"When you move into a state of true acceptance of how you are feeling, you create a window for your nervous system to calm down and heal." Joe Barry Personal Note from Janet I just held my 70th workshop in May and it felt deeply gratifying as I witnessed yet another wonderful group of people experience a profound weekend together. Something amazing happens when people come together in a safe and supportive environment to work on creating a new approach to this fear. I have been holding the workshop for 15 years now and over 760 people have attended. Some people have even come more than once to get further reinforcement in using the tools I teach and more practice in this supportive group environment. One thing that has been shared over and over in the workshops is how comforting it feels to know you are not alone with this fear. So often we feel like we are the only ones in the room who have this fear and we end up feeling bad about ourselves. It is very reassuring to know there are so many accomplished, capable, and terrific people who share this fear and you would never really know this by their outer appearance. Some other things that have consistently helped people as they practice a new approach to this fear are: acceptance of your uncomfortable feelings rather than resisting what you are feeling; accepting and supporting yourself rather than engaging in self-judgment and negativity; learning to not compare yourself to others; deep breathing and riding the wave; listening and connecting to others and remembering it is not about you. The May group was especially vocal about the importance of challenging your negative self-talk and practicing having your mind be your ally rather than allow it to undermine you. This group, as many other groups in the past, also discovered the value of meditation to ground and center yourself as you mentally prepare to step up to the challenge at hand. It is so helpful to be around others who get what we are going through and to feel deeply understood. There is a tremendous healing effect when we can share openly and truthfully about our feelings and experiences and not have to keep all of this such a deep, dark secret. If you are considering coming to the workshop (or thinking about attending again if you need some further reinforcement), I hope you will take action and sign up soon for my next workshop. I would love to help you further, either by working with you in a workshop and/or doing some personal coaching with you. It is hard to go this road alone and it is amazing how much progress you can make when you have the proper support in place. A Few Things to Note... The next Getting Over Stage Fright workshop will be held on October 5-6th. While this seems like a long ways away, it is best to sign up as soon as you can if you know you want to attend so we are sure to hold a spot for you (and so you take a strong, bold step rather than vacillate back and forth on the decision). The workshop is a truly valuable experience and I hope you will consider attending (or consider coming again, if you have already attended, as some others have done in taking the workshop two or more times for reinforcement). Here are some comments from a couple of group members from a recent workshop. I hope that hearing about the positive experience of others will help you feel inspired to attend. "This workshop totally changed the way I have perceived and handled my public speaking anxiety. I had several epiphanies over the two days that I know will finally stop my avoidance behavior and get to work on building upon the foundation gained here. It was a huge breakthrough for me and feel it will be the catalyst for change and improvement in many aspects of my life, not just public speaking. I would highly recommend this program!" K.B., VP of Sales "I could not be happier that I decided to attend this workshop. It has been so incredibly helpful! The tools we learned are by far the most useful parts of the workshop. It was really helpful that we had so many opportunities to practice them." M.S, Attorney You can find more information about the workshop at http://www.performanceanxiety.com/upcoming_workshop.htm. See http://www.performanceanxiety.com/testimonials.htm to read about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear. One final thing: I would love to receive more inspirational stories of your successes (big or small) for future issues of this newsletter, so please be sure to write me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com and share your positive experiences to help inspire others. Also, I would love to receive other helpful and inspiring resources - books, CDs, videos, web sites - so I can pass along this helpful information to others. My heartfelt thanks to you for contributing to our In The Spotlight community!
 
Pure Inspiration
This column is devoted to sharing stories of success and inspiration with others. If you have a success you would like to share with our newsletter community, please forward a paragraph or two to me with your first name (disguised if you feel the need for more anonymity) and job title and/or the field you work in and I will include it in a future newsletter. We can all be inspired by stories of success and victory, and it is a way for all of us to celebrate the courage, commitment, and effort we are putting forth to get beyond the limitations of this fear.
Here is an inspirational story from one of the participants from a recent workshop. She is a true inspiration as she is going through a mid-life career change and took a bold step to go back to school. She had written me to share her experience after finding out that she would have one of the same teachers she had many years ago, who she felt very intimidated by. This time she worked on seeing the teacher with new eyes and discovering her humanness rather than continuing to feel intimidated by her.
Hi, Janet!
As you know, it was with some trepidation that I found myself starting the very first class with a teacher who was a key figure in my early life when the anxiety issues were so acute. I was a bit concerned about having some kind of flashback or whatever. Of course my mind went to the worst possible scenario!
I went early for first class and sat in my car doing some deep breathing so I could walk in relaxed. Mrs. S was indeed the same person, and even with the passing years, still the same in-your-face, confrontational type extrovert personality that I remembered. Sure enough, in the first few weeks we had some uncomfortable moments, and I was exasperated that she seemed to call me out in every class for some random thing. Was convinced she was purposely trying to embarrass me.
Then one day it dawned on me--she was actually trying to make some kind of connection, and since I tend to be oversensitive, and often don't recognize teasing, I took offense. I told myself to lighten up, realizing I was falling into a familiar pattern of taking myself too seriously.
One evening I was the last student to leave class, and I noticed her packing her items quickly, so I stood by and walked her out of the building to her car. It sort of became a thing after that--I would wait for her at end of class, and walk her down. During these times she started talking to me, and told me things about her life, such as playing oboe in a senior band group. She also asked me about mine, and what I wanted to do after getting my degree.
