In The SpotLight!

July, 2014

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"Repeating a new behavior is what makes change stick. When you repeat a new pattern often, you literally change the neural pathways in your brain. This shift helps true change settle in." Gabrielle Bernstein

Personal Note from Janet

I recently held my 73^rd Getting Over Stage Fright workshop and it was another wonderful experience for the group participants and for myself. People are always curious to meet others who have this fear. They are amazed when they discover what incredible people also have this fear - bright, capable, accomplished, and very likable people. It is so helpful for group members to hear the stories of those who have been through similar experiences and to feel a strong bond by being deeply understood by people who really get what you are going through.

People were surprised to hear how anxious others were feeling while they were doing a speaking or performing practice exercise. It seemed hard for group members to believe how they, and others, looked much better than they felt inside. This has been a consistent finding in all of my workshops throughout the years, which is further validated when people see their videos and realize they look better (and sometimes far better) than they thought.

This is a reminder to all of us that our symptoms are much more obvious to us than they are to others. This is true even when in a group of people who are keenly aware of symptoms people may show and who are more apt to notice signs of fear and anxiety in others (i.e., at the workshop). For people who do not suffer from this type of fear, it is not even on their radar screen.

At this last workshop, the group was also surprised to see one group member in particular attending the workshop, as he was a very solid presenter. They questioned why he would need a workshop like this, as he seemed to be such a poised and accomplished speaker. He assured the group that he belonged at the workshop, based on some very difficult experiences with speaking in the past and continued anxiety and discomfort while speaking (despite his confident external appearance).

This is another reminder to all of us that you just never know how someone is really feeling on the inside, even if they appear very solid in their outer presentation. Often we see people like this and think they have it all together and don't have any fear or apprehension about speaking or performing. It is important to always remind ourselves that we never truly know what another person is feeling unless they choose to honestly share that with us. In the meantime, it is best to not make assumptions or idealize those who seem polished on the outside.

If you are considering coming to my workshop (or thinking about attending again if you need some further reinforcement), I hope you will take action and sign up very soon for the next one. I would love to help you further, either by working with you in a workshop and/or doing some personal coaching with you. It is hard to go this road alone and it is amazing how much progress you can make when you have the proper support in place.

A Few Things to Note...

The next Getting Over Stage Fright workshop is being planned for October 4-5th. There are only a few openings left so please sign up as soon as possible if you are interested in attending. Once we fill the workshop we will be creating a waiting list, so act now if you know you want to attend.

The workshop is a truly valuable experience and I hope you will consider attending (or consider coming again, if you have already attended, as some others have done in taking the workshop two or more times for reinforcement). Here are some comments from a couple of group members from a recent workshop. I hope that hearing about the positive experience of others will help you feel inspired to attend.

"This workshop totally changed the way I have perceived and handled my public speaking anxiety. I had several epiphanies over the two days that I know will finally stop my avoidance behavior and get to work on building upon the foundation gained here. It was a huge breakthrough for me and feel it will be the catalyst for change and improvement in many aspects of my life, not just public speaking. I would highly recommend this program!"

K.B., VP of Sales

"I could not be happier that I decided to attend this workshop. It has been so incredibly helpful! The tools we learned are by far the most useful parts of the workshop. It was really helpful that we had so many opportunities to practice them." M.S, Attorney

You can find more information about the workshop at

http://www.performanceanxiety.com/upcoming_workshop.htm.

See http://www.performanceanxiety.com/testimonials.htm

to read about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear.

One final thing: I would love to receive more inspirational stories of your successes (big or small) for future issues of this newsletter, so please be sure to write me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com and share your positive experiences to help inspire others. Also, I would love to receive other helpful and inspiring resources - books, CDs, videos, web sites - so I can pass along this helpful information to others. My heartfelt thanks to you for contributing to our In The Spotlight community!

Pure Inspiration

This column is devoted to sharing stories of success and inspiration with others. If you have a success you would like to share with our newsletter community, please forward a paragraph or two to me with your first name (disguised if you feel the need for more anonymity) and job title and/or the field you work in and I will include it in a future newsletter. We can all be inspired by stories of success and victory, and it is a way for all of us to celebrate the courage, commitment, and effort we are putting forth to get beyond the limitations of this fear.

Here is an inspirational story from a client who had done some individual coaching with me and then took my workshop earlier this year:

Hi Janet,

I'm doing really well, better than I have for a long time with respect to speaking. Somehow over the last few months that nagging fear that I've been carrying around with me for years has lifted. I think the sequence of events was this:

- I realized over last summer that I couldn't relax it away. No matter how much I meditated and did yoga, there was still this fear inside me that I needed to get closer in touch with somehow.

- Talking about it with you was very helpful, especially since you have been through it. Slowly it stopped being my own personal problem/shame, and became something that other people had, a shared problem somehow.

- I did a lot of intense journaling over the fall and winter. Talking to the fear, exploring how it felt, trying to just be with that sense of fear. There are two sides to it - the inability to control my physical reactions (the panic) and my anticipatory anxiety of that. I came to see how it's just there, just a pattern, a habit I learned. The scariness and shame and all the other negative emotions seemed to lift. It just is what it is and no more.

- Taking the beta blockers definitely put a floor underneath me. It helped me regain my confidence that I can be in control of this, not just a victim.

- Recommitting to consulting work, and a lot of speaking, really helped. I'm speaking all the time now, and comfortable with it.

- The workshop in January was very cathartic, especially being with others who experience this challenge.

Slowly, through all these steps, I've rediscovered that trust inside me that the words will flow, and the automatic worrying that they won't has lifted. I have too much respect for the problem to think that it has just magically disappeared forever, but I do seem to have reached an understanding with it. Most importantly, I'm really enjoying talking and communicating publicly for the first time in years. I'm just, speaking. Hardly preparing at all, just flowing. It's a lovely thing.

