The Third Stage - Love and Respect
"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good, and not evil, all the days of her life." Proverbs 31: 1-3
There is a verse in the fifth chapter of Ephesians on husbands and wives that I think has been overlooked to the most part. It is the final verse 33 which states: " Nevertheless, let everyone of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife, see that she respects her husband." It is this last part, the wife respecting her husband, that seems to escape attention or teaching, and it is a subject that should have been taught in the very first stage. Because it may not have been, it is now causing some devastating affects at this time in our marriage.
It is an interesting question as to what men most desire from their wives. This passage from God gives the wife the principle to respect her husband. Emerald Eggrichs has written on the subject in his book, LOVE AND RESPECT. In the book, he relates a survey in which he imposed the following question to men - "Which had you as husbands rather feel the most, that your wife loved you, or that your wife respected you?" The answer from over 400 men was an astonishing and overwhelming majority that men had rather feel their wives respected them.
I posed this same question to men in our Bible study group and came up with the same results. It is also interesting at the conversations this question brings up. Men look like deer in headlights at the idea this question presents. All of a sudden, it seems like the door to a lot of questions, concerns, and unsettledness has been opened and they want to explore it. Think about it for a moment. When a man goes to work, does he want the people around him to love him or respect him? The home is no different. It does not mean, however, that he does not want to feel love from his wife, but he may want more, or at least to the same extent, to feel that she respects him.
As Emerald Eggerich states in his book, the relationship between a wife and husband is a circle. God has given the principle that the husband is to love his wife and the wife is to respect her husband. It is, therefore, built into every wife the need to feel loved, and into every husband the need to feel respected. If one of them doesn't get what they need, they can withhold giving what the other needs. This is a vicious circle that can only be stopped by one of them realizing what is going on and being adult enough to respond by giving, whether or not they are receiving.
Respect is what we husbands receive out of the love we give. My wife sees the responsibility I have and that I am giving it my best. She sees my hard work, she knows it takes patience and that I place no higher priority in my life. She sees the character it takes, the life of Christ in me, and the goodness generated in my heart, attitude, and actions. With all that is around me, I have remained faithful. She sees me fail at times, but knows that I will rebound and continue the journey. She knows I need her wisdom and guidance from time to time. In showing her respect for me, she recognizes that I may make mistakes, but allows me to lead even when she knows I may be wrong. She never corrects me rudely or in front of others, but does so when needed in a way that her actions indicate she has a high regard for me. She never tries to upstage me, but offers guidance and assistance in quiet gentle ways that allow me to be a man and say to me, I am A GOOD MAN.
This third stage of 10 - 20 years in our marriage is the most dangerous time we may face. But we can make it through without being one of the 50% who do not make it. If you are one of those who are experiencing success in your marriage, just be aware of the dangers and lies that may target your marriage. If, however, you are one of those who are standing on the brink of divorce, I plead with you to take a hard look at what we have been talking about. You can overcome any difficulty, and you can resist the lies that are before you. There has been many a man, who at one time, were 100% convinced they could not make it in their marriage. Yet, today they love their wives as never before. They have surrendered their marriage to God, resisted the destructive emotions, and began a committed path to restore their "feelings" and relationship with their wife. They will be entering the blessings and joy of the final stage.
