In The SpotLight!

November, 2013

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"Egos seek control - control over circumstances, control over the body, and control over the people around us. Power and mastery are what matter to the ego. So, naturally, the ego will resist surrendering...letting go of its agendas, or giving up control on any level." Sally Kempton

Personal Note from Janet

I just had the pleasure of working with another wonderful group of people in my Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop last month. This was my 71^st workshop with almost 800 people attending over the last 15 years.

When I started the group so many years ago, I had no idea it would become such a powerful experience for people, though this has consistently turned out to be the case. One participant captured his experience in the following comment: "Doing this in a group is 1000x more impactful than reading about it, even when the book appears to be written for and about you."

While so many of us have negative associations to groups, as they evoke feelings of fear, anxiety, tension and self-consciousness (if we are put in a position of having to speak or perform), a safe and supportive group setting can also provide a possibility for healing. One thing that is extremely healing for group participants at the workshop is being able to be completely open and honest about their difficult feelings and experiences and no longer feeling so alone with this fear.

Another thing that is healing is to feel deeply understood by others who "get" what we are going through. In this workshop, as in past workshops over the years, people continue to be amazed at the level of accomplishment and success that many others with this fear have achieved. Beyond professional success, though, what is striking is the wonderful personal qualities that so many have: warmth, compassion, friendliness, good humor. Those who have this fear seem to be just downright good people.

I believe that a big part of this fear relates to feeling we need to cover up and keep it a secret. If we lived in a world where we felt safe and supported to openly sharing our true feelings in front of a group or if we simply didn't care about the judgment of others if they saw signs of our vulnerability, we would have far less fear. It is the feeling of having to put on a front to appear calm, cool and collected and fearing we will be found out (and judged negatively) that keeps the fear cycle going.

Having said that, it still amazes people at the workshop that even when group participants report having high levels of fear and anxiety while speaking or performing, it just doesn't show the way they think it does. People have been relieved to know that even if they feel a great deal of fear and anxiety inside of themselves, they can actually look calm, cool and collected (or pretty close to it) on the outside.

If you are considering coming to the workshop (or thinking about attending again if you need some further reinforcement), I hope you will take action and sign up soon for my next workshop. I would love to help you further, either by working with you in a workshop and/or doing some personal coaching with you. It is hard to go this road alone and it is amazing how much progress you can make when you have the proper support in place.

A Few Things to Note...

The next Getting Over Stage Fright workshop is being planned for January 18-19, 2014. Please be sure to sign up as soon as you can, as the time will be here before you know it and we want to be sure to hold a spot for you (we sometimes have waiting lists as the time gets closer). It is also more empowering to take a bold, decisive step rather than vacillate back and forth on the decision.

The workshop is a truly valuable experience and I hope you will consider attending (or consider coming again, if you have already attended, as some others have done in taking the workshop two or more times for reinforcement). Here are some comments from a couple of group members from a recent workshop. I hope that hearing about the positive experience of others will help you feel inspired to attend.

"This workshop totally changed the way I have perceived and handled my public speaking anxiety. I had several epiphanies over the two days that I know will finally stop my avoidance behavior and get to work on building upon the foundation gained here. It was a huge breakthrough for me and feel it will be the catalyst for change and improvement in many aspects of my life, not just public speaking. I would highly recommend this program!"

K.B., VP of Sales

"I could not be happier that I decided to attend this workshop. It has been so incredibly helpful! The tools we learned are by far the most useful parts of the workshop. It was really helpful that we had so many opportunities to practice them." M.S, Attorney

You can find more information about the workshop at

http://www.performanceanxiety.com/upcoming_workshop.htm.

See http://www.performanceanxiety.com/testimonials.htm to read about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear.

One final thing: I would love to receive more inspirational stories of your successes (big or small) for future issues of this newsletter, so please be sure to write me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com and share your positive experiences to help inspire others. Also, I would love to receive other helpful and inspiring resources - books, CDs, videos, web sites - so I can pass along this helpful information to others. My heartfelt thanks to you for contributing to our In The Spotlight community!

