"You can rouse yourself and lift yourself up and out of the tailspin of fear." Pema Chodran
Personal Note from Janet
We had another fantastic Getting Over Stage Fright workshop in January and a great group of people came together from all over the country and abroad (including from places as far away as Texas, Virginia, California, Canada and the UK)! One group member shared with me that reading about the strategies is one thing, but it is even more valuable to openly talk about the challenges people have had with this fear and practice the tools in a safe and supportive group setting.
One thing that came up time and time again in this group, as it has in my other groups over the years, is how very hard and unforgiving we tend to be toward ourselves. I have had 69 workshops with over 750 people attending over the last 14 years and this has remained a consistent theme. It really hits home when people see other group members being so unfair to themselves with their harsh self-judgments and focus on perceived negatives and it provides a mirror to see how unfair this is when they also do it to themselves.
It was wonderful to see group members making progress in using the tools to ease their anticipatory anxiety as well as their anxiety while "in the spotlight". It was also wonderful to see people becoming more self-accepting, kind and compassionate towards themselves when they were anxious and to drop the harsh self-judgment. It was interesting for people to discover that being kinder and more accepting towards yourself actually helps to ease the anxiety some. And it was great to see people learning to let go of upsets or disappointments with themselves more quickly and not dwell on perceived negatives as they might have in the past.
The workshop is truly a valuable experience and I hope you will consider attending if you have not done so already (or consider attending again, if you have attended already, as some others have done in taking the workshop two or more times). Here are some comments from a couple of group members from the January workshop. I hope that hearing about the positive experience of others will help you feel inspired to attend!
"This workshop totally changed the way I have perceived and handled my public speaking anxiety. I had several epiphanies over the two days that I know will finally stop my avoidance behavior and get to work on building upon the foundation gained here. It was a huge breakthrough for me and feel it will be the catalyst for change and improvement in many aspects of my life, not just public speaking. I would highly recommend this program!"
K.B., VP of Sales
"I could not be happier that I decided to attend this workshop. It has been so incredibly helpful! The tools we learned are by far the most useful parts of the workshop. It was really helpful that we had so many opportunities to practice them." M.S, Attorney
A few things to note...
The next Getting Over Stage Fright workshop will be held on May 18-19th. The last workshop filled up very quickly and there was a waiting list, so be sure to sign up very soon if you are interested in attending the May workshop.
You can find more information about the workshop at
http://www.performanceanxiety.com/upcoming_workshop.htm.
See http://www.performanceanxiety.com/testimonials.htm to read about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear.
One final thing: I would love to receive more inspirational stories of your successes (big or small) for future issues of this newsletter, so please be sure to write me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com and share your positive experiences to help inspire others. Also, I would love to receive other helpful and inspiring resources - books, CDs, videos, web sites - so I can pass along this helpful information to others. My heartfelt thanks to you for contributing to our In The Spotlight community!
 
Pure Inspiration
This column is devoted to sharing stories of success and inspiration with others. If you have a success you would like to share with our newsletter community, please forward a paragraph or two to me with your first name (disguised if you feel the need for more anonymity) and job title and/or the field you work in and I will include it in a future
newsletter. We can all be inspired by stories of success and victory, and it is a way for all of us to celebrate the courage, commitment, and effort we are putting forth to get beyond the limitations of this fear.
At the moment, I have no new inspirational stories from our community so I am sharing one from many years ago of a reader who emailed me to share his positive response to reading my book. Please be sure to send me YOUR inspirational story so I can share it with our In the Spotlight community!
Janet: Thought I would share the following with you. I am an investment banker, which requires a fair amount of presentation skills, especially as you progress and become more senior. I have always had a phobia of speaking in public and tried to read myself through the fear for several years. I FINALLY read your book and it was KEY to what has been a huge acceleration in my progression to not just overcome the fear, but to someday become a great public speaker. Your book gave me the inspiration to join a local Toastmasters to APPLY what I have learned in your book and others. I have found that application is imperative to overcome the fear; merely reading will not work I would guess in a great deal of cases...it certainly would not in mine.
Since I joined my local Toastmasters, I have given three speeches and have gotten first place on every one of them. I have attached my most recent speech on stage fright in which I mention your book specifically. After I gave this speech two things happened that have really inspired me: (i) we had a number of guests that day (deciding if they want to join) and 3 of them at the end of the meeting referred specifically to my speech and said they felt much better that there are others out there with the same phobia...they asked for the title of your book and sounds as if they may join; (ii) two of our most senior and respected/talented members told me after the speech they could not even tell I was nerved out. In fact one of them emphatically told me he thinks that I have the raw talent to become a great speaker.
So a big thanks to you and your book for being the catalyst on me finally getting traction on the biggest professional challenge I have ever faced.
