"Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives." Tony Robbins
Personal Note from Janet
I had an interesting discussion with a coaching client recently about his growing awareness that it wasn't so much public speaking that he was fearful of but, rather, it was the feeling of being "in the spotlight". I am sure most of us can relate to the feeling of not liking being the center of attention (perhaps with the exception of a romantic interest or loved one) and avoiding it when possible.
This is especially the case if the attention is coming from a group of people or audience who we perceive has high expectations of us. We often feel scrutinized by the intensity of so many people's focus on us at one time. We fear that all of our vulnerabilities and insecurities will be exposed and we will be found lacking in some significant way. And, most of us are especially afraid that our symptoms of anxiety will be the thing that will so blatantly expose us and lead to our loss of credibility and respect.
Interestingly, the discomfort with being the focus of people's attention can extend to other seemingly benign things, and not just speaking or performing situations. I have been grappling with this feeling recently in the process of ordering a new car. Normally, I have been very content driving a car that would not call anyone's attention (a dark blue Passat). I never deliberately set out to do this, though I think my subconscious mind led me to get a car that was well within my comfort zone of not getting noticed.
In the process of shopping for a new car, I test drove a BMW on a fluke and ended up falling in love with the feel of driving it. After much deliberation, I ended up ordering the car. Before long, I started to feel self-conscious about my new car purchase as I felt as though I would be more noticed and exposed to people's judgments (positive or negative).
It was amazing to me how my issues with getting noticed, and judged by others, could get stirred up by such seemingly mundane matters. Of course, I also realized that I was blowing all of this way out of proportion (as we often do with speaking or performing) and that I am not all of a sudden going to be the center of people's universe, no matter what car I drive (and no matter how I do when I am speaking).
Consider how your fear of being noticed and being the focus of attention may underlie your fear of public speaking or performing. And also consider how you may unknowingly make even subtle choices that help you stay under the radar screen of other's attention. And, see if you can begin to go outside of your comfort zone in small ways to allow yourself to be more visible, and exposed to the potential judgment of others, rather than continue to stay more "safe" and hidden from view.
If you are considering coming to the workshop (or thinking about attending again if you need some further reinforcement), I hope you will take action and sign up soon for my next workshop. I would love to help you further, either by working with you in a workshop and/or doing some personal coaching with you. It is hard to go this road alone and it is amazing how much progress you can make when you have the proper support in place.
A Few Things to Note...
The next Getting Over Stage Fright workshop is being planned for October 5-6th. Please be sure to sign up as soon as you can as the time is fast approaching and we want to be sure to hold a spot for you. (It is also more empowering to take a bold, decisive step rather than vacillate back and forth on the decision.)
The workshop is a truly valuable experience and I hope you will consider attending (or consider coming again, if you have already attended, as some others have done in taking the workshop two or more times for reinforcement). Here are some comments from a couple of group members from a recent workshop. I hope that hearing about the positive experience of others will help you feel inspired to attend.
"This workshop totally changed the way I have perceived and handled my public speaking anxiety. I had several epiphanies over the two days that I know will finally stop my avoidance behavior and get to work on building upon the foundation gained here. It was a huge breakthrough for me and feel it will be the catalyst for change and improvement in many aspects of my life, not just public speaking. I would highly recommend this program!"
K.B., VP of Sales
"I could not be happier that I decided to attend this workshop. It has been so incredibly helpful! The tools we learned are by far the most useful parts of the workshop. It was really helpful that we had so many opportunities to practice them." M.S, Attorney
You can find more information about the workshop at
http://www.performanceanxiety.com/upcoming_workshop.htm.
See http://www.performanceanxiety.com/testimonials.htm
to read about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear.
One final thing: I would love to receive more inspirational stories of your successes (big or small) for future issues of this newsletter, so please be sure to write me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com and share your positive experiences to help inspire others. Also, I would love to receive other helpful and inspiring resources - books, CDs, videos, web sites - so I can pass along this helpful information to others. My heartfelt thanks to you for contributing to our In The Spotlight community!