Pure Inspiration

This column is devoted to sharing stories of success and inspiration with others. If you have a success you would like to share with our newsletter community, please forward a paragraph or two to me with your first name (disguised if you feel the need for more anonymity) and job title and/or the field you work in and I will include it in a future newsletter. We can all be inspired by stories of success and victory, and it is a way for all of us to celebrate the courage, commitment, and effort we are putting forth to get beyond the limitations of this fear.

Here is an inspirational story from someone who took my workshop within the past year. She wrote me on two separate occasions to share her success since the workshop:

Hi Janet,

I hope this email finds you well. I did a presentation this morning and you were the first person I wanted to tell!

I took vacation days yesterday and Monday and came back to the office today refreshed. At around 9:40am, however, my manager came over to my desk and said, "Julie, for the [team] meeting (in 20 minutes...), I'd like you to give a presentation about the project you have been working on. I looked at him and said, "Today?" after which he simply replied, "Yes, I think it will be nice".

Well, guess what?!! I DID IT! There were about 20-25 people in the room and I did it! I spoke for nearly 30 minutes, was a little bit nervous, rushed a few parts but I remembered to breathe and just trusted myself. I remembered that during our workshop, a few people said I was "methodical, deliberate, etc" so I channeled that, slowed myself down and spoke with confidence. I rode the wave, let my sense of humor out, let myself be nervous, and was natural. It was an amazing feeling.

Interestingly enough, my involvement in the project resulted from putting myself out there....something I went out of my way to avoid, but after taking your workshop, I took small steps to "move to the table" and participated more in meetings. A year ago, I called in sick to avoid having to speak during a team meeting. It was with the same group of people I presented to yesterday(!)

There are a lot of positives to focus on and I am so grateful for yesterday's experience. I will write them all down today so that I have them for my next presentation. I felt the nerves but the charge just wasn't the same.

Attending your workshop was a blessing. Thank you so much for sharing your gift. I am looking forward to my next presentation....never in a million years would I have ever imagined saying that.

Julie

Hi Janet,

I have another update. I got a promotion!

It's short-term, 3 months, but still it's a big step for me. Being in this position is a direct result from attending your workshop....After attending your workshop, I took baby steps just like you mentioned. I avoided less, I made sure to make myself more visible in the office, I spoke up more in meetings, I would put myself out there more and more...not a lot but a little more than I am used to, and then I applied for the assignment. I didn't really want to but knew it was the right move. I didn't get the assignment I applied for but they recommended me for another one(!), can you believe? I just finished my first week - it's challenging, overwhelming, and exciting all at the same time.

I had my first meeting with the team on Wednesday. The only thing I knew about the meeting was that my manager wanted to introduce me to the team....there was no set agenda i.e. I couldn't really prepare and that made me anxious. But guess what....I did it. I handled it and "didn't die of anxiety"....that old pattern of thinking tried to get a foothold but it never really gained traction. I was nervous but I also believed it myself. I told myself to just be myself. In that moment, I gained confidence and I knew it.

I refer a lot to the "Tools to Use for a New Approach" list. It helps me right before meetings. The next 3 months will definitely be challenging but I'm going to give it my all and try my best.

Julie, Human Resource Professional

To Medicate or Not to Medicate...that is the Question

Over the years I have spoken with many coaching clients and workshop participants who struggle with the question of whether or not to use medication for their public speaking or performing anxiety. This topic came up again at last month's workshop.

Many people report that they don't like the idea of using a medication as it feels like a "crutch" and they want to feel like they can do it on their own. Many also feel worried they will become dependent on needing the medication and not be able to do it without it if they become reliant on it.

I have gone through a range of feelings about this issue in my own personal experience. Many years back, before discovering some tools to help myself and others with this fear, I felt a desperate need for medication to be able to speak in front of groups. At that time I felt a tremendous loss of control and didn't feel that I could speak in groups unless I had something to calm down my fight or flight reaction. The medication was a godsend to me and allowed me to stop avoiding as much as I did once I stopped feeling totally panicked while speaking.

