Living Without Fear

This is the title of an article by Christopher Reeve in a recent issue of Spirituality & Health magazine, written shortly before he died. He refers to himself as "a self-confessed control freak going way back to my early childhood." He goes on to describe what happens when we try to control ourselves and our lives, saying, "For so many of us, the source of our fear is the loss of control. But the more we try to control what happens to us, the greater our fear that we're no longer empowered, that there's no safety net, and that dangerous, unexpected things may happen. Ironically, the act of trying to control what happens is what actually robs us of great experiences and diminishes us."

Christopher Reeve certainly faced a very dramatic example of loss of control in one's life and had to learn to let go of the illusion that we really have the ability to control the ultimate outcome of how our lives go. Yes, surely we have a measure of control in the course our lives take. Based on the choices we make day-to-day, we can strongly influence the direction our lives take and increase or decrease probabilities of life events happening or not happening. Yet despite having the ability to strongly influence the course of our lives, we ultimately cannot control the exact outcomes and how things beyond our control will affect what ultimately unfolds.  

Many people who have speaking and performing anxiety have a strong fear of loss of control and a fear of others seeing them not in control. Our society tends to fuel this fear as our culture often glorifies the image of being in control and equates that with confidence and strength, and the image of loss of control with vulnerability and weakness. And we readily buy into these ideas and often see ourselves as "weak" when we are not feeling or behaving in an optimal state of control, especially when it is in the public view in a speaking or performing situation. 

I completely understand this feeling as I have lived it and I know it is not easy to go against the beliefs so deeply ingrained in us that to have control is good and to not have control is bad. Yet, I also know that the more we worry about losing control - especially fearing if people detect this through seeing any outward signs of anxiousness - the more fearful we become.

When we try to gain control over our primitive fear reaction, and the bodily symptoms that go along with that, by trying to stop it from happening, we feed a vicious cycle where our attempts to control ourselves lead to feelings of helplessness and loss of control, which then fuel more fear and more symptoms.

So, the only way to break the cycle is to learn how to let go of the need to control - and the fear of loss of control - when this fear reaction gets triggered. No easy thing - I know that first-hand, believe me. I too am "a self-confessed control freak", though I am light-years beyond where I was when I was in the throes of my speaking anxiety. 

To learn to let go of the need to control so strongly and tightly requires an act of faith and trust - that things will be okay; that you will be able to handle whatever happens; and that no real harm will come your way even if things don't go as you wish and even if some people judge you for it. It requires a more positive, optimistic view that things will turn out all right, no matter what the outcome. 

We need to continue to challenge our negative perceptions and doubting inner voice that distort the reality and fuel our worry that things will not be okay and that we risk losing respect and dignity each time we step up to speak or perform.

As Christopher Reeve puts it, "Our capabilities go way beyond our understanding. Trust in that and go forward. Get past the clutter, the noise inside you that says, 'I can't, I can't, I'm not good enough, I don't feel like it, I'm sick, I don't want to.' That is just like static on a radio. Just clear the channel, find good reception, and you'll be amazed by what you can do."