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Wild, Sexy Advice from Patty's Married Sister
(Please pass me another pastry)
By Carole Kane
Laura fastened the tape on little Joe's diaper and slipped his tiny blue pants over it. Then she handed him to Patria. "Here, just let me warm his bottle and I'll let him drink it in the crib."
Chuck stood near the refrigerator feeding Felicia, his mouth assuming the same shape as she sucked at the bottle.
"Boy, you two act like old hands with the twins," Patria said, smiling. Through the kitchen window she could hear her own kids, Brian and Greg, splashing noisily in the small wading pool on Laura's patio. It was hot! Ninety-two and not even noon yet!
Josefina and Felice were coming later, too. They always spent Labor Day with the family in Clover Park. Felice had picked up an old car cheap just last week, and so Chuck wouldn't have to go get them today. And they were bringing fireworks for the kids to watch later in the evening - compliments of The Fence.
"You think we ought to barbecue the sausages, or put them in the gravy?" Laura asked as she came back from the nursery.
"Let's barbecue them," Chuck said. "It's too hot to be in the kitchen cooking all day." Then he turned towards the window and called to the boys, "Hey, leave some water for me!" He left the women to gossip and make the salads while he cooled his feet with his nephews.
Patria leaned across the table toward Laura, her voice almost a whisper. "You know, I love him, but I thought he'd never leave!" she said confidentially. "I'm dying to talk to you!"
Laura grinned. "What's up?" She started peeling the cold boiled potatoes for potato salad.
"Brooke and I have a date next Thursday," Patria blurted excitedly.
"Well, what do you know! It's about time! Tell me all about it!" Laura put down her knife and stared at her sister, eyes wide with interest.
"Well - we finally made a date for Thursday. It's the first day we'll both be free. We're gonna leave from the office and take the whole day off together." Patria sighed heavily and reached for a pretzel. "Laura, I'm dying! I can't wait! But - I'm afraid I'm going to make a fool of myself."
Laura brought the coffee to the table. This was going to be a whole-pot kind of conversation. She refilled their mugs and sat down closer to Patria, eager to hear more. The salads could wait. "What's the big problem?"
Patria's face began to flush. "Well - I - I - Dammit! Here I am, thirty-one years old, and I'm still embarrassed to talk about this, even with you."
"Will you get on with it!" Laura squirmed with impatience. "Mama and Papa Ricci will be here soon, and we won't have another chance to talk alone all day. Forget the embarrassment! Talk already!"
"I need some advice," Patria said, absently tearing her napkin to shreds. Her blush deepened. "I mean - well, I just don't know what to do with Brooke. I've kind of hinted - all these months - actually I've been teasing the hell out of him - anyway, I've given the impression that I'm a real hot number." She stared at the napkin in her lap. "And I really don't know much at all. Peter was always pretty conservative. We never - "
"Patty, I know what you're getting at," Laura interrupted, grinning. "And believe me, men think sex is great any old way. You don't have to hang from the ceiling with your big toe in the light socket and your finger up his nose!"
"You're crazy, Laura!" Patria burst out laughing. How could she be embarrassed when Laura was such a nut!
They split a cheese Danish, still chuckling, and between bites Patria discussed her strategy. "I've got a couple of books put out by Cosmopolitan, with some interesting ideas," she said. "The one I like is, you get a can of Reddi-Wip - "
"You would!" Laura said, giggling. "Whipped cream was always your favorite food."
"Let me finish," Patria said, gesturing for her to be still. "You're supposed to spray it on and - " she hesitated.
"Well? Don't stop now!" Laura said expectantly.
"...and lick it off!" Patria's face was burning again. "What I'd like to know is, where do you put the can before you're ready? You can't walk around holding it - and besides, it might get sour - "
Laura interrupted her with another howl. "You better forget that!" she whooped. "Imagine licking off sour Reddi-Wip? You'd ruin the whole thing by getting sick!" She cut into a second Danish, her old devilish grin returning. "How about you apply Cool-Whip all over him with a rubber spatula? That's non-dairy, and you don't have to worry about problem souring. And you'll be saving the environment from an aerosol can!"
Patria shook her head and grinned. "I can see where you're gonna be a great help!"
Three cups of coffee and two pastries later, they had run the gamut from the ninety-nine positions to massages and champagne baths, and each was totally convinced that the other knew nothing at all about sex!
"I haven't laughed so much in ages," Laura said. "My stomach hurts from laughing."
"Mine, too," Patria agreed. "But I'm still back where I started - no thanks to you." She poked Laura in the ribs playfully. "I guess I'll just act like I know what I'm doing and play it by ear. After all, he doesn't know what I've done before, right?"
The sound of crunching gravel drifted in through the window. Josie and Felice were parking in the driveway.
"Well, that ends that!" Laura said, grabbing her knife and hastily peeling potatoes.
She turned back to her sister for a moment and said, "Patty, you've got to call me Thursday night - I don't care what time you call. I'll wait up. I can't wait to hear what happens!"
Josie was huffing through the patio, half-dragging two overflowing bags of presents for all the kids. In a moment she'd be in the kitchen.
"I promise," Patria whispered. Then she winked at Laura and teased, "I'll make you a tape recording."
Adapted from A Dream of Roman Candles by Carole Kane
Take a look at the book:
A Dream of Roman Candles by Carole Kane
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