Pure Inspiration
This column is devoted to sharing stories of success and inspiration with others. If you have a success you would like to share with our newsletter community, please forward a paragraph or two to me with your first name (disguised if you feel the need for more anonymity) and job title and/or the field you work in and I will include it in a future newsletter. We can all be inspired by stories of success and victory, and it is a way for all of us to celebrate the courage, commitment, and effort we are putting forth to get beyond the limitations of this fear.
Here is an inspirational story from a coaching client who contacted me while preparing for a dance competition:
I am the typical stage fright kind of person who gets the pounding chest, dry mouth, shaky voice and legs and general black out when it comes to getting in front of others and trying to speak or perform. I have avoided any public responsibilities since high school where I failed miserably at any attempts to be comfortable in front of others. I am 49 years old with a successful husband and a mother of 2 teenagers. I am very outgoing and extremely creative - behind the scenes!
For some crazy reason, I was coerced into performing a dance routine with a partner on stage to benefit a local charity - a competition. I figured this was my chance to face the biggest fear of my life. I thought dancing couldn't be difficult because I wouldn't have to speak and no one could touch me or see me being nervous.
I sought out to get prepared and found Janet's website. I bought her books and studied them daily, making notes of what was pertinent to me and condensing them until I had a small compellation of sentences on one sheet of paper. I would read these several times a day as well as meditate for even a few minutes a day to help calm my awareness of an ensuing performance.
I spoke with Janet a few times to get her advice as well. Advice that stood out to me was that I was making the performance about me instead of the actual charity and the audience. I also cared TOO freaking much about the outcome of the performance - BIG mistake! When I got these things out of my head, I felt at ease. The breathing exercises were paramount and the thought that I could release my tension at any moment if I just relaxed and imagined it was over with were key points in the end result.
The day and night before the performance (dress rehearsal), I was unbelievably calm to the point of strangeness. I was totally comfortable with myself and with the hyped up surroundings of the stage. I felt like things were going to be perfect and that I would surely win this competition. I felt as though my studying and meditation were panaceas to my disease.
However, the day and night of the performance, I surprisingly became very nervous. I don't know what happened but the fear struck and I had to get it under control with breathing and moving slowly. Even though it was uncomfortable, it was not to the point of fight or flight. I faked a lot of answers to "are you nervous" and faked my confidence level to others. I was able to go onstage (a little shaky) and perform (albeit not as well as I had anticipated). This was a HUGE accomplishment for me!
In retrospect, I was unable to get the "end result" struggle out of my head (because of my controlling nature), so I felt like I was goofy and failed at my performance. For days afterwards, I beat my self up thinking I was a failure, but when I got the courage to look at the video of myself, I was pretty awesome! I looked like I was in total control and natural on stage! No nervousness showed!
Janet was right about the fact that even though we may feel out of control at the moment, we don't appear that way to the audience and that it is okay to feel nervous if we just embrace it and let it happen naturally. THIS has been the biggest positive for me because I was certain that I had failed.
I now have more confidence so that I can go and try new challenges in the public eye. Public performance and speaking are learned talents just like most anything else. We have to practice over and over to get better if we are going to master it and that is what I plan on doing! This has been a life changing experience for me and I owe it to Janet and her books!
Susan
The Meaning We Give to Our Stage Fright Experiences
I was just reading an article about Narrative Therapy, which is a type of therapy that looks at the meaning that we give to our life experiences. This approach helps us to look at the subjective nature of our interpretations of what happens to us in life and to recognize that we are the creator of these interpretations and that they are subject to change. Rather than holding onto negative, disempowering beliefs about ourselves related to our life challenges, we can come up with more empowering ways to view our reality by changing the meaning we give to the difficulties we have experienced.
