"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

-- Carl Rogers

Radical Self-Acceptance

I felt strongly drawn to a book and tape selection called Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach, Ph.D. the minute I read the title (see www.performanceanxiety.com/resources.htm if interested). I found this material to be very interesting and have since taken a few workshops with Tara on Buddhist teachings.

It seems that many of us have difficulty with accepting our imperfect selves. We long to be perfect, flawless, in-control beings with no weaknesses, vulnerabilities, or limitations. We long to be our vision of our ideal selves, or like someone else whom we admire (and/or envy) rather than be our real, imperfect selves.

We often equate imperfection with deficiency and defectiveness. While we often have these feelings in our private lives (the feelings are not always conscious but are often below the surface of our awareness), we more keenly feel the need for our public personas to appear strong, self-assured, and in-control. It terrifies and humiliates us to think that our vulnerabilities (our fear, insecurities, and self-doubt) may be exposed to others in a public way for all to see. (No wonder why we are so afraid that our fear of public speaking or performing will be revealed.)

This seems to be what life is like in a competitive, hard-driving culture like ours, where there is much overt (and covert) value placed on being a strong, tough, unshakable individual. There is far less of a cultural acceptance and compassion for human frailties, which makes it that much harder to accept ourselves when we are not living up to the cultural ideal of unwavering inner strength and control.

Further, some of us have grown up in families where there were explicit (and/or implicit) messages that you had to be smart, tough, and strong (among the smartest and the best) to gain acceptance and approval within the family and within society. Otherwise, you may be subject to disapproval and feelings of rejection. We did not feel permission and support around having human flaws and vulnerabilities, and we came to reject them and find them unacceptable in ourselves.

The author Debbie Ford refers to this part of us as "the shadow self" - which are the disowned parts of us that we find unacceptable and unlovable. We try to run and hide from these parts of ourselves and we go to great lengths to not have these parts of ourselves exposed to others. (Much of this is an unconscious process and it often takes deeper introspection to discover the parts of us that we would rather not have residing inside of us.) If you are interested in learning more about "the shadow self" you can read her book called The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.

It is a curious paradox that before deeper level change is likely to happen, we first need to accept all of who we are and where we are at in our lives (not just "the good stuff") and truly embrace ourselves with self-acceptance, self-love, and self-support. It isamazing what happens when we do this. Our unconditional regard for ourselves is like a healing balm for the soul. It is what our hearts and souls long for. To be able to give this unconditional love and support to ourselves without feelings of shame, embarrassment, or humiliation about our imperfect selves is incredibly liberating and one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves. It is treating ourselves as we would a beloved child and re-parenting ourselves in the healthiest of ways.

What this means is that we need to stop trying to be such perfect, flawless, in-control people. We need to stop being so frustrated, impatient, and angry with ourselves over our imperfections and stop demanding so much of ourselves. We need to stop creating an ideal standard upon which to evaluate and judge ourselves, our self-worth, and our success in life. We need to be willing to befriend ourselves, to get to know and understand ourselves better, and to show compassion, support, acceptance, and love toward ourselves when we are not at our best and not living up to some ideal image that we have created in our minds.

It means letting go of evaluating how successful or unsuccessful we are according to culturally-defined standards and, instead, defining our own (reasonable) standards to live by that hold a deeper truth and meaning for us and that support our wellbeing. Acceptance is key to turning things around as we relax within ourselves and stop the resistance and fight against what is truly there, inside of us.

It doesn't mean that we resign ourselves, get complacent, or lower our standards and expectations in life. It means we are willing to accept what we are experiencing in this moment (even when we are having very uncomfortable, undesirable, and unpleasant feelings), without having to run or fight against our inner experience or turn against ourselves. It means giving ourselves permission for things to be just as they are without heaping shame and humiliation on top of our psyches for our imperfections. It means letting go of the black and white, all or nothing, judgments of things being either good/bad or a success/failure and appreciating more of the richness, complexity, and wholeness of ourselves and our lives.

Take a moment to experience a feeling of deep, heart-felt, unconditional self-acceptance and self-love - a willingness to embrace all parts of your humanness with a loving, compassionate, supportive, accepting spirit. Imagine if you lived your life this way - how the struggle against yourself would dissolve and how much more ease you would feel as you moved through life. Imagine how this would feel when you are facing your challenges with public speaking or performing and notice how this can lighten the burden you are carrying. See if you can try this idea for a day, a week, a month, or perhaps over the coming year...and discover the magic that happens with radical self-acceptance.