Wasn't Monday a beautiful day? Sunny and warm enough to sit outside at Bakery By The Lake, sipping coffee and watching families flock to the park for President's Day. Everyone was out and having a good time. Even the birds were excited and carrying on - like they had the day off from school too. I should have been in a good mood, but I wasn't. Just not in a good mood at all.

Couldn't kick the gloom. Tried the usual solutions - time alone with God, a walk, but as I said, even coffee in the sun wasn't cutting through. So I plunked myself down in my office and played chess on my computer. Then came a knock at our front door. It was a little knock and at first so quiet I didn't even notice that I was hearing it. But then it grew louder and more demanding until it turned into the doorbell ringing. There was a little girl named Irelyn that I know at the door - the daughter of friends down the street - and she brought the afternoon sun with her.

But Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 19:14

She had been on her way walking with her parents to the park, but then Irelyn decided she didn't want to go there and asked to go down our street instead to see "Uncle Stevie". Her parents almost didn't let her - dropping by unexpectedly is such a lost art - but she's two-and-a-half and knows how to get her way in ways that cannot be impeded by logic or reason alone. So she came and knocked at the door and irreverently interrupted the bad feeling I was feeling. And then there was an excited hug - and then the bad feeling was gone for good.

And [Jesus] said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3

What did Jesus mean by this? It seems like someone who is older and wiser is going to be closer to God then a child could ever be. Children can be selfish and demanding - throw themselves down on the ground kicking and screaming when they don't get their way - cry over little things and pout. Don't I behave better than 10 children? How could you possibly lift them over me as an example? Is that how Jesus wants me to act? Like a temper-tantrum throwing child?

But when I think about it now I realize I had, in fact, spent the entire day engaged in a major pity-party-pout - one that would have measured as epic compared to the worst someone like Irelyn could ever dish out. The big difference between me and Irelyn is that I have the "skills" and "maturity" to keep my inner tantrum hidden - even from myself. But maybe that isn't the big positive I see it as. Maybe it would be better if I was more honest about what is happening inside - more transparent.

As little Irelyn ran around our living room and laughed and played it was obvious how happy she was. She performed little concerts for us on Paula's keyboard. Climbing on the piano stool she would reach up to the keys above her nose and knock out a short but mighty tune. Then jumping back down she would bow for us, saying, "Thank you, thank you." as we clapped. Then she'd hop back on the stool and play it again. She was so genuine in her joy and uncontrived in her actions. There was a beautiful light shining through her - like God Himself was down there on the carpet with us, enjoying our company on the beautiful day He had made.

Everything Irelyn does she does with all her heart - even when she's mad about something. What do I do with all my heart? Do I ever do anything anymore? Where did I learn to turn that off? Somewhere along the way I stopped being willing to risk putting all of myself out there. Who can refute the logic - if you don't try then you can't fail.

The funny coincidence about all this is that it's just like the message Pastor Craig gave on Sunday. Even down to the part where he showed us a video of a kid doing a wild dance and encouraged us all to do something wild - something with our whole heart."You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." I should definitely be paying attention here - God is obviously trying to make something clear to me. I just wish I knew what it was...