As it relates to our public speaking or performing fear, we have often viewed having this fear as embarrassing, and even shameful. Many of us have given it the meaning that something is wrong with us and it is a weakness in us. We have often held the belief that others will look down on us and lose respect for us if they only knew. We have shamed ourselves by having viewed this fear through the lens of being defective.
While it is true that we do have a problem to address when our fear gets so excessive, it does not mean there is something inherently wrong with us. I think of people who have medical problems, such as heart disease or diabetes. We usually do not look down on these people and believe they are weak or defective due to having these conditions. However, when it comes to having this fear, I have seen so many people attach the meaning of weakness and shame to having this life challenge and desperately try to keep it a secret and not get found out.
We create a meaning that often demonizes this fear and leaves us feeling helpless and defeated. We also tend to attach such a negative meaning to a difficult speaking or performing event that it leaves us feeling humiliated and demoralized. And we end up carrying these negative perceptions into future speaking or performing events.
I recently read about a research study from NY University that suggests that we have about a 30 hour window of time after an event happens to consolidate that memory into our permanent memory bank. So, if you have had a "bad" experience with speaking or performing and create a very negative and highly charged meaning about what just happened, it will continue to be stored in your memory that way, which will serve to further reinforce your fear. On the contrary, if you find the best possible way to view what happened (the way you would if this happened to your child or best friend), and try to take the highly negative emotional charge out of it, it will stored in your memory bank in a much more benign way and not serve to reinforce your fear going forward.
Another aspect of the meaning we give to this challenge is if we choose to take a medication, as needed, to help calm our fight or flight reaction that has been conditioned in our body. Many people create the meaning that this signifies a weakness if they need medication to help calm their body and can't "do it on their own". We don't seem to assign the same meaning if someone needs diabetes medication or cholesterol medication because their bodies are not working optimally. It seems unfair to judge ourselves so harshly and create such negative meaning if we choose to use medication as one means of helping ourselves.
We are in charge of the meanings we give to our life experiences and the choices we make to deal with our challenges. We don't have to create a meaning that suggests weakness, defectiveness or deficiency when viewing ourselves with this challenge. We can actually see that this fear is a relatively benign problem to have, given some of the more disabling medical and psychological problems that many people suffer from.
We can choose to view ourselves, and this life challenge, in the most positive light and focus on our strengths and abilities rather than on frustrations about our imperfections. By creating a more positive meaning in viewing our experience with stage fright, we can choose to empower rather than demoralize ourselves.
Some steps you can take to help yourself learn more tools to deal with this fear include reading (or re-reading) my two books, listening to my CD whenever you need further support and guidance, taking my workshop (and taking it again if you want further practice and reinforcement), and/or setting up a coaching session with me.
Action Steps:
1. Consider how self-consciousness and a fear of being center of attention may fuel your fear of public speaking or performing. Also notice if this shows up in other areas of your life in trying to avoid being the focus of other's attention. Allow yourself to step outside your comfort zone when possible to be more noticed and seen by others (and work on shifting the meaning you are giving to being more visible to others). And, consider the meaning you have been giving to having the challenge of stage fright and any particular experiences with this fear that have been most difficult for you. Challenge any negative meanings associated with weakness and shame and create new, more positive meanings that put this fear into proper perspective and that support you rather than diminish you.
2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop and/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Mary at mary@performanceanxiety.com with any questions about the workshop.
3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s) and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work.
4. Please send me any feedback and suggestions as I greatly value knowing what is most helpful to you and will give consideration to all feedback and suggestions I receive.
Something else to consider:
Many people have enjoyed being part of a yahoo discussion board that was set up by someone in our newsletter community for people who share the fear of public speaking or performing and want some support and camaraderie. I encourage you to visit this site and post something on the discussion board. It is incredibly helpful to come out of our isolation and aloneness around this fear and to give and receive support with others. The address for this discussion board is
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/speakanxiety.
