I am traumatized by seeing my strong mom on the floor, vulnerable and old. I know everyone's time will come, but after this I'm anxious and unable to think about it. Can you help me sort what happened and how to handle it going forward?- An anxious daughter

Dear Anxious,

It sounds like you feel "side-swiped" and deeply troubled by an unexpected health crisis. The up-side is that you responded responsibly and appropriately by insisting your mother go to the ER so she could be evaluated. Another positive outcome to this trauma is that you are aware that you need time, skills, and preparation to adjust to the inevitable death of your aging mother.

Your anxiety is part of "anticipatory grief", or the normal grief that is felt before the death of a loved one. When anticipatory grief is identified it is useful to begin to reflect, rehearse, and understand the potential loss, and learn how to address the needs that arise because of it.

You are asking for resources that will help you to work through your anticipatory loss feelings, and identify needs to which you can respond, rather be reactive in a crisis. No-cost resources might include books, articles, websites, movies, and educational presentations addressing death, dying, aging and grief.

There are many excellent books on the subject of grief, and many available YouTube presentations. A short, daily reference book I often recommend is Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman. A more in-depth "workbook" approach is in How to Survive the Loss of a Parent: A Guide for Adults by Lois Akner. She uses exercises and "homework" assignments to help the reader discuss, question, and understand their grief. How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies by Dr. Therese Rando is a classic in the field of death and grief.

Your local Department on Aging might have lectures by local medical professionals and mental health experts to help you with your questions and anxiety. Grief support groups can be helpful to those going through bereavement, and local hospice support groups can be beneficial to help you learn coping skills, and learn different perspectives from others who have "gone before" you in losing a parent.

At a cost, the most personal and in-depth reflection of what happened to you, and how you made meaning of it, will most likely come through personal psychotherapy with a trained professional, specializing in grief and trauma. If possible, the investment would be worth it to build your resiliency before the loss of your mother, but also provide lifelong skills, attitudes and perspective for the inevitable additional losses of other relationships and changes.

I hope these suggestions will be helpful, and encourage you to begin the long, important journey through grief that we all must travel. You are not alone, and there are many who have lived through their grief and thrived again.

Blessings,

Lani