"Embarrassment belongs to the disorder known as perfectionism. Think about it. You are embarrassed because you didn't live up to your standards." Therese J. Borchard Personal Note from Janet Last month was a very busy month with the birth of my first grandson, caretaking for my 91 year old aunt, and holding a workshop. I found myself feeling some time pressure with not getting as much done as usual in a timely way. I realized that much of the pressure was self-imposed (eg., always trying to get my newsletter out by the 1st of each month) and I decided to stop imposing "shoulds" on myself when this was a totally unnecessary source of stress. Many clients I work with who have performance anxiety say they are very hard on themselves. If this is true for you, take a look at how much self-imposed pressure you put on yourself and how many "shoulds" you strive to live by that cause you tension and stress. See if you can give yourself permission to ease up on yourself and value your peace of mind more than you value the arbitrary standards you have imposed upon yourself. It is so freeing when we realize that we get to decide the rules for ourselves and we can change them when we realize they are not serving us. Another thing that struck me this month is how precious life is and how much we have to be grateful for, which is very timely as Thanksgiving approaches. Watching my grandson at the start of his life and my aunt, who is nearing the end of her life, has been humbling and a good reminder to not sweat the small stuff and remember the bigger picture. Life does not go on forever and we have to remind ourselves of this when we get caught up in our worries and anxieties. Fear and anxiety lead us to distort the reality and lose perspective. We need to do what we can to step out of the brain fog that these feelings create and reach for a more objective truth about ourselves and our situation. Seeing and acknowledging the truth begins to loosen the hold that the fear has over us and sets us free. In the midst of all of this I had another wonderful workshop with a fantastic group of people. It is amazing how similar the feelings and issues are from group to group and how much change is possible when people are able to share their feelings and experiences and practice using the tools, in a safe and supportive environment. I would be happy to help guide and support you as you work on your own challenge with this fear. Please visit my web site to learn about the many ways I can help you through my books, CD, newsletters, workshop and coaching. Sometimes we also need a refresher, so if you have had any lapses along the way, I encourage you to contact me for some support and reinforcement. ***One last thing...for those of you who have read my second book, Getting Over Stage Fright, and who have found that book helpful to you, I would love to have you write a review on Amazon if you are willing. I have many positive reviews of my first book, In The SpotLight, on Amazon (and always welcome more), but relatively few reviews of my Getting Over Stage Fright book. These reviews make a huge difference for so many people when they are wondering whether a book will be helpful to them or not. It would be a big help to me and to others if you let others know how this book has been helpful to you. I thank you in advance if you are willing to do this to support my work in helping people with stage fright. If you have not yet read Getting Over Stage Fright, you can find out more about it and order it by visiting www.performanceanxiety.com/GOSF_book.htm. You can also visit www.amazon.com to read some reviews of my book and order it there. Also, if you order this book, be sure to request the special Checklist of Tips I created as a free bonus to those who purchase my Getting Over Stage Fright book. Many people have found this checklist to be very helpful in dealing with their speaking or performing challenges and I am sure you will, too. I want to thank those of you who have given me such positive feedback about my books and CD. I am very thankful for your words of appreciation for my work and knowing it has brought such value to you in helping you with this challenge. The Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop: The next Getting Over Stage Fright workshop is being planned for January 19-20, 2013 so please be sure to sign up as soon as possible so you can benefit from some discounts for early registration. You can find more information about the workshop at http://www.performanceanxiety.com/upcoming_workshop.htm See http://www.performanceanxiety.com/testimonials.htm to read about the tremendous value people have received from participating in the workshop. It is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have this fear. A few other things of interest: ***Please visit my Facebook page and "like" my page so I can connect with you more there: http://www.facebook.com/JanetEspositoPage?ref=ts ***And here is my You Tube debut, if you have not yet seen it (not perfect, but good enough). Please be sure to post a comment, too, as I would love to hear from you! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YFVkFdyZrg ***I am excited to announce that I have three translations of my In The SpotLight book in the following languages: Polish, Czechoslovakian, and Portuguese. This is amazing synchronicity in that my family heritage is both Polish and Czechoslovakian so it feels even more special that some unknown forces in the universe are at work with publishers in these two countries seeking out my work (not having had any idea of my family background, especially given my married name is Italian)! One final thing: I would love to receive more inspirational stories of your successes (big or small) for future issues of this newsletter, so please be sure to write me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com and share your positive experiences to help inspire others. Also, I would love to receive other helpful and inspiring resources - books, CDs, videos, web sites - so I can pass along this helpful information to others. My heartfelt thanks to you for contributing to our In The Spotlight community!
 
Pure Inspiration
This column is devoted to sharing stories of success and inspiration with others. If you have a success you would like to share with our newsletter community, please forward a paragraph or two to me, with your first name, last initial (disguised if you feel the need for more anonymity), and job title and/or field you work in and I will include it in a future newsletter. We can all be inspired by stories of success and victory, and it is a way for all of us to celebrate the courage, commitment, and effort we are putting forth to get beyond the limitations of this fear!
This letter is from a client who attended the workshop a few times over the years and with whom I have done some coaching:
Hi Janet,
My presentation went great. Like last year, I had some emotional ups and downs in the weeks leading up to the event, but it was easier this year. I arrived the evening before the presentation and visited the (empty) room. I visualized myself making a connection with the audience, which helped me relax and remember my true purpose. That visit alone helped me relax considerably.
I followed that by visiting a local Toastmasters group that evening, which provided me a chance to connect via the heart with a group of total strangers. I slept well that night and had very little anxiety heading to the meeting location the next morning.
I focused on staying in the moment, grounding myself, and remembering to make a connection with the audience. In the spirit of, "you can't control everything", I realized in the midst of my briefing that the meeting organizer had loaded an outdated version of my briefing. She seemed more stressed about it than I did! I told her it was not a big deal and I just briefed the differences (as you say, just let whatever happens happen and flow with it).
