A Personal Note From Janet

I attended a conference last month with a presenter who is a highly regarded author and speaker in the field of psychology. I wanted to share a few things that I found interesting, both in what he said and in my observations of him as a speaker. 

He was quite candid in his self-disclosure at times and noted that he is basically a shy person, yet is able to embrace both his inherent shyness and his ability to also be in the public eye as a speaker. While these are contradictory parts of his personality, he is able to accept and allow expression to both sides of his personal disposition instead of trying to force himself to be more consistently one way or the other. 

He spoke of how we tend to "disconnect, disown, and devalue" certain parts of ourselves that we deem unacceptable (this has been referred to as "the shadow" part of ourselves, which we would rather not have as part of who we are and not have others see about us). He said that we came into this world as a full, "360 degree self" and that we slowly but surely began to experience a diminished sense of self as we responded to cues from our families, schools, and culture regarding what is or isn't approved of and accepted by others. We internalized these messages and it became a lens through which we have viewed ourselves - we then became the ultimate judge of what is acceptable and unacceptable in ourselves. 

He suggested that we need to create an "Inclusive Self" which invites that shadow part of ourselves back in and makes room for all parts of ourselves, including the contradictions and the seemingly less valued or unacceptable parts. We need to let go of the shaming messages we have internalized about what is okay or not okay to feel and to be - relative to others or relative to some cultural or personal ideal. Instead, we need to allow and accept all parts of ourselves as an expression of who we are and to realize that experiencing the whole spectrum is a normal, natural part of being human. 

When I think of how this has applied to me, and to the people I have worked with who have speaking or performing anxiety, it seems that an overriding theme I see is the wish to be (and to be seen as) consistently strong, in-control, calm, cool, and collected and to not feel (or be seen as) anxious, vulnerable, weak, or lacking control - both in speaking and performing and often in life as a whole. It seems that many of us try to disown any feelings of weakness, vulnerability, anxiety and fear, and any other emotion that leads us to feel some loss of strength and control. 

We certainly don't want to feel these things but, even worse, is for others to see this side of us, especially in a situation that doesn't legitimately evoke these feelings. (Most of us could tolerate showing people our fear and feelings of vulnerability if our lives were just threatened or if we had some other justifiable cause for losing our cool.) 

It seems our society idealizes the feeling of being (or at least appearing) confident and in-control and associates this image with success, power, and status. And, heaven-forbid, if we are not feeling or displaying the cultural ideal, we often feel a sense of shame and embarrassment about ourselves and feel lacking in some major way. Clearly, by now, we have internalized these messages and have become the inner critic and judge in our own heads - feeling frustrated, angry, disappointed, and generally bad about ourselves whenever we feel we are not measuring up to this cultural (and personal) ideal - at least in the speaking or performing arena.

So, what do we do? Well, we need to challenge whatever messages we have internalized about what is good/bad or right/wrong to feel and to be. Instead, we need to honor who we are in all of our complexity - weak/strong, confident/not confident, calm/anxious, in-control/not in-control. We need to give permission to, and include, all parts of ourselves, saying it is okay to be this...and it is okay to be that. Inclusion of all of the disowned, devalued, and contradictory parts of ourselves makes space for a broader sense of self that is more self-accepting and open to all that exists within us, without casting judgment about what is worthy of approval or disapproval. 

Notice how much self-judgment and disapproval you give yourself when you perceive you are not measuring up to your internalized standards of what is good/right to feel or to be. See if you can move the negative judgment aside and allow yourself to include this previously disallowed and devalued part of you with a willing acceptance and appreciation of your complexity as a person. It is a much more fulfilling and growth-enhancing pursuit to fully embrace and unconditionally accept and appreciate ourselves in the full range of our human experience than it is to judge ourselves when we don't conform to some idealized image. 

We seem to want only what we perceive to be "the good" parts of us and to cast aside what we deem as "not good". Instead, it is a much more relaxed and enjoyable journey when we make our way back to our wholeness and completeness as a full "360 degree" person and create an inner world that is nonjudgmental and accepting of all parts of us.