Then, after using a range of tools to help myself, I decided to slowly wean myself off of the medication and, instead, to use some natural support with some different herbal and homeopathic remedies and amino acids that are calming to the body. At different points over the years I tried things like Kava, Pharma Gaba, Calm Forte, Rescue Remedy, and L-Theanine. These were helpful to a degree and had a more subtle calming effect on my body. In addition to using the tools that I teach, it seemed like it was working well and I was able to handle any anxiety that came up without too much difficultly. I kept up with this approach for at least ten years.

Then, I went through some stressful experiences, as well as hormonal changes with menopause, and my body became more sensitized again. While I could still manage without medication, using the tools to help my mindset, it took more effort due to the extra sensitization in my body. I recall one specific day that was a turning point for me where I was feeling very anxious and uptight as I was getting ready to start an important radio interview and I thought to myself, "I really want to enjoy this experience rather than having to spend so much effort on calming myself down. Why can't I allow myself to use a beta blocker as many others do rather than having to make this harder on myself than it has to be?"

At that point, I decided to give myself permission to take a small dosage of the beta blocker I used to take (Propranolol) whenever I felt I wanted to, based on my feelings and circumstances. I had a realization about this that was very helpful to me in accepting my decision: I take thyroid medication to treat an underactive thyroid. I fully accept that my thyroid is not working properly (and hasn't been for about 30 years) and that I need medication for this condition. I don't perceive the medication as a "crutch" despite my need for it. I realized I can also acknowledge and admit that my body is not working properly when it comes to my body's sensitization related to public speaking. I can allow myself to take medication, as needed, to correct my body chemistry related to this as well, without having to feel bad about doing this.

Interestingly, when I have taken a very small dose of the medication, I feel like it normalizes something in my body and I feel completely myself again. It allows me to be more in the flow and enjoy my experience with speaking rather than be focused on managing my body symptoms. When I don't use the medication, I know I can handle my body symptoms using the tools I teach and it is light years better than it used to be when I did not have the tools to help myself.

I believe that if I had very regular speaking opportunities each week, if not daily, that my body would eventually desensitize to a large degree. I don't have these opportunities currently in my professional life and, truth be told, I don't feel motivated to seek them out now to prove anything to myself.

As I was reflecting on the issue of medication, it did occur to me that it is our ego that is most conflicted about the idea of taking medication for this as it makes us feel less strong and in control of ourselves. While I grappled with this feeling early on, I have come to accept that I do have a vulnerability in this area and that the medication, in addition to all of the other tools I use, help me to feel much better when I speak in public, and to actually enjoy it for the most part.

Action Steps:

1. Consider your feelings about whether to use medication or not (or natural alternatives) to help yourself with your public speaking or performing fear. Think of what advice you would give a loved one and see if this same advice makes sense for you to follow. If you chose to use medication, be sure to keep practicing the many other tools that help you to better deal with anticipatory anxiety and create a much more positive mindset about speaking or performing. Honor whatever decision you make and know that you can reassess at different points on this journey if your needs or circumstances change.

2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop and/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Mary at mary@performanceanxiety.com with any questions about the workshop.

3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s) and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work.

4. Please send me any feedback and suggestions as I greatly value knowing what is most helpful to you and will give consideration to all feedback and suggestions I receive.

Something else to consider:

Many people have enjoyed being part of a yahoo discussion board that was set up by someone in our newsletter community for people who share the fear of public speaking or performing and want some support and camaraderie. I encourage you to visit this site and post something on the discussion board. It is incredibly helpful to come out of our isolation and aloneness around this fear and to give and receive support with others. The address for this discussion board is

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/speakanxiety.

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I hope to have the opportunity to help you make further progress with your speaking or performing challenges this year. Please be sure to contact me if you would like my help.

Warm wishes,

Janet

Janet Esposito, M.S.W.

In The Spotlight

PO Box 494

Bridgewater, CT06752

860-210-1499

jesposito@performanceanxiety.com

www.performanceanxiety.com

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