In The SpotLight!

September, 2014

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"Courage isn't the absence of fear; it's the willingness to take action while being afraid."

CJ Hayden

Personal Note from Janet

I had an interesting experience recently when I went to take a look at my In the Spotlight book on Amazon. Every so often I look at my page to see if any new reviews have been posted and I am always delighted if I see another positive review come though (not only to boost my rankings on Amazon, but also to know my book was helpful to yet another person struggling with this fear). I also do this with my Getting Over Stage Fright book as well.

Well, this time when I went to take a look at my In the Spotlight reviews I felt like a bee just stung me. I felt stunned as I read the title of the most current review, "She can't write" followed by some harsh criticism ending in "Not worth your time or money". Thankfully, that was the one and only 1 Star review out of 76 reviews (and definitely the harshest one).

As I sat there a moment trying to collect myself, I smiled and thought of the phrase, "The most difficult people and circumstances are our greatest teachers." While I love getting the positive reviews, I knew that this sharp critical review held a big lesson for me and that the reviewer was a teacher of sorts.

It has never been easy for me to accept criticism and judgment, especially if it is harsh and unkind in its delivery. I am sure many people are like this but especially those of us who go out of our way to try to please others and meet up to their expectations of us (at least what we perceive those expectations to be).

The lessons I took from this experience were the following:

- It is okay to get judged and criticized, even harshly and unkindly. It doesn't have to shake my world when it happens.

- I can put judgment and criticism into perspective and not dwell on it or give it more weight than it deserves.

- I can choose to give more attention to the positive responses people have toward me and my work and not lose sight of this when any judgment or criticism comes my way.

- I truly can't please everyone and there are people who may find fault with me, not matter what efforts I make to do a good job.

- It is important to learn to take judgment and criticism in stride and realize it really can't hurt me unless I allow it by taking it personally.

What about you? How do you respond to judgment and criticism? Instead of trying to avoid this from happening by trying to please others all the time, it is far more empowering to know that it is truly up to you to determine how much you take judgment and criticism to heart and allow it to hurt you. You are in charge of how you interpret these experiences and you can use them as catalysts for growth or use them to devalue and second-guess yourself. You get to choose the meaning you give to them.

By the way, while I did learn some important life lessons from this experience, I must admit I much prefer the positive reviews. So, if you found my In the Spotlight book (or my Getting Over Stage Fright book) helpful to you, I would welcome and appreciate you sharing your experience on Amazon. J

If you are considering coming to my workshop (or thinking about attending again if you need some further reinforcement), I hope you will take action and sign up very soon for the next one. I would love to help you further, either by working with you in a workshop and/or doing some personal coaching with you. It is hard to go this road alone and it is amazing how much progress you can make when you have the proper support in place.

A Few Things to Note...

The next Getting Over Stage Fright workshop is being planned for October 4-5th. I encourage you to sign up as soon as possible if you are interested in attending. Once we fill the workshop we will be creating a waiting list, so act now if you know you want to attend to be sure to hold a spot for yourself.

The workshop is a truly valuable experience and I hope you will consider attending (or consider coming again, if you have already attended, as some others have done in taking the workshop two or more times for reinforcement). Here are some comments from a couple of group members from a recent workshop. I hope that hearing about the positive experience of others will help you feel inspired to attend.

"This workshop totally changed the way I have perceived and handled my public speaking anxiety. I had several epiphanies over the two days that I know will finally stop my avoidance behavior and get to work on building upon the foundation gained here. It was a huge breakthrough for me and feel it will be the catalyst for change and improvement in many aspects of my life, not just public speaking. I would highly recommend this program!"

K.B., VP of Sales

"I could not be happier that I decided to attend this workshop. It has been so incredibly helpful! The tools we learned are by far the most useful parts of the workshop. It was really helpful that we had so many opportunities to practice them." M.S, Attorney

You can find more information about the workshop at

http://www.performanceanxiety.com/upcoming_workshop.htm.

See http://www.performanceanxiety.com/testimonials.htm

to read about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear.

One final thing: I would love to receive more inspirational stories of your successes (big or small) for future issues of this newsletter, so please be sure to write me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com and share your positive experiences to help inspire others. Also, I would love to receive other helpful and inspiring resources - books, CDs, videos, web sites - so I can pass along this helpful information to others. My heartfelt thanks to you for contributing to our In The Spotlight community!

Pure Inspiration

This column is devoted to sharing stories of success and inspiration with others. If you have a success you would like to share with our newsletter community, please forward a paragraph or two to me with your first name (disguised if you feel the need for more anonymity) and job title and/or the field you work in and I will include it in a future newsletter. We can all be inspired by stories of success and victory, and it is a way for all of us to celebrate the courage, commitment, and effort we are putting forth to get beyond the limitations of this fear.

Here is an inspirational story from a client who had an individual coaching session with me and then took my workshop last year. He gave me permission to share his message to the group:

Hello all,

I hope all is well and that you are enjoying your summer. I would like to briefly share a success story with you.

I gave a five-minute talk in front of an audience of 300 people this evening. It was by far the largest group that I have ever been in front

There were times that I knew that I could do the presentation; there were other times that I felt unsure.

Things that helped me:

Reviewing Janet's books and refreshing my memory with things I had picked out that I felt would help me.

Meditating and visualizing the speaking event

I used " no guts, no glory" as my mantra

Connecting with the audience. During the reception (before my talk); I struck up conversations with several people whom I did not know. To my surprise, this relaxed me a little.

