Perfection is an illusion. Even a "perfect" rose may harbor bugs. Our bodies get sick and grow wrinkles we'd rather forget about. Houses are never "perfectly" square. (Try hanging wallpaper and you will know what we mean!) Yet....today's society promotes the illusion that everything and, more importantly, everyone must be perfect in order to have value. (Look at the media. They praise perfect young bodies and tear apart those who grow old or put a few pounds on or have a deformity.) Every word we speak must be carefully thought out and analyzed lest we somehow offend someone. How can anyone live up to such high standards?

     We expect perfection from our teachers, doctors, politicians, police, clergy, friends, children, and even our spouse. We burden them with an impossible task - which often leads to poor self-esteem and a lack of trust. We project our disappointment and disillusionment on them at the critical moment when they fail to live up to our extreme expectations. We fail to offer them compassion, understanding, and help when they need it most. This can destroy confidence, careers, and faith.

     We can expect everyone's best effort, but when they fall short, is it really our responsibility to chastise them to the breaking point? Isn't it a time for us to practice our compassion and our patience while reaching out to them? For example, you are at WWME leadership meeting and one of the couples has forgotten, yet again, to bring their report. We are not talking about a purposeful, malicious act intended to break our trust with them, but a human mistake. They need our understanding, not our condemnation. We can assist them by helping brainstorm ideas to help them remember next time.

     Trying for perfection puts an unrealistic expectation on a person. Can I (Patricia) expect Doriano to remember every little thing I say? Or can I realistically expect him to agree with my every thought? No. Doriano sometimes worries too much about our safety and locking up. This can make us late and I can become annoyed with him. In reality, in his mind he is protecting me and the family. Rather than berate him about being late, it would be better to dialogue on ways we could still be safe and still be on time.  Doriano isn't perfect, but I still choose to love him each and every day.

     Can I (Doriano) expect Patricia to be a perfect housekeeper? She works long hours five days a week and is very involved with our children at other times. No. Yelling at her when something isn't done, will only damage our relationship and her self-esteem. We need to dialogue on what is important to accomplish and set priorities. I need to understand that sometimes, when I request her help with one of my chores, I am taking her away from hers. Patricia isn't perfect, but I still choose to love her each and every day

     God created us in His image and perfection, but the disobedience of Adam and Eve , through their own free will, in the Garden of Eden destroyed the perfection God had created. Since then humans have needed to cope with the sins that Adam and Eve introduced into the world. Modern life has elevated expectations of perfection and put each little imperfection under a microscope that turns every slip into a mortal sin rather than just a mistake. This, in turn, damages our self-esteem and initiates feelings of fear and anxiety. How can we trust and love unconditionally if we are afraid? How can we believe that God can love us when we can't love ourselves?

     Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." One by one the Pharisees drifted away from the adulterous woman. He said to her, "Go and sin no more. Your sins are forgiven you." In doing so, He claimed the right of judgment for God alone. By placing such impossibly high expectations upon each other, we usurp God's plan for unconditional love.

     God loves you. We love you. We forgive you for any slights you may commit and we ask your forgiveness for any mistakes, slights, or goofs we may make. Please forgive yourself, forgive your spouse, and forgive your family and friends for their mistakes. Go to Confession. God loves you! Celebrate!

10/10 Questions:

1. One expectation I have of you, that I judge is unreasonable, is _____________.  How do I feel about my answer?
2. Describe in loving detail one mistake that you made that created feelings of anxiety and/or fearfulness. How do I feel about my answer?
3. How do you feel when you make a mistake: at work?  at home?  In public? How do I feel about my answer?
4. Name three ways you can make your spouse feel more secure in your relationship this week. How do I feel about my answer?
5. What am I most afraid of?  Explain in loving detail. How do I feel about my answer?
6. When I commit a sin, I am breaking God's trust in me. Yet, he always welcomes me back with loving arms in Confession. How do I feel about this? How do I feel about my answer?
7. Which media, that I use, promotes the illusion of perfection the most? How could I counter balance that message? How do I feel about my answer?

We had been participating in the Christian Family Movement for a few months when the leaders of the group invited us to attend a Marriage Encounter that was going to be led by a team from Mexico - in Spanish. It was held at St. Agnes Parish in Los Angeles and it was not an over-night stay. About a month later, the leaders asked us to make "another" Marriage Encounter in English to be held at Holy Spirit Retreat House in Los Angeles, and the team was comprised of Fr. Patrick Colleran and Dick and Cindy Pardi and one other couple. It was a good weekend and we thought we had found the pearl of great price. But, God had a plan for us and on a Sunday night not long after that second weekend, we received a telephone call from Fr. Colleran asking if he could come over "right now" as he had something important to tell us. When he showed up, we didn't know what to make of him as he sat down in a recliner, with his hair disheveled, he announced that "I got my name back this weekend. Call me Paddy!" He told us that he had just come back from a Marriage Encounter weekend and we were going to go to the next one - in Santa Barbara!" We thought "but we've already made two weekends!" He said "you haven't until you go on this one." 

It was in January of 1972 that we arrived at Santa Barbara wondering what we were in for, walked in and saw this jolly roundish man with a red and white striped t-shirt welcoming us. We sat in the back row and very quickly felt ourselves nailed to that back wall. We were stunned by the experience and later realized that the Holy Spirit was not only present, the Holy Spirit was turning our lives inside out - through that jolly roundish man we learned was Fr. Chuck Gallagher! A month later, attending the follow-up gathering of the first two weekends in California, Chuck asked us to go to New York for a deeper encounter. That weekend, Chuck and the team couples struggled with us over the difference between thoughts and feelings. Challenged us to a year of "Yes" and to give up our "No Power." 

Our lives have never been the same as we grew in the love of each other, experiencing God's love for us through each other, and through our community of lovers. During the next several years, in all the weekends we served, we remembered what Fr. Chuck said to us at the end of our Deeper Encounter - he said that we were to be the heart of Marriage Encounter. We had no idea what he meant by that but because of the love that we experienced, after four children, we were gifted with the Holy Year Pilgrimage to Lourdes and Rome where we prayed in Assisi for another baby. On our return, we heard that our adoption was going to go through and that December 5, our identical twins were born. We were exhilarated and our WWME community blessed us with a dual baby shower. Three weeks later, we were scheduled for a WWME weekend and our dear friends, Bill and Joanne offered to take care of these precious children - and God's sense of humor surprised us with our 7th child born 10 months later. On our 45th wedding anniversary, Chuck wrote a beautiful, very personal letter to us that has continued to resonate in our lives. We have been married now for 55 years and know that he was God's messenger to us.  

We are grateful to all the loving priests, Fr. Chuck, Fr. Jerry, Fr. Cliff, and all the beautiful matrimonied couples who have touched our lives and continue to be that sign of God's love for us.  

Ruben and Martha Luján