So thanks for all of your help.

Matt

Learning to Deal with the Most Common Triggers

There are some common triggers for people with a fear of speaking and performing that I have seen repeatedly over the years. I hear about these triggers over and over at the workshops and with my coaching clients. Often we react to these triggers in ways that fuel the fear. Instead, we have to learn to respond to these triggers in a more conscious way to reduce feelings of threat and intimidation.

One of these triggers is "going around the room". This often happens when we are part of group introductions or meeting updates. Often, when we realize we will be going around the room, it triggers a fear response. This may vary in degree from feelings of stress and tension to feelings of panic and the wish to flee the room.

One thing that going around the room can trigger is a feeling of being trapped. It feels like the clock is ticking as it gets closer and closer to our turn. We know we are expected to speak (or perform) when our turn comes and we have no choice in the matter, which can lead to a feeling of loss of control and being controlled by others or the situation.

Some things that help people the most when in a "going around the room" situation are:

- Being "a willing spirit": being willing to do whatever is being asked of you rather than resisting it and feeling forced into it

- Accepting the feelings of fear and discomfort rather than fighting with these feelings

- Deep breathing and riding the wave of fear and discomfort (which allows the fear and discomfort to ease more quickly)

- Placing your attention on listening very closely to others rather than making yourself the focus of your own attention

Another trigger that many people react strongly to is a feeling of formality in the speaking or performing environment. This often elicits a feeling that there are higher expectations of you, as well as higher stakes (which may or may not be the case). It may also involve a larger group, which often heightens anxiety for people.

By contrast, when the situation is more casual, it often feels more natural and relaxed. It often feels like the expectations, and the stakes, are not quite so high. It may also involve less people, which many people (though not all) find far less anxiety provoking.

Some things that can help the most in dealing with formality in the speaking or performing situation are:

- Not demonizing "formality" or making it your adversary. Instead, smile and make friends with more formal situations, remembering there is nothing inherently bad (or scary) about a formal speaking or performing situation but, rather, it is the meaning we give to it

- Remembering, it is not about you! When you encounter a formal situation, don't make it a test or proving ground for your credibility and reputation. Take the focus off your perception of higher expectations/higher stakes and, instead, stay focused on your true purpose and being of service to others

- Allowing yourself to be more natural and authentic regardless of the formality of the situation. Try to lighten up a bit and add some good humor where possible. You don't have to become a stiff and rigid automaton because a speaking or performing situation happens to be formal

A final trigger I will mention is having people of "authority" in your audience. This includes people who you perceive to have higher status or power than you. Many times we can feel intimated by the power or authority we associate with these people and feel more is at stake with how we appear to them. (Sometimes there is more at stake though oftentimes we project far more onto these people than is a reflection of the true reality.) We can also project a parental quality onto authority figures, and feel a childlike regression in their presence (leading to a loss of connection with our personal power as an adult).

Many people also feel more threatened when speaking to, or performing, for their peers. They often feel more subject to judgment and possible loss of respect or credibility compared to when they are in front of those who have less perceived power or status than they do.

Whenever we are feeling more threatened by certain people in the audience, it often leads us to feel more pressure to perform and look good (and not look bad). All of this self-concern and self-imposed pressure to prove ourselves quickly spirals the fear and anxiety as well as self-doubt.

Some things that can help the most in dealing with authority figures (or peers) in our audience include:

- Humanizing people in authority or anyone you feel intimidated by. Do not put them on a pedestal and idealize them simply because they may hold some power or authority in certain roles they play in life

- Thinking about this person as a regular person in their home lives and considering what challenges and burdens they may be dealing with in their lives

- Considering the pressures they may be under in the workplace by virtue of having a higher-level position and having more expectations placed on them. Instead of trying to impress them, or trying to not lose credibility and respect in their eyes, see if you can lighten their load by letting them sit back and not have to do the heavy lifting of speaking or performing in that moment. Instead, let it be your gift to them that they can take it easy and not have to be responsible for yet another thing.

**A Request for Support**

Recently someone had emailed me about my work and had made a couple comments that got me thinking that I need to ask for more support from our In The Spotlight community. While he affirmed the good work that I am doing, he noted that there have been very few Amazon book reviews in recent years on either of my books (In The Spotlight or Getting Over Stage Fright) and also noted that I have relatively few followers on Facebook. So many people have told me how helpful my books and my work have been to them. So, in the spirit of asking for support for my work, I would greatly appreciate it if you would write a review of one or both of my books on Amazon and/or friend me on Facebook (you will find FB link earlier in the newsletter) if you have found my work to be helpful to you. Thank you for any support you can give to me by allowing others to know that my work has been helpful to you in some way.

Action Steps:

1. Consider what your triggers are - perhaps the three that I mentioned or some other ones. Create a plan for how you will go about handling your triggers more consciously rather than allow your triggers to lead to automatic, knee-jerk reactions that fuel fear and anxiety.

2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop and/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Mary at mary@performanceanxiety.com with any questions about the workshop.

3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s) and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work.

4. Please send me any feedback and suggestions as I greatly value knowing what is most helpful to you and will give consideration to all feedback and suggestions I receive.

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I hope to have the opportunity to help you make further progress with your speaking or performing challenges this year. Please be sure to contact me if you would like my help.

Warm wishes,

Janet

Janet Esposito, M.S.W.

In The Spotlight

PO Box 494

Bridgewater, CT06752

860-210-1499

jesposito@performanceanxiety.com

www.performanceanxiety.com

Janet's Books and CD

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