Healing Tears by Dr. Lani Leary

Dear Dr. Lani,

My family donated our son's organs and tissue after his unexpected accident and death. We trust and are comforted that many transplants were successful and saved many other people's lives.

Being able to pass on the gift of life has impacted our lives and softened our grief. But we repeatedly are asked by neighbors and friends about who the recipients were and how many lives where changed. We have received general information about the organ transplant recipients and about the ways the tissue donation may be used, but we have not received any feedback from the recipients.

I feel as if this is a private matter and am uncomfortable sharing this information. How can we respond to others' questions and desire to know?  -- A grieving father

Dear Grieving Father,

You can decide and define what your response will be. You can drive the conversation rather than be led by others. You can redirect their inquisitiveness and use it as an opportunity. Rather than feeling that their questions are intrusive and demanding, hear the questions as thoughtful curiosity into a world that most do not know about. Use this opening as an opportunity to talk about your son and his gift of donation as a miracle for many others.

Use this opportunity to educate and share about 1) your son and his values; 2) organ and tissue donation; and 3) the feelings of grief and the process of bereavement. It will be empowering to perceive their questions as their way of learning how to cope with death, and how you have found meaning after such a devastating loss. They may be both curious and afraid, knowing that they too will face the loss of loved one. You have experience that can help them to learn life skills and compassion.

Your thoughtful response can clear up myths and misconceptions about organ donation and grief. You can encourage open conversation about what it is like to find meaning and hope through the opportunity of organ donation. You can tell them what is true and helpful for you as you grieve. You can be that guiding "north star" because of your experience that prompts others to think about their choices and values, and spurs them to take action.

Your pure altruism, to give without expectation of anything in return (including acknowledgement or a letter from the recipients) may be that tipping point that creates a ripple effect so that many others' lives are touched, transformed, and healed because you have shown them how to give the greatest of gifts.

We can help ourselves and feel better when we hear others from a perspective of compassion. When others' questions feel insensitive, intrusive or ignorant, remember that they cannot know what you do because they have not yet learned it experientially. They are trying to learn about and cope with one of life's most difficult lessons.

Sharing what is important to you means that you can keep on giving and making a difference in the quality of others' lives.

Thank you for the lives you've already changed,

Healing the Spirit Highlight - What is a Grief Companion®?

    by Michael Reilly, MA

Grief shared is grief healed. - Anonymous

When we lose a loved one, we often feel lost and alone in our grief. Our feelings, thoughts and behaviors can be overwhelming. We may feel as though we're the only one having these experiences, or that we are "going crazy" and there is "something wrong" with us.

If we are lucky, we have understanding people in our immediate support system - family and friends - with whom we can share our experiences. They allow us to talk about our grief and provide us with comfort. If not, we can feel isolated and withdraw from social contact. Often, people expect us to "move on" with our lives and "get over" the loss of our loved one. They can say things that are not helpful, and sometimes hurtful.

It is important to express our grief, to talk with someone who understands, to shed tears that bring some relief, to share our grief with another. Yet often those closest to us and our loved one are also grieving. They are reluctant to share their grief. They may believe that it "upsets us" to do so. So they hold back their grief and distance themselves from ours. The mutual grief becomes a barrier rather than a bridge for healing our grief.

If this describes you, please consider our Grief Companion® program. We will connect you with another donor family member more distant from the early trauma of grief. They understand grief, and they can accompany you on your journey. You can talk to someone who will listen with quiet compassion and without judgment. You can learn ways to cope with the inevitable anniversaries and holidays.

Grief Companions are volunteers who want to give back some of what they have received from others.

Suicide Discussion Group now forming

Have you been affected by the death of a loved one to suicide? You're not alone. Suicide is the leading cause of death by injury in the United States. Yet you may be feeling isolated.

LifeNet Health is forming a Suicide Discussion Group called Alone No More. This 10-week series of meetings will be held via conference call. No matter your location, you can participate.

If you would like to join the discussion, please email Tina Pierce or call her at 757-609-4903. We also have materials available for you now to help support you through your grief.