Riding the wave, not fearing the fear. I didn't try to stop the anxiety, I let it come, accepted it; and let it wash away. This was a pleasant surprise, because I think this was the first time I "got" this concept and how it works.

I watched the video from the workshop several times. The positive feedback from you guys in the group gave me a BIG shot of confidence.

Best regards,

Dave

Tips from the Navy Seals

I was recently reading an article by Kathryn Wallace in O magazine that was called, "Stress Relief, Navy SEAL-Style". In describing the Navy SEALs, the article stated that they are "known for handling many of the military's riskiest missions, operate under extremely taxing conditions, but are among the most resilient members of the armed forces.

I think we can all learn a few lessons from the Navy SEALs as we navigate our way through the challenges of public speaking or performing.

Here are 4 Key Tips for Increasing Your Fear and Stress Resilience:

Prep for Battle:

"Instead of wasting energy by catastrophizing about stressful situations, SEALs spend hours in mental dress rehearsals before springing into action..."

While we often react to speaking or performing situations as though we are going into battle, that is actually catastrophizing the situation and making it far worse in our minds than it really is. Rather than mentally rehearse visions of doom and gloom and project worst case scenarios, it is much better to mentally rehearse handling any of the challenges that could come up adeptly and with ease.

Talk Yourself Up:

"Positive self-talk is quite possibly the most important skill these warriors learn during their 15-month training...The most successful SEALs may not have the biggest biceps or the fastest mile, but they know how to turn their negative thoughts around..."

This is clearly an extremely important skill to develop when facing any difficult challenges. It takes focus and persistence to develop this skill. The mind naturally gravitates to the negative when it is feeling threat (there is actually something called "a negativity bias" that is part of our survival mechanism to scope out danger) but it does not serve us when we are facing challenges that require a mindset that empowers us rather than leaves us feeling helpless and overwhelmed. Practice being your own best friend in the way you speak to yourself in all situations, though especially during the toughest times.

Embrace the Suck:

"When the weather is foul and nothing is going right, that's when I think, Now we're getting someplace...encourages recruits to power through the times when they're freezing, exhausted, or discouraged...the suckiest moments are when most people give up; the resilient one spots a golden opportunity...It's one thing to be an excellent athlete when the conditions are perfect...But when the circumstances are not so favorable, those who have stronger wills are more likely to rise to victory."

It seems our "suckiest" times are when we are filled with fear and anxiety and are feeling we are losing our grip. Those are the times that are our golden opportunities. Rather than give up on yourself and feel defeated by your inner torment, that is the time you can keep going despite the obstacles and not give in to feelings of helplessness and discouragement. While we would all like to feel confident and at ease when we speak or perform, it is when we do so in the midst of feeling a lot of fear and anxiety that we have the opportunity to build the inner strength to move forward in the hardest of times, just as the Seals do.

Take a Deep Breath

"Meditation and deep breathing help...Practice what the SEALs call 4x4x4 breathing. Inhale deeply for four counts, then exhale for four counts, and repeat the cycle for four minutes several times a day. You're guaranteed to feel calmer on any battleground."

While I don't want to reinforce a battleground imagery related to speaking or performing, it is noteworthy to hear that the SEALs use meditation and deep breathing to calm their nervous systems and help prepare for true threat and danger. It makes sense to practice deep breathing on a regular basis so that it comes more naturally and easily to you when your nervous system is on high alert. And, while the article didn't elaborate on the SEALs doing meditation, I strongly encourage you to create a regular meditation practice. Stay tuned for more about this in a future newsletter.

So, the lessons in all of this seem to be that you can meet feelings of threat and challenge in a way that either strengthens you or debilitates you. See if you can think and act like a Navy SEAL the next time you are faced with a speaking or performing situation and choose to approach the situation with these tips in mind so you can use this challenge to build inner strength and fortitude.

**A Request for Support**

Recently someone had emailed me about my work and had made a couple comments that got me thinking that I need to ask for more support from our In The Spotlight community. While he affirmed the good work that I am doing, he noted that there have been very few Amazon book reviews in recent years on either of my books (In The Spotlight or Getting Over Stage Fright) and also noted that I have relatively few followers on Facebook. So many people have told me how helpful my books and my work have been to them. So, in the spirit of asking for support for my work, I would greatly appreciate it if you would write a review of one or both of my books on Amazon and/or friend me on Facebook (you will find FB link earlier in the newsletter) if you have found my work to be helpful to you. Thank you for any support you can give to me by allowing others to know that my work has been helpful to you in some way.

Action Steps:

1. Reflect on how you respond to judgment and criticism (or even the thought of this happening to you). Consider how you can shift any self-diminishing interpretations so you do not give your power away to others. Also, consider how you can use the 4 tips from the Navy SEALs to build more strength and courage as you face the challenges of public speaking or performing.

2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop and/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com

if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Mary at mary@performanceanxiety.com with any questions about the workshop.

3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s)

and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work.

4. Please send me any feedback and suggestions as I greatly value knowing what is most helpful to you and will give consideration to all feedback and suggestions I receive.

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I hope to have the opportunity to help you make further progress with your speaking or performing challenges this year. Please be sure to contact me if you would like my help.

Warm wishes,

Janet

Janet Esposito, M.S.W.

In The Spotlight

PO Box 494

Bridgewater, CT06752

860-210-1499

jesposito@performanceanxiety.com

www.performanceanxiety.com

Janet's Books and CD

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