In The SpotLight!

September, 2015

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"Your interpretation of an embarrassing incident is going to be worse than the reality of how people saw it." Mark Leary, Ph.D.

Note from Janet

Ouch...I saw a couple of recent negative reviews on my books on Amazon when I looked at the ratings a few days ago. While the great majority of my reviews are very positive, it still doesn't feel good whenever my books (or I) get criticized. The good news is I get over the sting much more quickly than in the past and I'm able to keep things in perspective in seeing that the positives far outweigh the negatives.

Having said that, I'd love to have some more positive reviews of my books on Amazon, especially given the more recent reviews have been negative and some readers are strongly influenced by negative reviews. If you've found one or both of my books helpful and haven't done a review yet, I'd greatly appreciate if you would take the time to do one on Amazon (or two, if you have read both books).

I'd also like to share with you two resources on stage fright. The first is an article that I was interviewed for (along with other experts on the topic) for the Theater Bay Area web site. The second is for an NPR recording on the topic of stage fright. Enjoy!

http://www.theatrebayarea.org/news/news.asp?id=238565

http://wnpr.org/post/stage-fright-feels-awful

Several people have recently asked me about my coaching and if I work with clients who have issues they'd like to discuss beyond the fear of public speaking and performing. Yes, I do! While many clients seek me out to work on their stage fright issues, quite a few have continued to do coaching with me around other life issues as well. I enjoy the coaching work I do and I'd be happy to help you with the fear of public speaking or performing as well as other issues you may want to talk over with me. Given my work as a therapist working with clients who have a range of life challenges, I'm very comfortable discussing issues beyond the challenges you may have with speaking or performing. Please reach out to me if you'd like my help and I'd be very happy to meet with you via phone, Skype, Face Time (or in-office, if you're local).

The Next Workshop:

The next Getting Over Stage Fright workshop will be held October 3-4^th. I encourage you to sign up as soon as you can so we hold a spot for you. I hope you will be able to join us for a very positive and powerful weekend!

The workshop is a truly valuable experience and I hope you will consider attending (or coming again, if you have already attended, as some others have done in taking the workshop two or more times for reinforcement). Here are some comments from a couple of group members from past workshops. I hope that hearing about the positive experience of others will help you feel inspired to attend.

You can find more information about the workshop at

https://www.performanceanxiety.com/upcoming_workshop.htm

"This workshop totally changed the way I have perceived and handled my public speaking anxiety. I had several epiphanies over the two days that I know will finally stop my avoidance behavior and get to work on building upon the foundation gained here. It was a huge breakthrough for me and feel it will be the catalyst for change and improvement in many aspects of my life, not just public speaking. I would highly recommend this program!"

K.B., VP of Sales

"I could not be happier that I decided to attend this workshop. It has been so incredibly helpful! The tools we learned are by far the most useful parts of the workshop. It was really helpful that we had so many opportunities to practice them." M.S, Attorney

See http://www.performanceanxiety.com/testimonials.htm to read more comments about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear.

Rethinking Embarrassment

I was reviewing an article on embarrassment by Erin Zammett Ruddy that I'd seen in the October/November 2014 issue of the Dr. Oz magazine. I thought this would be a perfect topic for my newsletter as the fear of embarrassment is such a consistent, and persistent, fear for those of us who have stage fright.

First, a few interesting tidbits from the article:

"It is helpful to remind yourself that everyone feels embarrassment-well, everyone except babies...the self-conscious emotions don't kick in until around 18 to 24 months of age..."

"After that, everyone feels it, but some people embarrass more easily than others. There are actual brain differences in those more mortified folks."

"... a recent study...found that people who show embarrassment are considered by others to be more generous, trustworthy, and cooperative...builds on previous research that showed a link between how embarrassed someone tends to be and their likeability."

"To recover your composure as quickly as possible...start by giving in...As soon as the emotion is brought on, tell yourself, OK, I'm embarrassed now - and let it happen. MRI research shows that just acknowledging what your state of mind is and naming it decreases your brain activity in the emotion-generating systems."

