It's that time of year again. Valentine's Day...where we often think of relationships. Welcome to PART ONE of a series in the next few weeks discussing differences in how men and women speak, think, and make decisions differently.

The topic of male and female differences has been a very hot topic in corporate circles. The reason is because men and women actually speak a different language. As a psychologist, I know that communication is the single most important skill set that an individual can possess. People who have excellent interpersonal skills tend to have better relationships, better marriages, and are more successful in their careers.

Yet, whenever we talk to someone of the opposite sex, a whole new dynamic takes place. Sometimes, it seems as if we are trying to communicate with someone from another planet -- hence, several books have been written to express that theme.

Men and women often display different interpersonal styles in their communication patterns. We tend to order our presentations differently: men giving the "bottom-line" first while women giving the "bottom-line" last supported with a more historical narrative approach.

As an example, a woman may ask her spouse during dinner, "Honey, how was your day?" According to her social framework and communication style, she would expect a presentation of material which would reflect a historical narrative approach, supported by details, and giving the "bottom-line" last. Instead, she gets the "bottom-line" first -- and that's all she gets -- he answers, "Fine." In his social framework, this means "nobody died, and I still have a job! -- what else could she possibly want to know?"

Women often complain that men are not communicating with them and telling them what is going on in their life. But these frustrations can be explained through an understanding of how we use language in different ways. Dr. Debra Tannen, a linguist and author on the subject, says that men typically use communication to report facts, while women use communication to build rapport connections.

A female audience member in one of my seminars, told me the true story of her husband bursting into the kitchen after work and announcing to the family, "My sister had a baby today!" Then. . .dead silence. She waited and finally asked, "Well, was it a boy or girl, was it a difficult delivery, how much did it weigh, what did they name the child?"

He literally replied, "I didn't even think to ask those questions." A good metaphor for picturing how men and women present material differently is a newspaper. Men speak in headline, while women speak in story. He simply came home and gave the headline: Baby Born -- Mother Lives!

Additionally, women are much better at picking up the hidden meanings of messages. Men "hear' the literal translation of messages, the content of the words themselves, while women may often read-between-the-lines and pick up the feelings associated with the words. "Reading between the lines" is a normal part of female communication. Dr. Carol Gilligan noticed these communication differences very early in human development and among the play of children.

In their play, little boys tended to express their wishes as a demand-statement: "Let's do this." While the girls would tend to communicate their desires as a suggestion-statement: "Why don't we do this?" These socialized communication patterns stay with us into adulthood and become assimilated into our male and female cultural rules about how we should communicate. Women, using a form of "hint" language to communicate their needs, may be dismayed when they realize that men are not hearing what they are trying to say.

She says, "Wouldn't it be nice to go see a movie today?" He answers, "No." She says, "It's cold in here, isn't it?" He says, "No." Later in the counseling office she may complain, "He never does what I want to do!" He rebuts, "Well, just tell me what you want to do and we'll do it!" The tension is obvious. Men do not hear hint-language because it is not part of their cultural etiquette and upbringing. What men hear is the literal translation; a question that needs an answer. Yet women may experience this inability to hear the hint as indifference on his part and as a lack of caring and insight into her needs.

Through understanding and applying these communication differences, men and women can increase their interpersonal skills at home or at the office. Recent studies have suggested that the average person at work spends about 38% of their day dealing with unwanted tension, conflict, and misunderstandings. Much of these communication mis-fires at the office are due to these gender differences. What could happen to our performance if we could reduce that unwanted 38%!? I believe this is why training on the topic of gender communication differences is essential for increased performance on the job.

Whether you are in sales, management, administration, or technical areas -- you are in relationship to people of the opposite sex. Communication is what makes relationships work; without being aware of gender style differences you may be increasing the likelihood of conflict and mystery -- if not inadvertently not making the sale, frustrating your co-workers, and tuning out your clientele.

Stay Tuned for the next article on How Men & Women Think Differently