PART THREE: APPLICATIONS -- "SO, NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT IT?"

Welcome back to the third installment of my Relationship Series for the New Year. In my previous two issues, I had discussed two primary points: First, that men and women speak differently; second, men and women think differently as well. If you missed those two news-letters, please click on the "Archives" link to check them out and catch up.

Here is what I am saying: If you want to be effective with the opposite sex, you have to remember your Three R's (and it is not reading, writing, and arithmetic for sure!).

Respect

It all begins here, does it not? In my seminar on this topic, I often poke fun (in a very professional way) at the differences between men and women. But, I make sure the audience realizes that the differences between the sexes are amazing and synergistically effective.

Respect means to embrace those differences and not try to change the other sex - instead, change your own approach by learning to speak the language of the other gender.

It may be true that opposites attract, but wow - sometimes opposites have a heck of a time living and working together. My aim in the seminar is to help both men and women to become bi-lingual; that is, to learn to speak the language of the opposite sex.

Re-Framing Conflict

One of the skill-sets which I attempt to teach my audiences is the ability to REFRAME conflict. That is, to see conflict in a different way than they have traditionally been viewing the matter. At home, couples fight about money, sex, kids, and household chores. At work, we fight about staff meeting decisions, proposals, performance reviews, co-workers and managers. These issues are not the real problems, these can be viewed as only the tip-of-the-iceberg. The real tension lurks underneath the surface.

What is above the surface, what we see, are merely topics of conflict; the real dynamics are prowling below -- hidden from view, they are the gender cultural, language, and style differences which fuel the fires of our frustrations with the opposite sex.

In the counseling office, I would see couples complain of sex or money problems. But you can reframe it -- see it differently -- what may really be going on is a compartmental vs. global problem! (i.e. see Part Two in the Archive Section)

In organizations, team-members disagree about the decision which was made in the staff meeting. Most likely, the real tension is not regarding the decision itself, the larger influence at play was how the dynamic of language was used in the staff meeting to process the decision.

The purpose of my seminar is to take a humorous look at these tensions, and then to apply practical strategies which will increase communication effectiveness. "Now I know why they do what they do!" -- is a common response after the seminar.

For instance, one of the worst mistakes we can make when communicating with the opposite sex, is to speak our own "dialect" in order to get our point across. Americans generally try this approach when we travel overseas. If we are in a country in which we do not speak the native tongue, our peculiar strategy often is to speak our own language louder and slower; thinking that this tactic will magically cross the language barrier and individuals will somehow understand what we are saying.

Men and women make this mistake consistently. We speak our own gender-language to one another and are mystified when we are not connecting with the opposite sex.

Wait for it....wait for it.....wait for it.....

****In the next issue, I'll share with you the Third R of Success and give you practical Talking Points on how to be more effective when communicating with the opposite sex. See you then!