Thinking Like a Grown Up

It is amazing how fear, and other strong negative emotions, can trigger us to think and feel like helpless, powerless children rather than our rational, capable adult selves. This is because a more primitive part of the brain (the amygdala) is strongly activated and we react more from a fight or flight (or freeze) mode at those times. When we are in this mode and feeling very threatened, we think and feel in a more primitive, childlike way based on survival than in a way based on adult perception and reasoning.

In order to pull ourselves out of this regression, we need to consciously and deliberately engage the rational part of our brain (the cortex) by trying to see things through our adult eyes. The mature adult mind is able to see things more realistically and objectively. It is able to think rationally, problem solve and be adaptive. It is able to see things in their proper perspective. It is able to take things in stride and not overreact to a given situation.

To help ourselves connect with our adult mind, we need to slow down our emotional reactivity. It helps to take some slow, deep breaths and try to take a step back from our situation so we can see it more clearly. It helps to remind ourselves that our fear is distorting the reality and making it seem even scarier than it truly is.

It also helps to consider how you would view the situation if someone else were experiencing it (e.g., a friend or colleague), as we often are able to see things more clearly and objectively when we detach a bit from our direct personal experience. When we get some distance from our strong emotions in this way, we can perceive the reality more clearly rather allowing our emotions to distort and magnify the situation in our minds.

It is important that you don't succumb to fear and allow it to render you helpless. You need to try to access your adult self as quickly as you can, as that is your most reliable barometer of the true reality of your situation. Sometimes it is helpful to write down one list of what the fear is telling you (the more regressed, childlike perceptions of your situation) and another list of what the truth is (the more mature, reality-based perceptions of your adult mind).

While the truth may still make you nervous, it is almost always more benign than the stories we conjure up when we allow our fearful, regressed mind to lead the way.

That regressed, frightened child part of us often needs some reassurance from the more mature, adult side of us. Try to reassure that part of you as you would a frightened child who needs to know that a caring, supportive adult is present and that things will be okay. If you are anchored more in your adult self, you will see that no matter how challenging the situation may be, you truly will be okay, no matter what happens.

Bring your adult self with you when you are facing a speaking or performing challenge and reassure the child part of you that he or she does not have to handle this responsibility and that it is your job to do as an adult. You may even want to imagine leaving the child part of you at home when you go out to do a presentation or performance (or leave him or her at the door before you enter the room).