head, have eye contact, and to make sounds which indicate that they are tuned in and listening. Men tend to not do as much of this non-verbal feedback as women. Most men can work on their eye contact (the average man only has eye contact of 3 seconds - while women may maintain eye contact for up to 12 seconds), and increase their non-verbal signaling.
Great communicators know how to speak the language of the opposite sex; they change their interpersonal approach based upon the need of the moment. Great communicators know that they can motivate and get better results from people if they can practice the art of audience analysis.
Ask yourself if you know the preferred gender-style of your colleagues, clients, friends, and family. And do you know how to change your approach in order to decrease conflict and increase relational success?
What are the true stories of communication mis-fires in your business? Have you noticed that men and women speak a different language and have different "voices?" If you have, then try to change your approach when speaking with the other gender.
The following are some basic talking points which might help you when communicating with the opposite sex:
Men Can
Men need to use "Voice-Female" when speaking with women. For example:
- Increase historical details
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Give more background and context
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Remember that women use communication to build rapport-connections
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Spend more time asking questions and listening, moving slowly to the bottom line
- When you listen, be sure to maintain eye contact, nod your head, be attentive and give what I call "listening noises" (i.e.; "Uh-huh, umm, hmmm").
Why do you do this? Because this is the "Voice-Female"; women give off interpersonal signals to the speaker of the conversation which lets them know they are being heard. A woman feels heard by another woman because of her listening noises.
- Increase non-verbal excellence in communication by trying to read between the lines when listening to women; work on picking up some of the hints that she may be dropping for you. Listening is the art of communicating.
Women Can
Women need to use "Voice-Male" when talking to men. For example:
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Give the bottom-line first
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Resist the thought that he needs the context and the background. A great technique to try is to simply give him the bottom-line and then ask him if he wants more detail. Most of the time you will be surprised because he actually will. "Sally, what happened at the staff meeting?" says, Joe. "Well Joe," says Sally, "We decided to postpone the Johnson proposal." (pause and then continue) "Would you like to hear more details about that?" This is "Voice-Male." Try it and you may find the men in your life hearing you and remembering what you say more efficiently.
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Avoid speaking in hint language. Remember that men tend not to hear the hints; they hear a question that needs an answer - so they answer it. Be direct. Instead of saying, "Wouldn't it be nice to go see a movie today?" Speak in "I statements" such as "I want" or "I need" - try not to put men in the position of reading your mind or guessing what you are saying. Women, who have become excellent leaders, have learned the art of assertive and respectful communication that doesn't sound pushy or aggressive.
Remember that when it comes to communication, delivery is everything. It's more of how you are saying it, than what you are saying.
For more information on this or other seminars from Psychologist and Humorist, Bruce Christopher -- please visit his website www.bcseminars.com or email him at bruce@bcseminars.com
Happy Valentine's Day!
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