Pure Inspiration

This column is devoted to sharing stories of success and inspiration with others.  If you have a success you would like to share with our newsletter community, please forward a paragraph or two to me with your first name (disguised if you feel the need for more anonymity) and job title and/or the field you work in and I will include it in a 

future newsletter. We can all be inspired by stories of success and victory, and it is a way for all of us to celebrate the courage, commitment, and effort we are putting forth to get beyond the limitations of this fear.

Here is another inspirational story from one of my past workshop participants from a few years ago. She is a real testament to how amazing transformation can happen when you stop avoiding, take consistent actions to help yourself move forward, and not allow fear to drive your decisions.

This is my second "inspirational story" that I am writing to you. My first was written about 8 months ago just after I had completed my 10th speech at Toastmasters. My club gave me a standing ovation and it was one of happiest, most satisfying moments of my life.  Participating in your workshop a year and a half earlier was when it all started for me.  Since completing my 10th speech, I have continued to participate fully in Toastmasters, giving speeches, taking on leadership roles and mentoring new members of the club, specifically those who are most panic-stricken by the idea of public speaking as I can relate to what they are going through very well.

On January 29 of this year, I lost my father. He had a stroke two weeks earlier and while there was initial hope that he would pull through, he took a turn for the worse after a few days and never turned back. My father was a wonderful man, a great father and a truly unique person with an interesting and intelligent perspective on life and human nature.  At the wake, I met the pastor who would lead the church service the following morning. He had known my father for a few years and spoke well of him. He asked if I or any of my siblings would like to speak at the service. I told him I'd get back to him after speaking with them.

When the pastor asked the question, I immediately thought "I want to speak about my father. I want to tell those at the service who didn't know him what a great man he was."  But, I hesitated. Not only did the fear creep in, but I was very emotional and was worried I might break down while speaking. I decided to hold off on making a decision and told the pastor that my brother would speak and that my sister and I would decide by the next morning.  

When I returned to my father's house that night, I took out some paper and through a cascade of tears, started jotting down things about my father that I admired and loved. While I considered the idea of speaking at his funeral, I realized that while I was emotional, the fear I was feeling was not really bad at all. What I was doing was expecting the fear to grow and consume me as it used to do in the past.  But that wasn't happening. I decided I wasn't going to let whatever I was feeling stop me from speaking. As far as my concern about becoming emotional while I spoke, I decided that didn't matter either.  If I cried, so what?  My father just died - of course I might get emotional!  

I got my head in the right place and the next morning, I arrived at the church and told the pastor I would speak.  When the time came, I did feel a little nervous, but I pretty much ignored the nerves and said "I don't care. I have something to say and it's important and there's no way I'm going to let a few nerves stop me." I remembered your words about intention and my intention was to honor my father. There were people in that church that didn't really know him and I wanted to tell them who he was.  I spoke for about 8 minutes. I said everything I wanted to say. I told everyone who my father was and how much he was loved by his family.  I was slightly nervous when I began, but I paid no attention to it and after awhile the nerves melted away. 

After the service, many guests approached me and thanked me for helping them to know my father a little better. Those who knew him well said he would have been proud and humbled by my words which, they told me, described him perfectly.  

All the work I've done these last three years -- reading your books, attending your workshop and working hard at Toastmasters -- crystallized for me at that moment when I was up there talking about my father.  If for no other reason, speaking at my father's funeral made every second of my hard work worth it.  A few years ago, I would have let fear prevent me from honoring my father. Isn't that sad?  

So, once again, thank you for helping me to "get there" and to anyone else out there who is struggling, do not give up. Stay positive and keep your eye on the prize and you will get there. It's one thing to make a reasoned, rational choice not to speak, but to allow fear to keep you from saying what you want to say is something you do not want to accept.  Keep at it.

Marlene

Practicing Mental Toughness as You Face Your Fear

It is very tempting to avoid things we are afraid of as it provides us immediate relief from the discomfort (which can get pretty intense) when we step up to situations that create fear in us. The downside of avoidance is that it makes us lose belief and confidence in our ability to handle these types of challenges. It truly is a vicious cycle. The more we avoid, the more we lose confidence in ourselves, and the more we feel we have to keep avoiding.

It takes courage to face our fear and it also builds courage as we continue to do so. In the ideal world, it would be best if we could gradually expose ourselves to speaking or performing situations in a step-by-step fashion, with increasing challenge over time. While this is often not possible in our work lives, it is possible to do this in a speaking group such as Toastmasters or another type of practice group for performers. While the graduated exposure alone has the potential to desensitize us from our intense fear, it works even more effectively if we apply tools to help us deal with our fear and anxiety rather than just power our way through it.

Facing your fear rather than avoiding it is an antidote to fear and anxiety. It can help to consider a hierarchy of increasing challenges with speaking or performing and to take actions to face each one, step-by-step when this is possible. You can learn more about this method in my Getting Over Stage Fright book (Chapter 22) and/or in the Face Your Fears book. While it is not always possible to face your fear in gradual, incremental steps, it makes sense to do everything you can to mentally prepare yourself to face whatever speaking or performing challenges that are presented to you rather than use avoidance as a coping strategy.

I always go back to asking people what they would say to their child or other loved ones if they faced a similar situation that made them afraid. Chances are you would support them to face their fear rather than run or hide from it as you would not want them to let their fear gain more power over them and limit their lives in any way. It is wise to follow the advice you would give to your loved ones, as that advice promotes what is in your best interest.

Action Steps:

1. Practice mental toughness and mind discipline by not allowing yourself to feed your fearful or self-doubting thoughts and feelings. Practice courage by facing your fear rather than avoiding it and learning and applying useful tools to help you gain better coping skills as you step up to the challenges you face.

2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop and/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com if you are interested in scheduling a coaching 

about the workshop.  

3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found the book(s) and   

CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work.