"Life is a constant learning curve." Gary Null

A Personal Note from Janet

I was recently watching the Dr. Phil show and found myself admiring the courage that some people have in being willing to express themselves openly in public on a controversial, charged subject that is likely to stir much disapproval and criticism from an audience. In this particular segment, two women were being interviewed about their belief in actively protesting the war. The concern that was being raised was that this action showed a lack of support for the troops, and was not a responsible choice for the good of our country once the war was underway.

One woman was particularly vocal and continued to express her truth in a poised, non-defensive way despite the pressure of Dr. Phil's continued challenges and the obvious disapproval she was getting from him and from the audience. Who knows exactly what she felt inside, but she was willing to put herself on the line in a highly public arena to express her feelings and beliefs, and was willing to take a stand that invited quite a bit of disapproval and criticism.

I later watched another segment of Dr. Phil where he had on as guests a variety of people who were incensed by something he had said on a prior show and wanted to "take him on". Again, I was struck by the courage of these people to publicly stand up to a powerful presence and challenge him. I was also struck by Dr. Phil's willingness to be publicly challenged and criticized on his point of view (though I did notice he never seemed to back down from his original position, no matter how valid the person's criticism was).

I admired the willingness of these people to stand up and express themselves openly, and in a very public way, without any apparent concern about challenging a powerful person (who is known to be quite confrontational at times). And even if any of them had concern about this, they didn't let any fear or anxiousness stop them from speaking up and expressing their opinion in public.

Many of us who fear public speaking or performing have a strong need to please others; to be liked, accepted, and approved of by others; to not be criticized for what we think, say, or do; and, more specifically, to please authority figures and not directly challenge them. I am very inspired when I see people speak up and have a voice and not seem to be so concerned about these things (at least not to the point where it stands in their way).

I am especially inspired when I see people being willing to debate a controversial topic, knowing that they will invite disapproval or criticism by some segment of the population. How free people are when they are not constrained by limiting concerns about what other people will think of them and they follow their inner compass instead.

I invite you to look at how these issues play out in your life and fuel your fear of public speaking or performing. We need to understand and challenge the underlying beliefs we have been carrying within us about what it means when we don't please or have the acceptance or approval of others (especially authority figures, our peers, or others who we perceive have some power to judge us or intimidate us in some way).

We then need to create some new beliefs that support us being true to ourselves and expressing ourselves in an authentic and open way. We need to ground ourselves in our adult reality and not feel so intimidated by the fear of judgment or disapproval of others.

For many of us this fear of judgment and disapproval runs deep and it may take some time to rework it. But bringing it to conscious attention, challenging it when it comes up, replacing it with some new ways of thinking that are more grounded in the here-and-now reality, and taking small risks to do things differently is a way to start the change process. Be patient with yourself. As Gary Null says, "life is a constant learning curve"!

Changing Our Habitual Patterns As We Anticipate Speaking or Performing

A couple of months ago we reviewed some methods for coping with fear and anxiety "on the spot", in the moments before you are ready to step up and speak or perform, and also while you are up there. This month we will focus more attention on the anticipatory time frame: the days, weeks, and months before the day arrives.

Many people have said that the buildup of worry and anxiety in that anticipatory phase is just as bad, if not worse, than dealing with the actual situation of speaking or performing. I know that used to be the case for me, though thankfully that is no longer what I experience.

In order to manage this waiting time most effectively, we need to consciously and persistently redirect our mind toward that which calms and empowers us, rather than that which fuels worry, fear, and self-doubt. It is not easy to change habitual patterns of thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors, but it is also completely possible to do so if we are determined to change our ways.

We have fallen into some bad habits that have gotten us caught in a vicious cycle of negative feelings, thoughts, and reactions to public speaking or performing. And we now have the job of undoing our negative habits and beginning to replace them with a new set of responses, which we have to consistently practice and condition over time. 

So, where do we start? I think the best place to start is with our attitude about it all. Most often, people who have performance anxiety feel increasing dread and inner resistance as they move closer in time toward a speaking or performing event. In essence, their minds and bodies are screaming, "NO! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!!! DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS!!! WHY ME? I CAN'T STAND THIS!!! etc..."

You may use different words, or maybe no specific words, but that is often the feeling we have inside of us as we approach a speaking or performing event (some of you have progressed beyond this feeling of dread, thank goodness, but I am sure you can remember this feeling very well, as I can!) 

So, we need to consciously work on creating a shift in our attitude and engage in more positive, supportive self-talk as we move toward our event, rather than fight a raging battle inside of us. We need to create an attitude that supports our minds and bodies by speaking in a far different way to ourselves, along the lines of, "No matter how difficult this may feel to me now, I know I will get through this and that my life will go on. The key is to keep my focus on things that help to calm and strengthen me. As I do this, it gets easier. I am committed to learning how to better deal with this challenge and it starts now, with my attitude and what I choose to focus on. So, I am going to say "YES" to this challenge and practice methods to support myself through this!"

In addition to shifting our attitude and self-talk to be more positive and supportive, we need to continue to practice a positive focus of attention and do things that calm us and connect us with our strengths and with the more objective, adult reality of our circumstances.

- Focusing on the true purpose of your speaking or performing event and thinking about the contribution you can make to your audience

- Thinking about the people in your audience as real people (including any "powerful players" in the audience) and as individuals (rather than a mass of people) and connecting with their humanness and realizing you are just like them another regular old human being

- Creating an intention to have a positive, enjoyable experience, focusing on this intention, and looking for the possibilities in this 

- Thinking about all of the much larger challenges and difficulties people have faced day-in and day-out and realizing that this is not such a big deal in the scheme of things (and asking yourself if you would rather take on this challenge in front of you or some other much larger and much more difficult life challenge that some people face)

- Focusing on doing things that bring you calmness, peace of mind, and pleasure (and treating yourself with lots of extra TLC)

- Thinking about the days, weeks, and months after your speaking or performing event and remembering that life always goes on, no matter what happens

- Trying to stay as present-oriented as possible and not project worries or concerns into the future. Trusting that you will handle the future situation when you get there (making sure you have done your prep work, of course) and visualizing a positive experience up ahead when you do think about it