The last class of the course, she thanked me for walking her out on those nights, as it scared her having to walk alone. Guess it never occurred to me that she could be scared of anything. She told me how she wished she could keep teaching, but struggled to find work, and felt like people only saw her as this old lady who should retire. I suddenly found myself looking at her in a different light, having respect for a person who just wants to keep active and pursue her passions.
It's not like Mrs. S and I became best friends or anything, but I have to admit I was a little sad saying goodbye. She's not the hugging type, but stuck out her hand to shake mine, and wished me well. Maybe it was some type of closure, but I do feel like the Universe crossed our paths again for a reason. Made me realize how I had given those painful experiences from the past so much power over me.
Hope you have a wonderful workshop in May. :)
Best regards,
Rene'
Student/Former Paralegal
The Power of Allowing & Befriending Your Fear
Recently I attended a workshop with a Buddhist psychologist named Tara Brach (see http://www.performanceanxiety.com/books_cds.htm for her two books, Radical Acceptance and True Refuge). The focus of the workshop was on how to allow and befriend our uncomfortable and unpleasant inner experiences. This, of course, goes against our immediate knee-jerk reaction, which is to resist feeling things we do not like or do not want to feel. In fact, it can feel like we want to jump out of our own skin when things get so intensely uncomfortable with our fear and anxiety as it can feel hard to bear these feelings.
In the workshop we did an exercise of closing our eyes and vividly imagining a very uncomfortable and unpleasant inner experience and saying NO to it in our minds. By doing this we were strongly resisting the feelings, hating the feelings, being scared of the feelings, and wanting to fight off what we were feeling or run the other way as fast as possible.
Then, we returned to the same scenario with the very uncomfortable and unpleasant inner experience but this time we said YES to it. This was done by allowing ourselves to feel what we were feeling without reactivity and judgment, relaxing and softening to our inner experience rather than tensing up and hardening ourselves as we braced for the discomfort, and becoming a more neutral observer of our experience rather than over-identifying with the discomfort and unpleasantness.
I found this to be a powerful exercise that showed how vastly different our inner experience is when we say NO to it through resisting, fighting, and trying to run from our discomfort versus when we say YES to it through allowing, accepting, and softening towards these uncomfortable feelings. This is counterintuitive as our instincts lead us to resist, fight or attempt to flee when possible. It takes the quality of mindfulness to not go on auto-pilot and do what comes most naturally when we are facing feelings that feel threatening to us.
The second thing we focused on was befriending our inner discomfort rather than just tolerating it. Once again, this goes against our instincts, which are to view these feelings as an enemy to be conquered. One simple way to remind yourself to befriend your inner experience is to put a slight smile on your face. This gives your mind and body the message that you are not in the midst of enemy territory. In fact, putting a slight smile on your face helps to create a more open, positive inner experience and begins to calm down the fight-or-flight reaction in our bodies.
We also worked on befriending ourselves in the midst of our inner turmoil rather than turning against ourselves, which so commonly happens. Rather than be hard on ourselves and be our "own worst enemy" we need to learn to be kind and loving towards ourselves and be our "own best friend". This requires letting go of self-judgment and self-condemnation and instead practicing understanding, kindness and compassion towards ourselves when we are in the throes of difficult emotions.
There is a Buddhist saying that while pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. The practices of Allowing and Befriending go a long way in helping us to deal with our painful emotions and not turn them into suffering. Rather, these practices help us to ease and heal our deepest pain and inner turmoil.
Some further steps you can take to help yourself learn more tools to deal with this fear include reading (or re-reading) my two books, listening to my CD whenever you need further support and guidance, taking my workshop (and taking it again if you want further practice and reinforcement), and/or setting up a coaching session with me.
Action Steps:
1. Do the exercise mentioned above of closing your eyes, vividly imagining intense feelings of stage fright and saying NO to your inner experience. Feel what is it like to strongly resist and fight against these feelings. Repeat the exercise but this time say YES to the experience and feel the difference when you allow and accept these feelings. Also work on the practice of befriending your uncomfortable feelings rather than turn against yourself when you most need kindness and support from yourself. And create a slight smile on your face whenever you need to lighten up and ease the inner pressure you are feeling. It is amazing how something so simple can really make a difference.
2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop and/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Mary at mary@performanceanxiety.com with any questions about the workshop.
3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com
and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s) and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work.
4. Please send me any feedback and suggestions as I greatly value knowing what is most helpful to you and will give consideration to all feedback and suggestions I receive.
Something else to consider:
Many people have enjoyed being part of a yahoo discussion board that was set up by someone in our newsletter community for people who share the fear of public speaking or performing and want some support and camaraderie. I encourage you to visit this site and post something on the discussion board. It is incredibly helpful to come out of our isolation and aloneness around this fear and to give and receive support from others. The address for this discussion board is
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/speakanxiety.
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I hope to have the opportunity to help you make further progress with your speaking or performing challenges this year. Please be sure to contact me if you would like my help.
Warm wishes,
Janet
Janet Esposito, M.S.W.
In The Spotlight
PO Box 494
Bridgewater, CT06752
860-210-1499
jesposito@performanceanxiety.com
www.performanceanxiety.com
Copyright 2013, Janet E. Esposito, All Rights Reserved
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