Another thing that helped tremendously was, as you'd suggested, re-reading my post-speech journal entry from last year, in which I had cited all the previous times that I had been successful when only I'd stepped up. This review of the "truth" versus the strong emotions I was feeling was so helpful and grounded me in my "adult brain", challenging each negative thought and replacing each with the truth.
Thank you again so much for your wise counsel and concern. I am more and more convinced that the path to freedom only requires a modicum of courage to just show up and leave the rest to God.
Warm regards,
Ron
Letting Go of Fear of Embarrassment
In my last Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop, the theme of embarrassment came up several times. We discussed how sensitized many of us are to the feeling of embarrassment and how hard it is to face others when we feel this way. The feeling goes deep for some people and quickly turns into feelings of shame and humiliation for feeling, and showing, vulnerability in front of others.
Why are we so deeply afraid of embarrassing ourselves when we speak or perform? I decided to look up the definition of embarrassment and found it described as follows in Wikipedia:
Embarrassment is an emotional state of intense discomfort with oneself, experienced upon having a socially unacceptable act or condition witnessed by or revealed to others. Usually some amount of loss of honour or dignity is involved, but how much and the type depends on the embarrassing situation...
Clearly, the act or condition that we deem socially unacceptable is appearing anxious and vulnerable when we are in front of others and not looking like we are in control of our emotional state. We are afraid of the loss of reputation and respect if others see us looking and acting in a way that does not appear strong and self-assured and we feel embarrassed by the thought of being seen as lacking in some way.
While feeling embarrassed in front of others is generally a highly unpleasant experience for most people, many of us become horrified by the prospect of feeling embarrassed in front of others and feel as though we will never recover from this feeling.
Two people come to mind when I think about extreme public embarrassment and amazing recoveries, both personally and in the public eye: Bill Clinton and Martha Stewart. It is hard to top both of their experiences in terms of public embarrassment and humiliation and yet both came back stronger than ever. They did not allow their embarrassing experiences lead to their demise and they were able to recover their reputations and regain the respect of the public.
We need to learn to put embarrassment in perspective and not give it such power to undo us. Everyone gets embarrassed at times and it is part of the human experience. While it is not pleasant, it does not have to be a traumatic experience, either.
We need to be less sensitive and reactive to the thought of people seeing our vulnerabilities. If we can accept our humanness, and let go of the need to be seen by others as fully confident and in-control, we will be less embarrassed by any show of our imperfections or flaws. We will chalk it up to being human, rather than being defective.
Oftentimes, we project a belief that others will lose respect for us and think less of us when they see our imperfections. More often, however, the issue is that we lose respect for ourselves and think less of ourselves when we are faced with our own vulnerabilities, especially when we are in the public eye. Rather than focusing on how others may perceive us, we need to work on retaining our own self-respect by unconditionally accepting and supporting ourselves during these difficult moments. It is when we turn against and diminish ourselves that we are most prone to feeling embarrassed.
In closing, I would like to share a Thanksgiving Day message that was sent to me, reminding us to be thankful for everything, even the challenges we face in life.
Be Thankful For...
Author Unknown
(abbreviated version)
Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations because they give you opportunities for
improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge because it will build your strength and
character.
Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons. It is easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks. GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles and they can become your blessings. Action Steps: 1. Reflect on how you feel about the possibility of others seeing your fear and vulnerability when you are speaking or performing. Notice how sensitive or reactive you might be to the thought of being embarrassed in front of others. Rather than deepen your fear of embarrassment, see if you can imagine this as a temporary unpleasant feeling and being able to be resilient and quickly recover from it. If you ever do feel embarrassed in front of others, see if you can practice bouncing back as quickly as possible rather than reinforcing this feeling by giving the experience such significance. 2. Consider taking a Getting Over Stage Fright Workshop and/or having Private Coaching Session(s) with me to help you become much more effective in dealing with this challenge. This provides a great way to break avoidant and self-defeating patterns and helps you move a big step forward in your progress. Please contact me at jesposito@performanceanxiety.com if you are interested in scheduling a coaching session and contact Mary at mary@performanceanxiety.com with any questions about the workshop. 3. Please take a few moments to write a review of my book(s) and/or CD on www.amazon.com and/or www.barnesandnoble.com if you have found my book(s) and CD helpful to you. Many thanks for taking the time to do this to support my efforts and help others learn about the value of my work. 4. Please send me any feedback and suggestions as I greatly value knowing what is most helpful to you and will give consideration to all feedback and suggestions I receive. Something else to consider: Many people have enjoyed being part of a yahoo discussion board that was set up by someone in our newsletter community for people who share the fear of public speaking or performing and want some support and camaraderie. I encourage you to visit this site and post something on the discussion board. It is incredibly helpful to come out of our isolation and aloneness around this fear and to give and receive support with others. The address for this discussion board is http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/speakanxiety. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Please pass this newsletter along to anyone who may benefit from it, but please be sure to keep it intact. If you do not wish to continue receiving this newsletter or any other announcements, simply respond to this email with the word "Unsubscribe" in the subject line and your name will immediately be taken off of our mailing list. If you have any difficulty reading this HTML formatted newsletter, please let us know. Email webmaster@performanceanxiety.com. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I hope to have the opportunity to help you make further progress with your speaking or performing challenges this year. Please be sure to contact me if you would like my help! Warm wishes, Janet Janet Esposito, M.S.W. In The Spotlight PO Box 494 Bridgewater, CT06752 860-210-1499 jesposito@performanceanxiety.com www.performanceanxiety.com Copyright 2012, Janet E. Esposito, All Rights Reserved | 
