In The SpotLight!

March, 2016

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"You can't be better or worse than anyone if you are not competing with or comparing yourself to them." Gabrielle Reece

Personal Note from Janet

We had another great Getting Over Stage Fright workshop in January. It is hard for me to believe that I have been running the workshop for 18 years and there have been 78 classes and almost 850 people who have taken it.

As in all of the workshops, there was a wonderful group of people who came together to work on this challenge. It is amazing to watch the camaraderie and bonding that takes place as people open up and share what they have been going through with this fear.

It is freeing when we can openly and honestly share our fear with others rather than try to hide it. There is also a healing that takes place when we no longer feel so alone as we share our fear with those who deeply understand and relate to it from their own personal experience.

A couple of themes came up in this workshop that I will be discussing in a later segment of the newsletter, but I first wanted to share a metaphor about the benefits of being prepared in reducing anxiety.

Last year, we had a long and hard winter with a great deal of snow in Connecticut, where I live and work. This year, I decided I was going to splurge and get snow tires, which I have not done in the past due to the hassle and expense. What a difference it has made in my level of anxiousness about winter driving! I am no longer so concerned about the weather report week to week and if I will have to drive on a day they are predicting snow.

Interestingly, we have had a much milder winter in our area so far so I haven't had to put them to the test just yet. Despite this, having them on has given me peace of mind so I am not so concerned about the weather conditions this winter.

Being prepared in this way, and seeing the impact on reducing my anxiousness about the unpredictability of winter weather, made me think about the benefits of being prepared for a speaking or performing event.

Some people underprepare and try to wing it, and this can leave them more anxious ahead of time or during an event (similar to not having the proper tires for a snow event and feeling you can more easily slip and slide around). On the other hand, some people do a lot of over-preparation, which is very time consuming and unnecessary (similar to putting chains or studs on snow tires to deal with moderately snowy conditions).

When you have an event that you should be prepared for (and even for regular meetings or introductions), it is usually very helpful to prepare to a healthy degree, more or less depending upon the situation. Being prepared gives you a feeling of standing on more solid ground and is well worth the time and effort to reduce anxiousness and give you more peace of mind about a situation in which you have to speak or perform.

FYI...

Several people have asked me about my coaching and if I work with clients who have issues they'd like to discuss beyond the fear of public speaking and performing. Yes, I do! While many clients seek me out to work on their stage fright issues, quite a few have continued to do coaching with me around other life issues as well. I enjoy the coaching work I do and I'd be happy to help you with the fear of public speaking or performing as well as other issues you may want to talk over with me. Given my work as a therapist working with clients who have a range of life challenges, I'm very comfortable discussing issues beyond the challenges you may have with speaking or performing. Please reach out to me if you'd like my help and I'd be very happy to meet with you via phone, Skype, Face Time (or in-office, if you're local).

The Next Workshop:

The next Getting Over Stage Fright workshop will be held on May 14-15th, 2016. Please be sure to sign up soon so you can benefit from an Early Registration discount (good through April 1st) and we can be sure to hold a spot for you. I hope you'll be able to join us for a very positive and powerful weekend.

The workshop is a truly valuable experience and I hope you'll consider attending (or coming again, if you've already attended, as some others have done in taking the workshop two or more times for reinforcement). Here are some comments from a couple group members from past workshops. I hope that hearing about the positive experience of others will help you feel inspired to attend.

You can find more information about the workshop at https://www.performanceanxiety.com/upcoming_workshop.htm

"This workshop totally changed the way I have perceived and handled my public speaking anxiety. I had several epiphanies over the two days that I know will finally stop my avoidance behavior and get to work on building upon the foundation gained here. It was a huge breakthrough for me and feel it will be the catalyst for change and improvement in many aspects of my life, not just public speaking. I would highly recommend this program!"

K.B., VP of Sales

"I could not be happier that I decided to attend this workshop. It has been so incredibly helpful! The tools we learned are by far the most useful parts of the workshop. It was really helpful that we had so many opportunities to practice them." M.S, Attorney

See http://www.performanceanxiety.com/testimonials.htm

to read more comments about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear.

Striving for Authenticity rather than Perfection

A couple of themes that came up repeatedly during this last workshop (and many other workshops in the past) related to perfectionism and the tendency to compare ourselves to others. Interestingly, both of these issues relate to what I call "ego concerns", in this case getting caught up with trying to prove yourself or look good to others (rather than being focused on your true purpose and not making it about you).

Striving for perfection is clearly an example of making a speaking or performing event about yourself. No one in your audience needs (or even wants) you to be perfect. They can't even relate to you when you are consumed with trying to be a perfect person. An audience does not want you to use an event to try to prove your worth to them or to yourself. They want you to care more about them and conveying your subject matter than you care about what they think of you.

One of the participants in the last workshop gave me permission to share his "70% rule" as an antidote to perfectionism. He is a professor at an esteemed university where there are very high expectations placed upon him (in addition to his own expectations). Rather than hold a very high bar for himself to achieve his absolute best, he takes the pressure off himself and sets the bar lower, to a "good enough" level. He calls it his 70% rule where he shoots for 70% of his capability and anything above that is a bonus.

Many people in the workshop found this to be a very helpful rule to adopt to take the pressure off by not trying to aim for perfection. Interestingly, not only do we feel better, but we often do better when we lower the bar a bit as it allows us to relax some of the self-induced pressure that comes with creating a high bar for ourselves.

Another theme that arose was comparisons to others who we feel are doing a good job with speaking or performing. When we compare in this way, it tends to make us feel like we are falling short in the eyes of others (and even in our own eyes). We end up making someone else's ability to communicate or perform well a bad reflection on us, leaving us feeling lacking in some way. Again, we end up making the event about us and whether or not we are measuring up to some outer standard.

The antidote to comparisons (as well as perfectionism) is to practice self-acceptance and striving to be authentic. If others are communicating or performing in a way that you admire, rather than judging yourself badly relative to them, you can notice what you find most effective and try to incorporate it into your style. While it is always good to strive for improvement, it is equally important to accept who you are and to communicate or perform in your own unique style.

It is very freeing when we take the pressure off ourselves by letting go of perfectionism and comparisons with others. Instead, we need to hold a reasonable standard for ourselves and aim to express ourselves in an authentic way. While it is good to strive for improvement, we also need to practice self-acceptance each step along the way and ease up on the performance pressure we put on ourselves.

Action Steps:

1. Reflect on your vision for the new year around public speaking or performing and the goals that will help you achieve this vision. Consider how you will be more accountable to make this vision happen and take the action steps you need to take. Also reflect on the kinds of questions you tend to ask yourself and commit to asking yourself more empowering questions related to public speaking or performing and in all areas of your life.

2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop and/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com

if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Nancy at nancy@performanceanxiety.com with any questions about the workshop.

3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s) and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work.

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I send my heartfelt thanks to you for being a part of our

In The Spotlight community. I hope to have the opportunity to help you make progress with your speaking or performing challenges this year. Please be sure to contact me if you would like my help.

Warm wishes,

Janet

Janet Esposito, M.S.W.

In The Spotlight

PO Box 494

Bridgewater, CT06752

860-210-1499

jesposito@performanceanxiety.com

www.performanceanxiety.com

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