"... what if you find yourself replaying the mortifying moment a week after it happened? ...make it a funny story for friends so the feelings don't fester...Bring it up and talk about it, laugh about it, and let openness help you move past it."

So, what are the take-aways from this article that may help us cope with embarrassment when it arises in a speaking or performing situation (or in any situation for that matter)?

First, normalize embarrassment as a universal human emotion and try to accept your humanness (and vulnerability) when you feel this way. Name and acknowledge to yourself what is happening as neutrally as possible, which will help you to accept it. Try not to overreact to feeling this way as it will only serve to amplify the feeling (i.e., feeling embarrassed about feeling/showing embarrassment).

Accept that your nervous system may be prone to feeling (and possibly showing) embarrassment more than some others. Try not to be upset or frustrated with yourself for this or compare yourself with others or how you think you should be. That is a formula for feeling even worse.

Remember that embarrassment is an emotion based in self-consciousness and is strongly connected with our ego and pride. The more you focus on yourself and your discomfort with what has happened, the more you will feed embarrassment. Instead, try to shift your attention off yourself (and on to your purpose) and practice humility to get past the bruise to your ego and pride that may have just occurred.

It is important to recover as quickly as you can from the embarrassing moment and not create a story of shame and humiliation from what just happened, as that will give the experience way too much power to define (and limit) you. Instead of isolating and nursing your wounds, share it with some trusted others, make light of it, laugh about it, and put it in its proper perspective...and get over it as quickly as you can. Refuse to drag this with you for days, weeks, months or years to come.

There is something called a "consolidation window" of about six hours after a distressing or potentially traumatic experience occurs when memories are being stored and strengthened in the brain. Many of us have likely stored memories of embarrassing moments with speaking or performing in ways that feel shameful, and even traumatic, by ruminating on the embarrassing or difficult experience in a very negative way.

It is important to change that going forward and not make embarrassing moments seem like such a dreaded or traumatic experience in our minds. We need to try to lighten up and not take our situation or ourselves so seriously. We need to put proper perspective on what has happened with an eye on being resilient and bouncing back from the experience as quickly as possible.

This makes me think of two examples of resiliency I always think about when the topic of embarrassment/public humiliation comes up: Bill Clinton and Martha Stewart. While I'm sure they each has their share of embarrassing feelings in response to their situations, it's inspiring to see how each of them bounced back more strongly than ever and seemed to get widespread acceptance and forgiveness.

Which goes back to the last point I'll make on this topic: while most of us are fearful that we'll be judged harshly and lose acceptance and respect from others if they see our vulnerability when we're feeling fearful or embarrassed (or both), it seems that others are far more accepting and forgiving than we give them credit for. We seem to be the harsh judges and critics of ourselves when we're feeling (showing) embarrassment and vulnerability.

Thankfully, this is something we can change when we rethink our response and choose to be more accepting and forgiving toward ourselves. It is helpful to remind ourselves that we haven't committed a crime or other heinous act when we feel (show) fear or embarrassment and we deserve kindness, compassion and forgiveness toward ourselves when we experience these feelings.

Action Steps:

1. Reconsider your thoughts about embarrassment and any memories of embarrassing moments you have had with speaking or performing in the past. Practice the guiding principles to rethinking embarrassment so you learn to rebound more quickly when it happens and not allow it to take such hold on you in the future.

2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop and/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Nancy at nancy@performanceanxiety.com with any questions about the workshop.

3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s) and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work.

4. Please send me any feedback and suggestions as I greatly value knowing what is most helpful to you and will give consideration to all feedback and suggestions I receive.

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I send my heartfelt thanks to you for being a part of our In The Spotlight community. I hope to have the opportunity to help you make progress with your speaking or performing challenges this year. Please be sure to contact me if you would like my help.

Warm wishes,

Janet

Janet Esposito, M.S.W.

In The Spotlight

PO Box 494

Bridgewater, CT06752

860-210-1499

jesposito@performanceanxiety.com

www.performanceanxiety.com

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