One last thing regarding my impressions of the speaker. While I got value out of a small portion of his talk (the part I shared with you took about 20 minutes of a full day presentation), the rest of his talk was just okay (I felt this way myself and also heard some other people share this impression). While I noticed feeling a bit disappointed that I did not get more value from the presentation, I also noticed that it didn't really matter and that I, and others, went on with the business of life no matter what our experience of the presenter was. I found it interesting that even someone who is well regarded as a speaker may not meet up to the expectations that can be projected onto him or her from having such a reputation. But in the end, so what? 

We tend to feel we have to meet up to peoples' expectations for us and we often fear letting people down, but in the end, the business of life goes on. And, even if this one nugget of information that he shared is helpful to me and to some of you, that made the whole day worthwhile.

Letting Go Of Our "Shoulds" And "Shouldn'ts"

I am currently reading a book called Loving What Is, by Byron Katie and I am finding it interesting to see how the author addresses the issue of what causes our inner pain and turmoil when things aren't happening the way we think they "should" happen. It seems we get very attached to our own expectations of how things should be and we tend to feel stressed, anxious, frustrated, and even depressed when "things" (ourselves, others, circumstances, life itself) are not conforming to our expectations and assumptions about how the world should work (according to us of course). 

Katie (as she is referred to) says she has learned the futility of arguing with reality and has learned to be "a lover of reality" instead. She has learned to fully accept and embrace reality on its terms, rather than impose her own ideas on what should and shouldn't be. She challenges peoples' expectations (their "shoulds"), and sees them as "a lie" when these "shoulds" contradict what the true reality of the situation is. 

She says, "In reality, there is no such thing as a 'should' or 'shouldn't.' These are only thoughts we impose onto reality." Using a process of four simple questions (which she calls "inquiry"), she gets you to examine the very foundation upon which your expectations and beliefs rest and to consider letting go of these "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts". Instead, she encourages you to embrace the truer reality that reflects the way things really are rather than how you would like them to be. See www.performanceanxiety.com/books_tapes.htm if interested in learning more about her book or visit Katie's web site at www.thework.org to learn more about her work.

Of course we can find many examples of our "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" when it comes to our speaking or performing anxiety. Do any of these sound familiar (you can substitute your own garden variety):

* "I should be able to speak (perform) without feeling so afraid."

* "I should be like other people who aren't so fearful of this."

* "My performance should be more consistent - sometimes I feel more confident and other times I am filled with fear."

* "This shouldn't have to be so hard."

*"I should be able to get over this already.  What is wrong with me?"

Each time we create these "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" in our thinking, Katie says we are arguing with reality and the truth about the way things really are. She refers to this type of thinking as "stories" we create around how we think things should be (or shouldn't be) in our own lives and the lives of others. She notes how stressed and upset we often become when reality doesn't coincide with our stories. 

The key is to give up our expectations and stories and live in the reality as it exists, allowing and accepting things as they are rather than arguing with what is. She is not implying that you passively submit and give up all attempts to steer your life in a positive direction. She is simply suggesting a pathway to finding peace of mind by accepting (and embracing) rather than resisting the truth of how things are and not trying to control what is not within our control. If we did this, our "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" would turn into something along the lines of:

* "I feel afraid many (all) times when I speak or perform in public." (no judgment, no frustration)

* "I am more afraid of speaking (performing) than some (many) people." (no judgment, no frustration)

* "My performance is often variable - sometimes I feel more confident and other times I am filled with fear." (no judgment, no frustration)

*"I often find this whole thing hard to deal with." (no judgment, no frustration)

* "I continue to deal with this fear and I don't know the course it will take in the future." (no judgment, no frustration)

As you can see, this method is just about stating the facts as they are, without judgment that it is wrong to be the way it is. It is simply observing what is and allowing reality to be as it is, rather than as we think it should be. This is not, of course, to say that we are happy about the way certain things are or that we like having our difficulties. It is simply being willing to accept the truth in a non-judgmental, non-reactive way.

It is certainly a less stressful approach to living (as well as a less stressful approach to our speaking/performing challenges), and well worth considering as a way to free ourselves of all of the self-judgments we make and inner distress we create about having this challenge.