Brad R., Investment Banking
Smile at Fear
Recently I was listening to a CD by Pema Chodran called Smile at Fear. Pema is an amazingly wise and down-to-earth teacher of Buddhism. She has a big following and speaks in front of very large crowds, sometimes thousands of people at a time. She does not appear to have any fear of public speaking and seems to be very comfortable in her role as a teacher speaking to large gatherings of people. She is very articulate and always seems very relaxed and conversational in her style.
I happened to be reading an article this week that Pema had written about the idea of smiling at fear and I was very surprised to learn that Pema has had first-hand experience with feelings of panic. While her panic does not happen with speaking, it is still very challenging for her when it happens. Here is an excerpt of what she said about her own experience of smiling at fear:
"Our challenge is to train in...smiling at fear. I've had years of training in this because I get panic attacks. As anyone who has experienced a panic attack knows, that feeling of terror can arise out of nowhere. For me it often comes in the middle of the night, when I'm especially vulnerable. But over the years I have trained myself to relax into that heart-stopping, mind-stopping feeling...If you resist that kind of panicky energy, even at an involuntary, unconscious level, the fear can last a long time. The way to work with it...instead is to smile at the panic, smile at this dreadful...gaping hole that's opening up in the pit of your stomach. When you smile at fear, there's a shift."
So, the idea of smiling at fear means we have to stop resisting the feeling when it comes upon us. We need to try to relax into the feeling, no matter how uncomfortable and unpleasant it may be. We have to try to smile at our fear so we remind ourselves it is not our enemy and it is not trying to do us harm. We have to learn to stay open to whatever difficult feelings and sensations that fear brings and allow the energy of fear to move through us and naturally dissipate.
All of this is very challenging to do, of course, and requires us to "train" ourselves to do what does not come naturally. What comes naturally to us is to try to resist, control, avoid, and run from the fear. What comes naturally is to be afraid of the fear and to do anything we can to avoid the tremendous discomfort we are feeling. What comes naturally is to tense up and become very upset, frustrated, disappointed and angry that we have to go through all of this. It turns out our natural responses to the fear actually make the fear grow stronger as we become more and more afraid of these feelings.
Smiling at fear allows us to not be afraid of our fear. It allows us to relax, knowing these feelings will not harm us. Smiling at fear reminds us that we are safe and that these feelings will not threaten or harm us, no matter how unpleasant they may be. Smiling at fear allows us to bear our discomfort and flow through it more easily as we soften, rather than harden, towards our inner experience.
Next time the fear arises in you, see if you can remember to smile at your fear (both in your own mind as well as creating a smile on your face). See how this shift in attitude towards your fear - befriending it rather than treating it as your enemy - can create a profoundly different experience for you when your fear arises.
One other thing I will mention from listening to Pema speak about fear is the idea that we can lift ourselves out of the tailspin of fear. So often we feel (and act) helpless and powerless in the face of fear (especially when it becomes more intense). The more we feel and act this way, the stronger our fear grows. Pema's message is that we can pull ourselves up and out of the spiral of fear and we have to remind ourselves of this when we start to feel we have lost all power to our fear.
One way to lift yourself out of fear is to TAKE ACTION to help yourself rather than give in to feelings of helplessness, overwhelm, and frustration. Positive action is an antidote to fear and anxiety whereas passivity and inaction fuel these feelings.
Some immediate steps you can take to help yourself include reading (or re-reading) my two books, listening to my CD whenever you need further support and guidance, taking my workshop (and taking it again if you want further practice and reinforcement), and/or setting up a coaching session with me. Also consider other steps you can take to apply the things you are learning and use the tools that I write about and teach. Identify a few simple actions to start so you can gain some momentum and be on the road to making positive changes throughout this year.
Action Steps:
1. Practice training yourself to smile at your fear when it arises. See if you can stay open to whatever uncomfortable feelings and sensations the experience may bring, relaxing into the discomfort, and riding the wave until the fear dissipates. Notice the difference in your experience of fear when you try to befriend it rather than treating it like your worst enemy. And, be sure to take positive actions to lift yourself out of the tailspin of fear rather than give in to feelings of helplessness and overwhelm.
2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop and/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Mary at mary@performanceanxiety.com with any questions
about the workshop.
3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s) and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work.
4. Please send me any feedback and suggestions as I greatly value knowing what is most helpful to you and will give consideration to all feedback and suggestions I receive.
Something else to consider:
Many people have enjoyed being part of a yahoo discussion board that was set up by someone in our newsletter community for people who share the fear of public speaking or performing and want some support and camaraderie. I encourage you to visit this site and post something on the discussion board. It is incredibly helpful to come out of our isolation and aloneness around this fear and to give and receive support with
others. The address for this discussion board is
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/speakanxiety.
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I hope to have the opportunity to help you make further progress with your speaking or performing challenges this year. Please be sure to contact me if you would like my help.
Warm wishes,
Janet
Janet Esposito, M.S.W.
In The Spotlight
PO Box 494
Bridgewater, CT06752
860-210-1499
jesposito@performanceanxiety.com
www.performanceanxiety.com
Copyright 2013, Janet E. Esposito, All Rights Reserved
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